It Isn't Every Orn You Have A Human Around
by Kibble Beast
Summary: The Autobots have decided to temporarily leave their favourite human with the Decepticons! ;D Unfortunately, Megatron's growing boy-obsession/ Sam's mental breakdowns/ Soundwave's creepiness/Starscream's complete hate don't get any better from there.
1. One Boy Alone, Betrayed By The 'bots

**Wheeey! Here's a new fic for you all!**

**This popped into my head a while ago and has been brewing happily, so I just wrote some of it out last week. And (let's face it), Megatron and Sam are practically a couple. The chemistry between them is amazing.**

**There are a few tiny references to The Edge of Reason, but it shouldn't be too confusing. :D  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. The only Transformers things that are mine are my awesome figurines (but I didn't design/make them). :D And a couple of books, but I didn't write them (sadly). These disclaimers make you feel so worthless, you know?**

**_Onwards_- hope you enjoy!**

* * *

The vehicles that pulled up outside the inconspicuous Lair were certainly not your ordinary, every-day forms of transport. No: you wouldn't find these beasts in your street. And although you might have stared at them in awe and wondered who they belonged to and where they were going, you would not have guessed their business. Their business was other-worldy- yet at the same time, oddly human. On with the tale, reader.

They paused there for a moment or two, seemingly waiting for something. Their accumulative engines were a smouldering mix of purrs and growls, and it was this noise Samuel James Witwicky was flung into the middle of.

And when I say _flung_ I mean _flung_ as in 'he was ejected out of a yellow Camaro to sprawl on the road'.

He didn't want to be there, that was obvious. The way he scrabbled to his feet and hurled himself at the nearest vehicle _was_ a pretty good indication, but his desperate pleas added to this conclusion.

'Don't leave me,' he begged, stumbling around and throwing himself at each car. 'Please-!'

There was utter silence for a moment before the sudden grinding of gears alerted him to the beginning of a transformation.

After about half a minute, he found himself gazing up hopefully at a solemn looking Optimus Prime, who had set off a chain reaction of transformations.

'Sam,' the Peterbilt began mournfully, 'This-'

'BUMBLEBAAAAY,' the teenager wailed, diving for his yellow friend. 'Don't let this happen!'

Bumblebee whined and tried to comfort Sam by curling his fingers around the human and lifted him carefully before giving Optimus a beseeching look.

Prime nearly fell for it, too.

'Please,' Sam implored from the yellow mech's palm, 'Anything but this! I'll- I'll be quiet, I won't make any noise! I'll just stay in Bumblebee-'

Two sleek Corvettes cackled. 'Lucky you, 'bee.'

The Camaro shot them a warning glance.

A luminous Hummer stepped forward, and that was when Sam knew he was doomed. 'It's _happening_.'

Feeling tears well up at this injustice, Sam bunched himself up into a ball and refused to give any of them eye contact.

'All the arrangements have been taken care of,' Optimus added in some kind of attempt to make it all seem better. 'You don't need to worry about a thing.'

'Apart from _dying_?' Sam shrieked (in a muffled manner).

'You won't die,' a black and white mech informed him. 'They're all under strict rule about what they can and cannot do with you.'

'Since when do they care about _rules_?' Sam shouted.

Optimus frowned. 'He is right about that, Prowl.'

'Rules are rules, Prime,' Prowl disagreed.

'True. Megatron did promise.'

Sam couldn't even protest at this because he was too busy choking indignantly.

'Well, go ahead and knock,' Sideswipe enthused. 'Or ring the bell. What do villains have?'

'Yes,' Ironhide agreed, cannons rotating. 'I could perform my own version of _knocking_.'

Sam's defiant silence finally caused Optimus to stride up to the door and press the doorbell firmly. They all heard it echoing around inside the Lair, and Prime turned to beam at Sam. 'I'm sure you're going to love it here.'

Sam summoned up his most betrayed look and said nothing. Bumblebee shuffled anxiously and then started when the door opened, clutching the teenager to his chassis protectively.

The door didn't really open, per se. It was more _swung_ dramatically with much flourishing.

(I don't actually know how you flourish a door. Try it at home, see what you come up with. I'm interested to hear what you're able to achieve.)

A giant smoke cloud billowed out, concealing anybody within- except for a glowing pair of red optics which slowly became visible through the haze.

'Optimus!' Megatron boomed- for of course it was he- and stepped forwards, smoke swelling impressively around him.

'Nice theatrics,' Prime marvelled, nodding approvingly. 'How are you, Megatron?'

'Very well. I'm rather excited, actually. Imagine, my own _boy_ to squee-' The Decepticon saw Prowl's optics narrow. 'I mean, very own boy to... squee over.'

Sunstreaker raised an optic ridge. 'You _squee_?'

'Are you saying I can't?' the silver mech demanded. 'I can if I want to; I am _Megatron!_'

'Go on then,' Sideswipe laughed. 'Show us your squee!'

Megatron scowled at them and spoke most convincingly in his deep and awesome voice. 'Squee.'

Prime coughed politely. 'Bumblebee?'

The younger Cybertronian trudged over morosely, Sam in hand. _'If I'm not mistaken, this is my heart breaking-'_

'You don't have a heart,' Megatron snarled. 'You are no fleshling like the boy! Hand him over immediately.'

Optimus nodded at the scout, who gently placed Sam on the floor after holding him tenderly to his chassis for a moment. His doorwings drooped as he watched the teenager's legs stop working, consequently landing him on his behind as he stared up at the Decepticon.

'Optimus,' Sam tried wretchedly, 'Please- _reconsider_!'

Prime did actually look rather upset himself. 'Look after him, Megatron.'

'I'll do _anything_!' The human howled.

'Of course I'll look after him. What good is he to me dead?' Megatron was glared at hurtfully. 'Fine, fine. You know I will, so go and enjoy your ho- um, mission.'

Optimus bent down to Sam's level with what could have been an emotional blink. 'We'll be back soon, so be good.'

'Can't I come with you?' The teenager wailed.

'We don't want you to,' Sunny replied.

Prowl shot the Corvette a frosty glance before giving Sam a reasonable explanation. 'You _can't_ come. Speed is our main-'

'So why is Ironhide coming?' Sideswipe asked, then high-fived his brother.

Optimus _hemhemed_ politely over Ratchet's cackling and Prowl's hissed reprimanding. 'We need to get to our unspecified but highly important destination as quickly as possible, and I'm afraid a human would just slow us down.'

'I wouldn't!' Sam pleaded. 'I'd just sleep, honestly!'

'Haha- no.' Ratchet ended any discussion.

Megatron picked Sam up- under Bumblebee's miserable watch, Ratchet's vigilant gaze, and Optimus' careful guidance- and held him correctly i.e. not by any of his limbs, head, clothes or digits, and supported his weight _properly_.

The Autobots took their leave shortly afterwards, driving away at an extremely hurried pace. A certain yellow Camaro lagged at the back before being bumped from behind repeatedly and consecutively by both a black truck and a bright Hummer.

Megatron waved them off- using the hand that Sam was held in.

The teenager shrieked as he was shaken. 'This isn't good!'

Megatron, stilling his hand, glanced at him. 'Eh?'

'Bad, bad!' Sam gasped, clinging onto a claw. 'Not... not good!'

'...It's alright, boy. We'll develop your vocabulary,' Megatron promised as he went indoors. 'But first things do come first: I shall show you around the base.'

There was an ominous thud as the door closed.

'You know, you could just put me down, and I could just walk out, leave, not come back, exit, and then I'd be okay, because I'd just find civilisation- _human_ civilisation with nice, ordinary people like myself, and-'

'Ohhh, you are not _ordinary_,' Megatron assured, then abruptly stopped, bringing Sam _very_ close to his face.

Sam gulped and tried to wriggle backwards. 'I'd like to be...?'

'You are _special_,' Megatron announced, staring at him intently before striding through a door. 'Now, this is the recreation room. I'm sure you recognise some of these smiling faces, yeasssss?'

The human wailed silently and tried to hide behind a claw. 'They've all tried to kill me!'

'You've hardly been friendly to them,' the commander frowned. 'It's all a misunderstanding, so we can start... _afresh_. See- Barricade's smiling at you!'

'No, no, no!' Sam refuted. 'He's baring his fangs, and I'd like to go home now!'

'Why, this is your home presently!'

'Samuel James Witwicky,' Barricade sniggered, making his name sound more like _When you die, I'll be the one gouging out your eyes_. 'It's been a while, wouldn't you say?'

'And over there is _Blackout_,' Megatron continued. 'He doesn't say much. I'm sure you'll get along supremely, though.'

Whimpering, Sam rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes.

'What are you doing, boy?'

'I'm going to wake up in a minute,' Sam replied. 'This is all a terrible dream, you see?'

Megatron dropped him from a nearly considerable distance to the floor, snickering as he smacked into the ground. 'That sounded _good_.'

Sam slowly picked himself up- then froze as he heard an ominous growling.

He turned- his own heartbeat hideously loud in his ears- only to twitch silently in terror in the milliseconds before a- a _beast_ slammed him onto his back.

It snarled above him, jaws snapping right by his nose when a voice Sam had never loved before rumbled forth.

'Ravage!'

The beast whined but skulked backwards, tail between its legs.

Sam jabbered unintelligibly, mouth and eyes moving furiously, but no sounds coming forth.

'Now look what you've done! Bad Ravage! Go to your corner,' Megatron commanded, then knelt to flick Sam gently. 'Boy? It's alright. That was merely our little kitty.'

At this moment, the door burst open and a strange mech Sam had not seen before entered speedily.

'Lord Megatron; problem has arisen,' he began.

He didn't get any further than that because a blur tackled him from behind. 'I'm going to _rip_ you apart! There won't be a monotone _left_ when I am finished with you!'

Megatron scowled. 'Boy, forgive these idiots. One of them isn't housetrained.'

Sam flinched as the burning gaze of the second mech blazed in his direction.

'Wrong, Megatron! You-wait! What is that- that _animal_ doing in our base-?'

'Where is your sense of decorum? Be _polite_!'

'I will not be! I don't understand what _it_ is doing here!'

Megatron ignored him and gestured at the first Cybertronian. 'Boy, this is Soundwave.'

'Greetings, boy,' Soundwave acknowledged. 'You are well?'

Sam wailed inaudibly and tried to hide behind Megatron's claw.

'Ah, I apologise for the boy,' the commander sighed. 'It seems like he is feeling shy.'

'Boy; giddy with excitement,' Soundwave explained kindly. 'Likely overwhelmed by quantity of new faces.'

The other mech paced towards them. 'Are you stupid? He's completely terrified- as he should be in the presence of superior beings such as I!'

The teenager suddenly regained the ability to speak. 'Not superior enough to defeat the Autobots, though?'

Megatron twitched. 'That's rude, boy. Do not say things like that. Do I ask you why you haven't managed to grow out of your infantile habits?'

'If _I _were commander, we would have conquered them so _long_ ago!'

'Y-you must be Starscream,' Sam remembered. 'You're the one who always fails at everything, right?'

Starscream exhaled, optics narrowing slowly. 'Did you bring it here so we could all maim it?'

'The _boy_ has a name,' Megatron snarled. 'And there will be no maiming.'

'We'll see about that,' the second muttered, sulking his way out.

With a scowl, Megatron plucked Sam into the air and strode off down the corridor.

'Please let me go home,' Sam begged. 'Please?'

'Optimus has entrusted me with your welfare,' the Decepticon frowned. 'I cannot simply break this trust!'

'I don't understand! He's an Autobot! Why would he trust you with _anything?_'

Megatron thought for a moment. 'Don't ask stupid questions, boy.'

He suddenly stopped outside another door.

'We have arrived, fleshling,' he declared as the door wooshed open.

'A-arrived? As in, reached our destination? Turned up? E-'

'Enough, boy. We are entering,' Megatron explained, then dropped Sam onto something hard.

'Ahhhh,' Sam gasped, eyes tightly shut as he squirmed feebly.

'...Stupid boy,' the Decepticon sighed. 'You weren't supposed to land _there_.'

Sam was nudged onto a surface surprisingly softish. He opened his eyes and saw what appeared to be a small cushion.

'See? Your failing manners diverted you to the hard material,' Megatron enlightened. 'This is your cage.'

'C-cage?' The teenager suddenly realised that he was, indeed, in what appeared to be a small enclosure.

'Yes. It has bars on it.'

Sam clutched said bars desperately and shook them like a generic madman. 'W-why am I in a _cage_!'

'You _are_ an animal,' Megatron reasoned. 'The Autobots give you far too much freedom.'

'That's because- seriously? You're serious? You're locking me in a _cage_!'

'I don't want you to get lost, boy. Optimus would be very distressed.'

'I don't _want_ to be in a cage!'

'Life isn't about what you want, boy. It is about what you _need_.'

Sam sat down heavily. 'This is a dream. Nothing more, nothing less.'

Megatron beamed. 'See? You're tired. You will remain there, doing whatever you do, whilst I do something interesting.'

'What the hell _am_ I supposed to do?'

'...I don't know, fleshling. Nap or something.'

'NAP- are you _joking_? Naps are for _old _people and- and for _Mojo_!'

'You're overexcited,' Megatron sighed. 'Too much all at once.'

'You're _telling_ me?' Sam shrieked.

Megatron snapped his claws. 'I know just the thing-! Have a snooze, boy. We'll have some _fun_ tomorrow.'

Sam blinked miserably and rested his forehead on the cold bars before him.

* * *

It was some time before Megatron returned.

Sam jolted awake as a slight sound of _woosh _reached his ears and manically scuttled backwards.

The Decepticon strode in. 'I told you to sleep, boy.'

'I was, but then you came in and disturbed me, great hulking thing that you are-'

'I object to the word _hulking_. I find that quite rude.'

'I'm so _sorry_,' Sam hissed- before remembering he was continuing to insult a giant and powerful Top Villain.

Ignoring him, Megatron lay down on his berth and closed his optics. '_Sweet dreams_, boy. Don't let the berth-_bugs_ bite.'

Sam spent the whole night frozen in utter fear and jumping at any noise.

This meant that by the time a cheerful Megatron awoke, he was met with a rather unhappy human.

'Good night, boy!'

Sam's eye twitched. 'It's the morning. It's '_Good morning, bo- _I mean_- Sam'_.'

'It isn't.'

'What?'

Megatron rolled off of his berth and smacked into the floor. 'We're _villains_, boy. We are nocturnal. We live by the _moon_.'

Sam wailed and clutched at his hair. 'Why haven't I woken up yet?'

'Only joking, boy!' Megatron released an evil snicker before approaching him. 'That would be stupid.'

Sam looked at him despondently. 'Can I go home now?'

'No, you can't.' The Decepticon suddenly plucked him out of his cage. '...You're very skinny, boy.'

'I'm a nervous-' Sam began.

'There's no _need _to be; we're pretty decent villains.'

'You're murderers!'

'So are the Autobots, but in a heroic way.'

Sam shook his head violently. 'No, they're the good guys, the protagonists-'

'Don't move your head so, boy. You will break the flimsy material holding it to your flimsy body; it'll fall off,' Megatron worried. 'Flimsily.'

'It will not- see?' Sam repeated the action more viciously.

The Decepticon grasped his head firmly between two claws and returned it to its central position.

'AOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!' Sam shrieked. 'Let go of my _head_!'

'You do not know what is good for you,' Megatron declared. 'You will certainly have to be taught.'

'Just don't lift me by my head!' Sam begged.

The mech was hurt. 'As if I'd do such a thing; it is too _flimsy_. Anyway, boy- the orn is begun!'

'Tell me about it,' the teenager whimpered as Megatron exited his room and strode dramatically down the corridor again.

He flung open several doors. 'MINIONS!'

Barricade sulked out of one of the rooms, clutching his helm. 'Is it morning already?'

Megatron ignored him and strode through another entrance before dropping Sam onto a hard surface. 'Sit there, boy.'

Sam slammed into it, landing painfully on his behind. He took a moment to wince before standing and rub said body part tenderly. 'Wh-what's going on?'

'We're going to kill you,' a different voice replied. 'It's going to be very enjoyable.'

Sam span round with a yelp.

Starscream, who was just to his left, was giving him _intense_ evilles whilst drumming his talons on the plateau Sam was trembling on. 'Are you ready to _die_, boy?'

The human resorted to stuttering.

Megatron laughed and chucked him under the chin. 'Starscream is just _playing_ with you, boy!'

Knocked onto his back by the chucking and feeling his chin burst into agony, Sam decided it would be best if he just curled up into a ball and prayed that the nightmare would end soon. He heard the room filling up, but kept very still. If he did not move, they might forget of his existence.

'...Decepticons,' Megatron suddenly commenced, 'There is a matter of great importance I must bring your attentions to.'

There was a slight murmur of excitement, then a cough.

'...Yes, Starscream?'

'Why are we speaking in _English_?'

Megatron sounded confused. And a confused Megatron is an irritated Megatron. 'What kind of random question-? Of _course _we're speaking in English. What else?'

'...Our _native_ tongue?'

'What a stupid idea.'

'But the boy can understand everything we say! He could relay it back to the Autobots!'

Megatron laughed. 'I think I keep you alive just so you can amuse me with your inane ideas! Everybody, the Autobots have entrusted us with the care of the boy. You are all to make him feel _very_ welcome. Any questions?' Another cough could be heard. '..._Starscream_?'

'I don't have a question, but I'd like to raise a personal opinion.'

'..Yesss...?'

Sam felt a Glare needle into his side. 'I don't like him.'

'He is our guest and you _will_ like him.'

'He's _detestable!_'

'As is your voice.'

The raging Seeker decided to shriek wordlessly, then calmed alarmingly quickly. 'Fine. I'm going out.'

'You will take the boy,' Megatron ordered.

Starscream was about to reply when the door banged open.

'Sorry we're late.'

'I blame _him_- he's so lazy.'

'I don't see how that makes you late unless you're lazy too.'

Sam peeked out of his ball to see two new mechs frowning at each other.

'Thundercracker, Skywarp.' Megatron scowled. 'I don't even care. Hurry up and sit down-'

'What the Pit is _that-_?'

'This is the boy.'

'...The boy?'

'The boy,' Megatron confirmed.

'Nice to meet you, Sam. We've heard a _lot_ about you,' one of them beamed, waving.

'Indeed,' the other agreed. '_Indeed.'_

Starscream rolled his optics and stood. 'I'm totally leaving now.'

'With the boy,' Megatron added firmly.

Sam didn't like this idea. 'But he hates me!'

'Exactly why you should spend some time together,' Megatron justified.

'That's the most bizarre thing I've ever heard!'

'I agree,' Starscream hissed. 'I might _accidentally_ drop him.'

'In which case you'd catch him.'

'...I might _fumble_ and drop him _again_!'

'Starscream, let me impress something upon you,' Megatron snarled impressively. 'The boy's existence is worth far more than yours. You will look after him with your own life, understood?'

'Do you actually wonder why I hate you?'

'It brings me much pleasure. Now get out of here- not _without_ the boy, you twerp-!'

'Don't you manhandle me!' Sam raged, diving backwards.

Starscream picked him up by a foot and dangled him in the air as he exited. 'Ugh.'

Sam could feel the blood rushing to his head. 'P-please could you not hold me upside down?'

'Since you asked so _nicely_,' Starscream replied, letting go of him.

Sam shrieked for about two seconds before he smacked into a metallic palm.

'_Comfortable_, boy?' The Seeker asked, optics narrowed.

'Thank you,' the teenager gasped, trying to stop his mind from spinning.

'How do you feel about _flying_?' Starscream asked suddenly.

'D-depends if it's controlled or not,' Sam panted. 'If it's flying through the air because of a cannon blast or something, I'm not so keen on it- see, it's kind of painful-'

'Is it _really_?'

'...Yes?'

'Thank you for telling me. I've never been hit by a cannon blast before.'

'Seriously? But aren't you like, in a war?'

Starscream stopped abruptly, placed Sam on the floor (carefully), then smashed his helm into the wall with a wailing groan.

Despite himself, Sam was worried. 'Did I offend you?'

'I can't _do_ this,' the Seeker hissed, walking away. 'Go and find Megatron. He seems to like you.'

'I've offended you!' Sam hurried after him. 'I'm so sorry!'

'Go away.'

Sam kicked himself (literally), fell through the air and splatted in a magnificently sprawling manner on the floor. After a wince, he was back on his feet and running. 'Please, wait!'

Starscream was watching him curiously. 'Your suicidal determination always surprised me.'

'It kind of surprises me, too,' a wheezing Sam admitted, finally catching up.

'I assume that you would prefer to walk,' the mech proposed as he started down the corridor again, 'rather than be carried?'

'That would be nice,' Sam admitted, sprinting after him.

* * *

Prowl sat, contemplating the meaning of life whilst Sunny and Sides attempted to build the largest sandcastle possible on his left. Glancing down the beach, he saw a morose Bumblebee doodling in the sand. '...Twins!'

Sunstreaker bounced in front of him. 'Yes, Prowlie?'

'We're right here, Prowlie!' The silver Corvette stylishly flipped over to stand by his brother.

'I'd like you to do something,' the second began.

'What do you want us to do, Prowlie?'

'Prowlie, we'll do it!'

'Yes, we will! No fear, Prowlie! We're off!' Sunny was in mid-stride when he realised that he had no idea what it was they had to do.

'May I continue?' Prowl asked.

'Anything, Prowlie!'

'Consider it done!'

'Let me finish this time,' the black and white ordered. 'No interrupting.'

Frantic but silent nodding confirmed that they understood.

'...Go ahead, Prowlie,' Sunny whispered. 'We're listening.'

Sideswipe continued to nod.

'Boys,' the black and white sighed, 'I believe that Bumblebee is suffering.'

He looked at the wide-opticed twins, who were hanging on to his every word.

'I'M SO AWESOME,' Hot Rod screamed, diving past Ratchet and Red Alert.

He didn't see the sneaky luminous pede in his path and tripped right onto his face.

Ratchet laughed as he turned away. 'Too easy!'

Prowl bravely continued. 'It would be nice if you could take his mind off of Sam.'

Sunny pouted.

'Yes, Sunstreaker?'

'Prowlie, you think Bumblebee misses Sam?'

'It is the conclusion I have drawn.' Prowl glanced at the Camaro, still drawing in the sand. 'Just involve him in something.'

Sideswipe thought for an astro-second before racing towards Bumblebee. 'BUMBLEBEE! LET'S BUILD A SANDCASTLE!'

Hot Rod jumped before him. '_...Yeah_.'

Sideswipe pushed him aside, reaching his target. 'Bumblebee!'

The yellow mech looked up, swiftly covering his doodles, and blinked in acknowledgment.

'Come on, 'bee! It'll be _great_!'

Hot Rod sniffed. 'Not as great as mine.'

'You don't even have a sandcastle, Hot Rod.'

'Exactly! Even in nonexistence, mine is better than yours.'

'...Oh yeah?' Sunny disagreed from a distance away. '**Get real**!'

'My nonexistence sandcastle is more real than yours could ever be!'

'**Lies**!'

'...Hey, Hot Rod-' Sideswipe narrowed his optics. 'Fancy a competition?'

'I have no need of competitions, for I am _always_ the winner.'

'Take that as a yes. Team Two, prepare to be beaten by the oh so magnificent Team Three-'

'I consider that a challenge,' Hot Rod mused as Sideswipe charged back to his brother. 'What say you, noble ally?'

Bumblebee looked up. '_Let's get serious!'_

'Proooooowlie!'

'Yes, Sideswipe?'

The agitated young Autobot bounced on the spot. 'Come on, you have to help!'

'Sideswipe, I asked _you_ to cheer Bumblebee up,' Prowl replied with resigned despair.

'And we are, we are! We need _you_!' The silver Corvette danced about before him urgently.

'...Why?'

'Because it's kind of a team thing?'

Prowl glanced behind him to see Hot Rod and Bumblebee debating energetically. 'You challenged Team Two?'

'Sure did, Prowlie! So you need to help!'

The tactician sighed and rose to his pedes. 'I suppose I must.'

The twins howled in excitement and pounded their chassis with frightening energy before thundering away down the beach.

Prowl wearily followed them at a normal pace. He couldn't help but feel life wasn't fair sometimes.

* * *

**There will be more, of course. :D I'm not nearly finished with that boy.**

**Let me know what you're thinking, and feel free to thrust any SAMtortures you want my way; I'll consider them all carefully.**

**Till next time, dear reader!**


	2. Touchyfeely Times And A Trip!

**It's been quite a while since I've updated anything- I had an upset with my beautiful doctor-shaped memory stick. RIP to my gorgeous Ralph; he was a fine USB.**

**Anyway, I'm on a sugar high thanks to a really good friend, and thought I'd write instead of revising for my chemistry exam tomorrow. xD I bet I'll regret it in the exam, but hey- life should be for laughing, not for forcing yourself to regurgitate knowledge._ I wish._**

**My love to you all! Here we go with some Sam and Starscream. x)**

**PS. I see that there is disbelief amongst the reviewers. Of _course_ the Autobots wouldn't have a problem leaving Sam with the Decepticons. Safest place for him.**

**PPS. It's MEGAlogic. ;D You can't disagree with it. If you do, you'll experience MEGApain. You don't want MEGApain. x3**

* * *

It had been a long, long walk with Starscream.

Namely because the Decepticon had been a little demanding compliments-wise. There hadn't been a minute without him pressing Sam for some sort of original flattery.

'You- your face is really great,' Sam tried.

'I _know_.'

They continued walking- rather, Sam trying not to trip as he hurried after Starscream- through the field of tall, slightly prickly grass.

'Shouldn't- shouldn't you be in disguise or something? What if somebody sees you?'

Starscream considered this. 'Nobody can see me.'

'_I_ can see you.' Sam spluttered as some grass entered his mouth.

The Decepticon shuttered his optics briefly, exhaling. '_Nobody else is close enough_. You are the only human for many hundreds of miles.'

'Hundreds?' Sam squeaked. 'As in, a lot? I'm _alone_!'

'Continue giving me the praise I deserve, mammal.'

'...You- you have such a-'

'Actually, I don't want to talk to you.' He called out suddenly. 'Thundercracker, Skywarp!'

Sam immediately noted two Cybertronians making their way over. He instantly dived into the grass and attempted to hide in the weed.

Unfortunately, the Seeker picked Sam up and flicked him into his upturned metallic palm.

The other Decepticons arrived- one black, one blue. It was quite a nice blue, actually. It reminded Sam of something.

'Yep?'

'Just listen to this boy!' Starscream announced. 'He is capable of such complex sentence structures- one would almost think his species was advanced!'

There was a moment of silence.

'...This is _science_ again,' the black Transformer sighed.

'...Oh dear.'

The darker one looked at Starscream with one of those instantly recognisable _I'm-talking-to-someone-insane _smiles- even _Sam _could tell. '...Are you copying Lord Megatron again? He has a boy too.'

'What-? This _is_ the boy!'

'Of _course_ it is,' the blue mech reassured slowly. 'Starscream, does Lord Megatron _know_ you're emulating him?'

'Did you pick this one up from some sort of farm? You should put it back,' the other proposed clearly and loudly. 'It might be missed by its kind.'

Starscream's ventilations slowed, optics narrowing.

'How- how _dare_ you,' Sam raged. 'How _dare_ you!'

Stunned, the two blinked at him.

Sam stood, not even bothering to support himself. '_I _am the boy! There is no other- how _dare_ you doubt me! Wait until Megatron hears about this!' He glanced back up at Starscream, who had a slow, cat-like smile spreading across his face. 'Skywarp and Thundercracker, right?'

'Right, boy.'

The teenager turned to them, and pointed angrily. 'Any more cheek- rudeness, backchat, disrespect, insolence- from either of you, and you know what happens.'

They both blinked again, horrified.

Starscream hissed lowly, an electronic, husky chattering almost hidden in the sound.

'It won't happen again,' the black Seeker rushed, shrinking.

The blue inclined his helm, averting his optics. 'Our deepest apologies, boy.'

Sam's legs gave way- a talon that had _not_ been there before was against his back, stopping his fall. His head snapped backwards, but Starscream merely blinked slowly, then looked back at the other Seekers.

There must have been some sort of signal that Sam missed- they instantly shot into the air, disappearing at breath-taking speed.

'They may be idiots,' Starscream said quietly, 'but they are _my_ idiots. Threat of Megatron will deter them, but should they trouble you again, I would appreciate it if you came to me first.'

It wasn't every day a Decepticon asked for something.

'Fine,' Sam shrugged. 'But one question?'

Removing the supporting talon- at which Sam fell neatly into sitting down- Starscream recommenced walking. 'Ask it.'

Honestly, Sam wanted to learn about the Decepticons. All he had heard about them was that they were the bad guys- and he agreed, really. It wasn't like the good guys tried to kill or rip apart your skull. Nonetheless, he decided to be polite and discover more about his friendly and most lovely hosts. 'What _are_ you?'

'...That's a very open question.'

Sam rethought. 'I mean, _rank-_wise.'

'Second in Command and Air Commander, for what it's worth. Why?'

'You have _two_ titles?'

'So do you.'

'Really?'

'Try 'insect' or 'fleshling'.'

'Oh, _c'mon_!'

* * *

Sam had been slightly at a loss when Starscream dumped him by the door of the Base (it needed a capital letter, according to Megatron). There had been some sort of a yawn before the Transformer erupted away into the sky, but absolutely no comment on what he was going off to do or what was going to happen.

So Sam had waited. And waited, feeling very much like an unwanted dog cast out into the elements when a satisfactory amount of fulfilment had been wrung out of it.

He had just rested the back of his head against the smooth wall behind him and slid down to the ground roughly when there was an incoming heavy tread- looking up, he had seen (and managed to recognise) the silver giant headed in his direction (not that Megatron really could be mistaken for anybody else).

Now he looked back on it, the eager and desperate manner in which he had jumped up and ran towards the Decepticon had probably been rather pathetic.

'Boy?'

'Megatron!' Sam wailed.

'Why are you unsupervised?'

'I was alone! Nobody else was here! Isolated- _anybody_ could have come along and-'

Megatron picked him up gently, claw digging into his upper arm. 'Poor boy. You felt abandoned.'

'Y- what- no? Stop! What- do you _have _to touch me?' Sam actually managed to struggle out of the mech's grasp and bounced back into the ground. '...Ow.'

'Stop what?'

Before he could even protest, he had been plucked into the air again.

'Seriously, stop touching me-!'

'I will touch you if it pleases me.'

Sam sighed resignedly as Megatron poked his shoulder, then flinched as his side was jabbed.

'Do you mind?'

'Not at all!' Megatron lightly stroked his head.

'_I _mind!' Sam wailed, attempting to duck away.

'No, boy. Stay still.'

'Stop touching me!'

'Boy, why don't you want me touching you? You let that yellow Autobot touch you. And Optimus. He's always touching you. I don't see why I'm so different.'

'Because you're scary-!' Sam howled, trying to bury his head in his arms.

'Boy, why am I scary?'

'You're- you're huge!'

Megatron sounded bemused. 'I see. And all the others are tiny, I suppose.'

'W-well, no, but- but you want to kill me as well, and that's just a little bit terrifying?'

'I only wanted to kill you for a short while- I still do,' he corrected himself. 'Just a little bit. But you're so much more satisfying alive.'

'So you're not going to kill me?'

'No.'

'N-not slowly?'

'No.'

'Not painfully?'

'Boy, I wouldn't hurt you. You and Optimus and I, we simply can't die. This is how it will be for eternity- you're meant to be our boy.'

Sam sniffled as a claw lifted his chin slightly- his stomach rumbled inappropriately.

Megatron eyed him, optics suddenly narrowed. 'Are you well, boy? What is the problem? Don't be _shy_.'

'I'm just homesick,' Sam mumbled.

'Come on, boy.'

Not that Sam had to do anything. Megatron plucked him into the air again by his shirt.

He scrabbled at the claw desperately. 'Nonono! I don't want to die!'

'We have discussed my dislike for killing you already.'

'Nonono- through neglect, I know it! My shirt will rip and I'll fall to my death!'

'Boy, your ignorance hurts. I scanned your 'shirt' a time ago and concluded that it will support your puny weight.'

Sam continued his mad struggle and managed to hurl a leg over a claw, then heaved himself up onto it, clinging to the digit like a sloth.

Megatron watched him panting, amused. 'You are an active thing, aren't you?'

Sam whimpered miserably.

'We'll go out,' Megatron declared.

'We _are _outside.'

'No, boy. There is a difference in being outside and being out.'

Sam huffed dismissively- then happened to realise his parallel condition to the floor, and, desperate to avoid having his stomach fold over itself upon it realising the distance to the good, solid and beautiful ground, shut his eyes tightly.

'Boy, enough sleeping! We are outside, and you should be filling yourself with _good_ air,' the commander declared, flicking him.

Sam heaved his eyes open with a sigh. 'You know that hurts?'

'What hurts? I know nothing about _hurt- _for I am _Megatron_! _**Megatron**_ does not _hurt_! Hurting is for _weaklings_! ...What were you saying, boy?'

'Don't worry about it.'

'Why would I worry? I am _Megatron! Megatron_ does not waste his time with something as trivial as _wor_-'

'Is there a reason for us being here? Like, a purpose or an actual point?'

'_**STAAAAARSCREEEEAM-**_!' Megatron decided to bellow.

Sam was left with one eye twitching. 'C-could that not have been so loud? I'm right up close here. That was unnecessarily lou-'

'Who knows how far away that useless mech is?' Megatron justified.

'But- but the Autobots don't do that,' Sam complained. 'Optimus presses his-' He suddenly realised that he didn't know the terminology. '-his... his _ear-area_, and it's all sci-fi communication.'

'Well, I want to shout.'

'Don't deprive him,' Starscream suddenly hissed. 'He doesn't get much satisfaction.'

Sam jumped- there had been absolutely no warning of his approach. His eyes widened as the mech hissed at him dangerously. 'Nononononononono-'

'Saying it _once_ would have the _same effect,_' Starscream snapped.

Megatron growled. 'Enough of your rudeness.'

'_Rude_- well, just hurry up. I have things that are vaguely interesting to be doing. What are you wasting my time for?'

The fact that the commander didn't even register the thinly veiled insults unnerved Sam.

'You're going on a trip.'

Starscream waited patiently for details.

None came.

'A _trip,_' he repeated. 'Is this your new method of saying 'mission'?'

'You could think of it like that.'

Starscream said nothing for a moment. '...This is one of your humiliating, degrading ideas.'

'Yes, it is.'

An alarmed and disturbed Sam was trying to work out a way to squeeze out from Megatron's claws (without being noticed), and somehow descend to the ground (without being noticed), and then run off (without being noticed).

'Then will you at least inject a little _urgency_ into the situation? I don't have all orn to be standing here exchanging _pleasantries_. Give me details immediately. Where am I headed?'

_Pleasantries _sounded very, very venomous.

_'_You don't need to know that,_' _Megatron declared.

Starscream's sharp processor was already at work deducing what the 'trip' could possibly be. 'And why?'

'Because you'll be with _me_.'

'Oh, _Primus_.' The Seeker wasn't able to repress his disgust and horror.

'And the boy.'

Sam flinched as Starscream's somewhat hostile gaze sizzled his skin.

'...Why?'

'Because _you,_' Megatron uttered with poisonous joy, 'have an alternate mode that will accommodate the boy.'

Sam shrieked in dismay even as Starscream was blinking in confusion. 'Nonononono!'

'Yes,' Megatron assured, then readdressed the other mech. 'Transform.'

It finally dawned on the Seeker, who stepped back in revulsion. 'No, no. I won't! No fleshling- no _anything_ is going inside of me!'

Megatron's optics slowly narrowed. 'Ohhhhhh, really.'

Sam watched in silent awe as Starscream actually stamped a pede.

'_Yes_, really. I will not be used as some- some transport! You have _plenty_ of mechs to choose from. If you're after somebody aerial- Thundercracker and Skywarp even have the _same_ alternate form!'

'But Starscream,' Megatron softly pleaded, 'nobody else will do.'

Both Sam and Starscream were thrown by the odd manner.

'What's that you say?' the Seeker demanded suspiciously.

The commander had adopted an endearingly appealing tone. ' You, my dearest second, are _so_ beautiful out there. The boy should have the best experience, and that's _you_.'

Starscream _had_ been frowning, but was now blinking in slight confusion. 'Why, er- I suppose you're right.'

'I'm _always_ right,' Megatron agreed, grasping Starscream's shoulder with one hand. 'So you'll do it.'

'Of course, my liege!' the Seeker responded eagerly.

'Good mech. _Hand_,' he suddenly demanded.

Starscream held the appendage out- Sam was dropped onto it fairly carefully. He turned- only to see the Decepticon eyeing him. 'I hope you're ready, boy.'

'Ready for what?' the human questioned hurriedly. Everything happened very, very quickly with Transformers.

'Ready to experience a little flight,' Starscream's wings twitched. No, they weren't twitching. They were flexing-

'_Stretching_-!' Sam squeaked in horror. 'No, this isn't going to be good-'

'I agree, but it would be less painful for the both of us if you desist being such an irritant.'

'Nooooooooooooo,' he wailed, squirming.

'Ahhh,' Megatron sighed. 'The boy wants to be with _me_.'

'Nono,' Sam cried, valiantly struggling- futile, yes, but that made it all the more valiant. '_Please_, nonono-'

With some exasperated chatter of some Cybertronian, Sam was hurled into the air. He would have screamed, had he not been utterly shocked. As it was, he barely realised he was actually hurtling upwards before he was enveloped with- with jet fighter.

He shrieked, flailing as it suddenly accelerated, and tried to draw his knees up to his chest (in order to hide and deny reality a little better) when a snarl filled the small space.

'_Stop moving, and don't touch_.'

'How can I not touch?' he wailed, closing his eyes tightly. 'I have to come into contact with you _somehow!_'

'_One point is quite enough,' _the mech replied stiffly. '_Kindly remove your feet from the upholstery.'_

'Oh, sorry.' Sam automatically complied, then dared to open his eyes as he placed his feet on the flooring- then blinked in sudden shock. 'You're a plane.'

'..._'Plane' carries connotations of being old and feeble._'

'Fine, fine, a fighter jet.' Sam was in awe as he regarded the complex-looking dashboard before him. 'I always wanted to go in a cockpit.'

'_Primus, save me_,' Starscream breathed. 'I _know I've done incredibly bad things, but I don't deserve this_. _I am __**not**__ your Autobot. Do not touch __**anything**__. Your very presence disturbs me._'

There was a sudden flash of silver above, and Sam's neck nearly snapped as he jerked his head up. 'Wha-'

'_Megatron,_' the Seeker hissed, '_refuses to tell me where we are going._'

'...And?'

'_And I will have to __**follow him**__._'

This still didn't mean much to Sam. 'And?'

'_He's so __**slow**_!' Starscream raged, making the human flinch as his very interior trembled with ire. '_He's- he's so obnoxiously slow!'_

Even though he couldn't particularly see this 'slowness' himself, Sam did feel sorry for the Decepticon- he seemed genuinely distressed. The teenager glanced to his right and ogled at the landscape flashing by far below.

'We- we're pretty fast at the moment,' he offered in cautious appeasement, unable to tear his eyes away.

'_No! No, this is slow_,' Starscream ranted furiously. '_You may be used to your- your Prime trundling 'speeds' and old glitchy 'speeds'- and those arrogant Autobots who think they're fast- but this is __**sloooooooooooooooow**_!'

'...Okay?' Sam wavered.

'_It is __**not**__ okay!_'

Sam howled as the jet suddenly span, flipping wing over wing, sending him tumbling around the tiny space- well, it would have been a tumble, except it was fast enough just for him to firmly smack into the varying surfaces around him.

After what was a painful process of reclaiming the seat, the human exhaled. 'What was that?'

'_I was venting._'

'Can't you vent some other way?'

'_I could mix it up and travel anticlockwise, if that would make you easier about it._'

'What-? Look, there was no warning-! Don't- don't do that again,' Sam demanded- it turned into a high-pitched wail of a plea as Starscream rolled again. 'Alright- I'm sorry! I didn't mean to order you around! Just- just not with me again, not with me- do it by yourself all you like- just not now, not even in a minute, you hear? Please?'

There was a silence.

'I wouldn't want to tell you what to do,' Sam rushed desperately. 'Did- did that sound like I was ordering you around again? Because I mean, that is totally, _totally_ not what I was aiming for- I wouldn't do that...?'

Some control in the cockpit _moved_, and he flinched back into the seat with a squeak before remembering that he was indeed, unable to flinch away from this particular nightmare.

'_So, boy._'

The jet dipped minutely, and Sam squealed, scrabbling for some kind of safety.

Starscream- for lack of a better word- vibrated. Probably laughing, Sam's fear-ridden mind proposed suddenly.

'Is- can- isn't there any kind of... of safety-belt?' he hopefully asked.

An audible cackle this time. '_Boy, I'm hurt-! You don't ask your Autobots for 'safety-belts'. I'll look after you, don't you worry._'

A shadow suddenly fell across the cockpit. Sam was in the process of blinking dumbly when Starscream hissed, rolling rapidly, almost violently.

Sam bounced about. 'Whaaaa-wha-t?' He shrieked again as a giant aircraft plunged out of nowhere to fly beside them. 'Tell me that's Megatron-!'

'_I wish it were not_,' Starscream hissed. '_Then I could take him out of the sky for daring to occupy it at such a slow, worthless pace-_'

'Oh, please don't-!' The thought of some kind of rapid aerial altercation made him feel very, very ill.

'_Shut up. I'm not that stupid_.'

'But-'

'_Although I could out fly him_,' Starscream suddenly announced.

'Nonono,' Sam protested 'Nonono, very bad idea- no-'

'_If you must persist in speaking like Frenzy, I will leave you in his company_.'

'F-Frenzy?'

'_Barricade reported that you two have met before_.'

'Barricade? The- the cop, right?'

Starscream had evidently lost all hope of a vaguely intelligent conversation. '_Miniscule. Silver. Retarded._'

'...Spiky?' Sam remembered with horror.

'_Quite_.'

'I'll be quiet.'

'_I did not tell you to be __**silent**__. I told you to stop jabbering._'

'How about I stop jabbering if you stop flying so dangerously?' Sam tried to cling onto the glass of the cockpit as Starscream randomly flipped again.

'_Dangerous?_' Starscream was incredulous. '_You haven't even __**experienced**__ flying._'

'I'll- I'll throw up inside you-!' Sam threatened.

'_Try it_,' the mech replied smugly. '_I'll eject you before the bile rises_.'

'Oh, nicccce.'

'_You proposed it first_.'

'You're evil!' Sam howled.

'_I know.' _He sounded delighted.

Sam sat miserably for a moment. '...Can I touch the stuff now?'

'_No_.'

He leant forwards, inspecting the dashboard, then pointed at a dial. 'So what does _that_ do?'

_'It doesn't do anything, idiot_.'

'Fine- what does it _show?_'

'_Nothing_.'

'...How about _that_?'

'_Nothing_.'

'_**This**__?_'

'_Nothing. I'm telling you nothing_.'

'But _why_?'

'_Oh- it's all for show, twerp._'

Sam was triumphant. 'So why is your wheel moving?'

'_**Wheel**__-!_' Starscream nearly screeched, deafening the human. '_I do not have a __**wheel!**__'_

Sam poked at the device. 'Whatever it is, it's moving.'

'_Why,_' Starscream moaned, '_**why**__ am I stuck with you?_'

'Hey, it's a fair question!'

'_I'm not answering_.'

'But-'

'_Put it like this: you know how your main orifice opens and closes and __**nothing **__ever comes out_?'

'...That's not right! I speak perfect-'

'_You know how nothing of __**worth **__ever comes out? It's not really the same thing at all, I just felt like insulting you. I don't have to move it, but it's just easier- __**do not touch**_.'

'Please?'

'_Are you dumb, primate_?'

Sam pouted. 'But I might never get the chance again-!'

'_No. Don't suppose you will_.'

Whatever the human was about to say was lost as Starscream dived- naturally without warning.

Sam shrieked as the mech suddenly transformed- and left him tumbling in mid-air to his doom- a smack into the floor; would it kill him instantly? Would it be painful? Would he get to hear his bones snapping and crunching-?

He smacked into a hand. The capacity for speech left him, and he lay gasping.

'What have you done to my boy?' Megatron demanded.

'I stunned him. He is in awe.'

'Does this mean he cannot speak?'

'Apparently. How fortunate.'

'Ah well.' Megatron abruptly plucked Sam into the air. 'We have arrived, boy.'

'Arrived where?' Sam forced himself to wheeze feebly.

'I have a treat for you, boy.'

_Oh, God. _Sam speedily took in his surroundings- forest, gently rippling lake, more forest. His voice returned. 'Forest? I don't like forests- bad times, bad times- and treats? I hate treats, no treat, I really, really don't want a treat- do you even know what a treat is?'

'Of course. I regularly dispense treats.'

'You- you do?'

'Sometimes I allow Starscream the treat of tearing organic life forms apart- although admittedly, I enjoy it just as much.'

Sam glanced from one to the other. 'You- you're joking, right? Having a laugh? Jibing? Teasing?'

'No.'

'Scientific purposes,' Starscream whispered excitedly. '_Sciennnnnncccccce_.'

'Oh _God!_' Sam shrieked, flailing manically. 'Oh _man oh God oh MAN-_'

'Grow up,' Megatron advised cheerfully, and enthusiastically bounced him in his (debatable) palm.

Sam howled, twisting to try and avoid being impaled on a claw.

'Goodness,' Starscream noted. 'The boy is hysterical today.'

Sam did _not_ like the way Starscream hissed every single _s_, like some kind of reptile. And elongated random vowels. 'Why do you _do_ that?'

'Do what?'

'You- you're retarded!'

Megatron managed to block a furious dive from the Seeker, Sam firmly held in his other claw-hand thing. 'I am surrounded by incompetence.'

'He called me _retarded_!' Starscream justified before lunging for him again.

Megatron kicked him away lazily. 'Truth hurts.'

The other mech recovered from what could have been an ungraceful sprawling fall, flipping back to his pedes and eyeing Sam angrily.

The teenager wailed slightly. 'I want to go home!'

It seemed that Starscream had finished, however. The next move of the second in command was to heavily throw himself down on his aft- and sulk.

Megatron sighed, equally heavily.

Neither moved for a couple of minutes.

Sam wriggled slightly, leg suddenly spasming in intense agony. 'Oh no- no, no, _cramp_, no, no, nono, _argh!_'

'Boy, Mummy and Daddy are having issues. Be quiet and wait for your treat.'

'For _God's sake_,' he shouted, pain pushed to the back of his mind. 'I don't _want _a treat!'

'I will lock you in your cage,' the Decepticon threatened.

'That would be nice! At least _then_ I could curl up in a corner and cry angstily!'

With his free hand, Megatron massaged his forehelm. 'Boy, your discipline begins tomorrow.'

'_Screwwww_ your discipline! I want Optimus back!'

'That's simply rude.' Megatron's arm suddenly transformed into a gigantic-

'ARGHHH,' Sam shrieked. 'Cannon! I didn't mean it! Don't kill me!'

The Decepticon shot the ground- soil flying everywhere. 'Here. A nice small hole.'

'That's a humungous _crater_!' Sam disagreed, peering at the void in horror. 'Are- are you going to bury me alive? Oh, please not that! The soil, around my face? I couldn't breathe- it'd be gross, worms, beetles, maggots-'

Megatron deposited him into the hole without further ado. 'Stay, boy.'

'NOOOO!' Sam clawed at the edges of the pit in despair. It was at least twice, nearly three times his height.

'Stop being so dramatic. Just _stay_ whilst I deal with the failure.'

'I have a fear of giant holes,' he wailed. 'Back in my childhood-'

Predictably, Megatron ignored him and went off somewhere.

Now he couldn't even _see_ anything apart from the ridiculously clear and nice blue sky. Stupid sky. Why did it have to be so cheerful and naive? At least he could hear- so he concentrated on listening, as similarly stupid as that concept was.

'I am _not_ sulking!' Starscream was hissing.

'You _are_.'

'Go away; the boy is probably dying over there.'

'Probably,' Megatron agreed amiably with a slight shrug. 'In which case, I remind you to leave him alone.'

Starscream's talons stiffened. 'No! I have had to put up with him for too long already! He insults me and mocks me, and-'

'Behold!' the other mech suddenly rumbled.

'What?'

'See that, Starscream?' Megatron stood, pointing at nothing.

'Here we go.' The Seeker resigned himself, rubbing a hand across his face wearily.

'Yes, I'm sure you see it. _I_, _Megatron_, am the commander of the Decepticons. You are _not_.'

'_You have the symbol __**there**__,_' Starscream muttered, preparing himself.

Megatron jabbed Starscream in his forehelm. 'In case you've forgotten, you have the Decepticon symbol _there_.'

The smaller mech pouted angrily, recoiling from the contact and grumbling very quietly. '_Don't tell me- you __**haven't**__ got an insignia._'

'I don't even _have_ an insignia!' Megatron cried. 'I have no idea where it is!'

'_And this __**inexplicably**__ makes you superior_.'

'This inexplicably makes _me_ superior!'

The Seeker voiced his doubts aloud, unable to restrain himself. 'I still don't understand that. Where is your insignia?'

'Don't question my design; it's flawless. _This_ is perfection.'

Starscream refused to reply to this blatant bias.

'What was the point of this?' Megatron wondered. 'I can't remember. You _fool_, Starscream. You distracted me with your idiocy. Ah- yes. Let's try that again.'

'Primus, why?'

'We'll do it again and again until you finally learn it. Who am I?'

'Megatr- _ow!'_

'I'll slap you again,' the silver mech warned.

'Slapping is such a femmely action,' Starscream complained, lower lip protruding ruefully in a definite pout.

'Then it's fitting that you're femmely. Now, back to it. Who am I?'

'_Lord_ Megatron,' the Seeker sulked.

'Better. And?'

'Supreme Commander of the Decepticons.'

'And who are _you_?'

'Starscream.'

'Are you the Supreme Commander too, Starscream?'

'No,' Starscream answered, and then continued quietly. '_...Not yet_.'

'I see.' Luckily, Megatron was busy musing over this piece of information. 'So I'm _Supreme Commander_. What does that mean?'

'That you're supremely in command,' Starscream silkily hissed.

'And?'

'That even in death, there is no command but yours.' An undertone again: '_I don't even know how that __**works**__._'

Megatron was very pleased with the _complete _initiative and originality of the other mech. 'True. So?'

'So I have to-' Starscream hastily corrected himself- 'so it is my _utter pleasure_ to serve you.'

'Right.'

They let that sink in for a while.

'I still hate the boy.'

'I know you do. I'm not asking you to like him,' Megatron said gently- Starscream looked up hopefully. 'I'm asking you to _cherish _him.'

'I don't _want_ to be cherished, you a-holes!' Sam cried from his hole. 'I want Optimus and 'bee!'

'It's alright, boy,' Megatron called back. 'You'll get attention soon!'

'Why don't you ever _listen_?' Sam howled.

Starscream exhaled heavily, shaking his helm slightly.

'I _am _listening. See? We're having a conversation!'

'No, you _aren't_ listening to what I say! I want to go home!'

'But we're having a joyous day out,' Megatron frowned, then brightened and strode back to the 'hole'. 'Well, boy. I suppose you've been ignored for long enough.'

An extremely filthy Sam glared back up at him.

Megatron tweezered him out using two claws. 'You're dirty, boy. Did you have a good play in the soil?'

'I wasn't playing! I was frantically trying to escape!'

'...You are disgusting,' Starscream growled, eyeing the human warily.

'Starscream,' Megatron warned. 'Control yourself.'

'But he needs to _die_,' the Seeker wailed. 'He's asking for it!'

That was going too far. 'I never asked for it! You just thrust yourselves into my life!'

'No,' the commander smugly intervened. 'You thrust yourself in _ours_. We're older than you, so we were here first.'

'Not on _my_ planet!' Sam shrieked.

'Well,' Megatron continued brightly. 'Would you say that the human race treats this planet with dignity and respect?'

'Yes,' the teenager firmly replied. 'That's why we replant trees.'

Starscream smashed his helm into a tree.

'Hey!' Sam protested. 'You vandal!'

Megatron continued. 'Do you say that your species fully appreciates _all_ that this planet provides them with?'

'...Yes?'

'Do _you_?'

'Of course. Any chance I get, I, uh, am flinging my arms around trees and feeding the birds and dancing around mushroom circles-'

'In that case,' Megatron began brightly - Sam suddenly noticed that any time the Decepticon was cheery, it was bad news for somebody else- 'why don't you appreciate what you have been provided with this _very_ moment?'

'This- this moment?' Sam repeated, suspiciously bewildered. 'As in right now?'

'As in now,' Megatron agreed. 'You _are _dirty, after all.'

Sam suddenly remembered the lake- his head snapped around to view the ominously glittering ripples in horror. 'Oh- I don't like water- it's just too- too wet-?'

Without further ado, the boy was flung into the lake with a shriek. He didn't re-emerge.

Starscream watched with vague interest as the undulating waves from Sam's point of disappearance slowly faded. '...Can we go now?'

* * *

**Next time we'll discover what happens when Megatron realises Sam is drowning! That could have been in this chapter, but I'm trying to keep them fairly short and under control. ;D I have so many ideas I can't even begin to list them, but Soundwave is definitely going to play a larger role, as befits such a marvellous character. (;  
**

**Thank you to everybody for Chapter One reviews, favouriting, alerting, and brilliant ideas. :D**

**As before, any SAMtortures will be eagerly accepted.**

**Till next time, on this super journey with the Decepticons and the boy!**


	3. Death Becomes Appealing

**WOO, here's another chapter for you all!**

**I'm now going to stop denying the fact that I have important exams in three/four days. :D Revision, here I come. It's all the more brilliant by the good timing of said exams! I have two on my birthday. Twooooooooooo exams on my birthday. I think I might die.**

**No matter! If I don't die, I'll have plenty more time to write. Updates will definitely speed up after Tuesday, my faithfuls! CX**

**I hope this lives up to expectation. and as ever, if you have a chuckle, please leave a review. C:**

**PS. There will be more of the other Decepticons as requested. Everything you ask for will be written in, I assure you (well, as long as it's within my boundaries)! ;D**

**PPS. I neglected to mention this last update- we have deduced how you flourish a door! It's all in the arm _not _opening said door. You can wave and thrust that about with abandon. Brilliance. Cookies to Grumpy Old Diamond.**

* * *

Starscream watched with vague interest as the undulating waves from Sam's point of disappearance slowly faded. '...Can we go now?'

'We must wait for the boy,' Megatron declared, frowning. 'Why has he refused to re-emerge?'

'Not _everything_ is a matter of choice,' Starscream replied witheringly. 'Not _everything_ is refusal or compliance.'

'Yes _it_ _is,_' the commander disagreed.

The Seeker's optics flickered away from the water. 'Prove it.'

'Is that some form of a challenge?'

'Maybe it is, if you want to view it that way.'

'Have you just _challenged_ **_Megatron_**_?_'

'Must we go over this again?' Starscream demanded. 'The boy could be drowning.'

'Drowning in what?'

The smaller mech nearly wailed. 'He needs _oxygen_ to live!'

'And?'

'Humans cannot _breathe_ underwater!'

'Says who?'

'Says- says _life_!'

'Who is this life?' Megatron demanded. 'How dare they stipulate if the boy can live or not! I shall-'

'The boy is going to _die_,' Starscream enunciated clearly, hoping the message might be conveyed.

A rumbling growl from the commander was accompanied by the appearance of his intimidating cannon. 'A _death threat_, Starscream?'

The Seeker hurriedly backed away, wings lowered. 'No, no! I was- I was just _saying_ that unless the boy is retrieved from the lake it will be his end!'

'Well then,' Megatron snarled lowly, 'you had better get in there at once, hadn't you?'

'But what if he's deep under? I don't want to get wet! The water will get inside-'

'I am ordering you to go.'

Starscream hissed furiously. 'I refuse! _You _will have to retrieve him!'

'Must we make this painful?' Megatron asked dangerously.

'I'd like to see _you_ go underwater!' the second snapped, then stroked his chin in mock-thought. 'Oh wait, you have! Two _years_ of it.'

'Go _now_,' Megatron snarled.

'But- but I don't _lik_-' Starscream eyed his bristling commander, wisely rethought the complaint and, with a shudder and tensing of his wings, miserably stepped down into the water. Coming up to his lower leg, the liquid instantly worked past his armour, swirling around his inner mechanisms and chilling his protoform. '_Cold_!' he wailed, clenching a fist reflexively.

Megatron's cannon clicked deeply and ominously.

'I'm _going_!'

Starscream scanned the water in misery, trying to locate the human. The lake was much deeper than he had originally anticipated. Hopefully he wouldn't have to completely submerge in order to retrieve-

Oh, _stupid boy_.

With a snarl of frustration, the Seeker flicked his wings violently and dived below the surface.

* * *

Megatron watched impatiently.

Starscream would probably drag this out for as long as he could, he knew; the Seeker was most resentful of being forced to do undesirable things. Not that it really mattered- Megatron always came out on top.

Always.

Which was why he remained satisfyingly in control of his mounting frustrations as Starscream stayed underwater. The Seeker would suffer for it later, and this time could be used for imagining his humiliation. The method for extracting said humiliation would be a spontaneous one, of course. Megatron did _not _plan anything- why should he? He was _Megatron_, and he had minions to plan for him.

Starscream's helm finally broke the surface of the water.

Megatron smiled pleasantly as furious red optics narrowed at him. 'Hello, _dear_.'

The Seeker decided not to honour the commander with words- instead, he simply and hatefully _oozed_ his way through the lake to the edge.

'No,' Megatron cheerfully denied, blocking the mech's exit. 'You're not coming out. Give me the boy.'

Seething, Starscream spat a limp, unmoving Sam into Megatron's claws.

'You've killed him, you fool.'

'I disagree. The water killed him.'

'Hurry up and unkill him,' Megatron ordered.

'You can't just _unkill_ something. That word isn't even real.'

'I have said it, and I have made it so.'

'Well, I cannot revive him. I cannot perform CPR. It would kill him.'

'He's already dead. What's the problem?'

'He isn't _dead. _His heart is still beating, albeit in a most irregular and slow fashion. CPR would break his stick-like _bones_,' Starscream hissed. 'Don't you know what CPR _is?_'

'Revive him, or I will give _you_ CPR,' Megatron smugly threatened.

'You don't know a thing about CPR!' the Seeker accused.

'_Wrong_!' Megatron cried delightedly. 'And you know I always carry through threats.'

Starscream thought for a moment and concluded that CPR from Megatron was _not_ preferable.

Luckily for Sam, he also calculated the exact amount of pressure which could be applied to the human's chest without serious damage.

So began the process of trying to restore Sam's life- not that it seemed to be going too well.

'Put him down on the ground,' Starscream hissed. 'Or let me out of the water.'

Megatron refused to do the latter, and so Sam was flopped onto the grass like a dead fish.

Starscream eyed him for a moment before reaching out with a talon and prodding the human's chest.

'What on _Cybertron_ are you doing?' Megatron demanded immediately, holding him back. 'Why must you touch the boy?'

'CP**_R_**!' Starscream shrieked furiously. 'I _knew_ you didn't know anything about it! It- it involves chest compressions!'

'Humans thump on another's chest?' the commander asked incredulously.

'To mimic genuine circulation,' Starscream expanded. 'I'm surprised that it ever works at all.'

'If this doesn't work, I will thump on _your_ chassis,' Megatron promised, letting him get back to the prodding. 'We will perfect the thumping technique. Don't say I never let you develop your skills. We will practice thumping until it _does_ work.'

'But I'll still be alive,' the Seeker pointed out whilst jabbing firmly at Sam's chest. 'This is supposed to be performed when-'

'I do believe that this isn't working,' Megatron concluded icily. 'I suppose there _is _another stage to this CPR?'

'There _is_,' Starscream admitted, becoming more worried for his own survival. 'There is, but I absolutely refuse to try it. I will continue prodding him instead.'

After much anxious poking, the human coughed.

'Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, _life_,' Megatron enthused, watching Sam choke on water.

'_May_ I get out of this lake now?' Starscream asked derisively, already flicking his wings and lifting himself out.

Megatron speedily grasped the Seeker by the wonderfully presented back of his neck. 'No, you may not.'

'But my _thrusters_!' Starscream wailed, already dreading the water re-entering his precious systems.

'Do I care about them?'

'You _should_!' the Seeker hissed, wriggling violently. 'Am I any good to you without the capacity for flight?'

'You could still irritate the enemy,' Megatron snapped.

'This isn't _fair_,' the smaller Decepticon growled. 'Did I or did I not retrieve you the boy _and_ in addition save his life?'

'You know perfectly well how rude you were before.'

'But I _still_ did it!' Starscream nearly whined.

'Of course you did it- I told you to. _One orn_, Starscream, you might follow my orders without questioning them.'

'I wouldn't be a very efficient second in command,' the Seeker disputed, attempting to squirm free again. 'I thought that one of my _roles_ was to check over your _ideas_.'

'No, _no_. You check over _plans_, not my orders.'

'Your orders are part of plans!'

Megatron held him out over the water threateningly. 'I gave you a direct order, you absolute prat- they are _not_ to be undermined and you know it.'

'I wasn't _undermining_,' Starscream attempted to justify with a slight whine. 'I was merely indicating my dislike for such a task-'

'You have done far worse under me than enter a lake.'

'Boy!' the Seeker cried suddenly, noting Sam sit up gingerly. 'Boy, wasn't that water absolutely hideous?'

Sam instinctively jerked in the opposite direction, then managed to calm himself. 'W-water? As in, that? There?'

'Why would anyone bother teaching him to speak?' Starscream wondered aloud.

'When you're flung in without warning- into the cold, cold_ness_ of it- I guess it _is _hideous!' Sam shouted furiously, then returned to a coughing fit.

'See?' Starscream scowled. 'Even the _boy_ agrees with me.'

Megatron hurled the Seeker back into the lake, whereupon he promptly disappeared beneath the surface. 'Boy, how was your return to life?'

'I'm f-freezing,' Sam stuttered, arms trembling as he attempted to hug himself.

'You know what _I _discovered?' Starscream's helm popped up maliciously. 'Upon exiting icy water, a human should remove wet clothing to raise body temperature.'

'Get _lost!_' Sam howled. 'I'd rather die than lose my dignity! Get away from my clothes!'

Megatron's cannon shifted slightly- a second later, the water behind Starscream exploded in a giant wave.

The Decepticon had wisely made a decidedly swift dive.

Megatron eyed the shivering human with interest. 'What is this about the removal of clothing, boy? Starscream rarely suggests anything without some form of truth behind it, albeit occasionally an extremely slight truth.'

'LIES!' Sam shouted quickly, urging his mind to think up an excuse. 'Clothes are essential for heat! **Essential**!'

Megatron plucked him into the air. 'Would you die if they were removed?'

'Yes! Most definitely! It- it would be like peeling my skin off! Very, very painful and very fatal!'

Starscream popped up again, spluttering. 'That's a lie! And how can something be _very_ fatal? It either _is_ or _isn't_-'

'Did your mother never teach you that eavesdropping is rude?' Megatron snapped in a somehow blasé fashion.

'You know _full well_ that I never ha-'

Megatron eyed Starscream witheringly. 'The boy would know better than you what would ensure his survival.'

'But he is _lying_ on purpose!'

'What reason could he have for lying?'

'To hide something!' Starscream shrieked.

'Shut up,' Megatron snarled.

The Seeker sulkily and slowly retired underneath the surface again, optics burning resentfully.

'You look very clean, boy!' Megatron announced brightly.

'I'm going to die of hypothermia,' Sam wailed.

'But you're clean!'

'_So?_' Sam roared.

Megatron was slightly surprised by the passionate response. 'You must be pleased to be clean again.'

'I am _freezing_,' Sam managed to spit out between gritted teeth. '_Freezing_. You know, chilled, totally icy? I would have thought _you_ know what it's like to be cold.'

There was silence- nothing but the soft sway of water and rustling of leaves and the chattering of Sam's teeth. Eventually, the human glanced up, only to see some kind of bewilderment on the tyrant's face and... and something else he couldn't place-

'Cold?' Megatron suddenly spoke- but it was soft, confused.

'Yes.' Sam couldn't bring himself to snap. 'Cold. Pretty much an awful way to exist, you know?'

'What- what would I know about being cold?' he asked, almost frowning, optics fixed on nothing. 'I don't know what you're referring to.'

'...Well, could we go? I'm going to get a chill if I stay out here,' Sam mumbled. 'Like, be ill.'

'Ill?' Megatron was startled.

'You metallic types are obviously quite capable of being- being frozen and all, but I'm very delicate- not as delicate as my mother thinks but _still_ delicate, I mean- got to wrap up warm with scarves and gloves- you know, not let the wind get to you? Catch a cold?'

This obviously sounded fairly serious to Megatron, who immediately eyed the water. 'Starscream!'

The mech didn't emerge.

'STARSCREAM!'

Still nothing- Megatron furiously blasted the water.

Just as the water settled again, a sudden undulation preceded Starscream's helm popping up, which then suspiciously glanced around with rapid movements. 'My lord, where did that fire originate from? Are you under attack?'

Megatron snapped his claws. 'I think you mean _we_. Are _we_ under attack.'

'...No. If you were under attack, I was planning on quietly submerging.'

'We are _leaving_.'

'Goodo.' Starscream shot towards the edge, springing out to land momentarily on all fours.

Sam jumped in surprise, then cried out as the mech suddenly shook, water flying everywhere. Megatron, credit to him, managed not to twitch.

Starscream sighed, rotating something inwardly before flapping his wings vigorously- pelting the others with yet _more_ water.

'He's _very_ attention-seeking,' Megatron informed as Starscream tested his thrusters deafeningly.

'I would n-never have guessed.' Sam's teeth continued to chatter.

'What is that clicking action?'

'Like a rattlesnake,' Starscream cackled. 'He's going to attack you.'

'H-human response to cold,' Sam stuttered, closing his eyes tightly and shivering.

Starscream was busy checking over his every system and internal workings by the clicking and whirring sounds coming from his body.

'Cold?' Megatron asked quietly.

'Obviously,' Sam muttered miserably, still hugging himself wretchedly.

The human hardly noticed the casual claw adjustment until it resulted in him toppling into Megatron's chassis. He was about to complain half-heartedly when he realised that closer to Megatron's chassis was definitely closer to warmth.

Not being one to refuse such a beautiful gift, Sam swallowed his mind's immediate panic and leant against the heated metal, sighing with pleasure.

'Starscream!' Megatron began delightedly. 'We shall be walking back.'

The Seeker visibly froze, then flapped his wings once. 'Walking.'

'Yes. Using legs.'

'I have an issue with that.'

Megatron's mouth shifted slightly into a smirk. 'Do you have legs, Starscream?'

'I do, my liege.'

'Your problem, then?'

'I would like to respectfully draw attention to my legs,' Starscream began pleasantly.

'Very nice they are too.'

Sam glanced at the Seeker's legs. 'Why are they bendy?'

'They aren't _bendy!_' Starscream snapped furiously, then calmed himself. 'They are double-jointed.'

'Weiiiiiiiirdo,' Sam shrugged.

'You _know_ that I can't walk that far,' Starscream suddenly pleaded.

'We have discussed this before,' Megatron firmly replied.

'But my legs aren't designed for long-distance walking!'

'What are they for if not for walking?' Sam asked, wrinkling his nose.

Starscream didn't feel the need to explain, instead eyeing Megatron desperately.

The commander continued the conversation in some other language.

Sam was happy enough to bathe in the glorious heat from the alien's chassis, so he didn't really mind being left out.

Starscream listened intently, wings pricking at certain points.

'How would that suit you?' Megatron asked abruptly.

'Suits me fine,' Sam replied- then had the crushing shame of realising that he hadn't been the intended recipient and cringed in humiliation.

Starscream looked fairly pleased. 'Thank you, my lord.'

In the end, it seemed that Megatron had appeased Starscream with some sort of bargain that the Seeker would walk most of the way and fly when he felt he had some sort of problem.

What the problem was, Sam wasn't so sure. And probably wasn't going to ask, either. It seemed a little personal.

There had been a point where Megatron had actually turned his cannon on the other mech and demanded he fly. This was probably due to Starscream's loud, continuous complaints and the rock that had '_accidentally'_ been kicked/knocked/alright, _thrown _at the commander.

Anyway, apart from this slight incident, the journey back was without problem.

* * *

It was later in the day that Soundwave came up with a foolproof method of making sure they didn't lose him.

'A _wrist tag_?' Megatron repeated.

'Wrist tag,' Soundwave re-repeated. 'Will provide boy's location.'

'Are you inferring that I cannot look after the boy myself?' Megatron demanded aggressively. 'I would not need such a thing!'

'Other mechs may lose him,' Soundwave explained. 'Example: Starscream.'

Starscream paused in his bouncing of a ball against the wall and spread his wings violently. 'Do you want to say that again, tentacle-freak?'

'I don't want a wrist tag!' Sam shouted loudly. 'I'll feel like some animal!'

Soundwave glanced at Starscream and waved a tendril before returning his attention to Megatron.

Starscream bounced the ball against the wall with a menacing _thwanggg _before approaching the commander himself. 'Master, you know how faithfully I have served you.'

Sam thought he heard Soundwave choke, but robots didn't choke. Right?

'What do you want now?' Megatron asked wearily.

'Only permission to attack Soundwave,' Starscream begged sweetly. 'Please, my lord?'

'_No_,' the silver mech replied firmly. 'No.'

'But-'

'You know very well that I will not tolerate infighting,' Megatron announced loudly. 'Especially not between highly ranking officers.'

Sam was sure that Soundwave gave Starscream a dirty look.

'If that tentacle comes waving in my direction again,' the Seeker smiled pleasantly, 'I will have no hesitation in introducing it to my faithful colleague, agony.'

'Suggestion,' Soundwave retorted tunefully. 'Starscream should try it.'

'You start,' Starscream hissed, optics brightening. 'I'm behaving for once.'

Sam watched incredulously. 'You both realise that Megatron said no infighting?'

'Affirmative, boy.' Soundwave replied.

Starscream deigned to almost look at him.

'And you're still standing right in front of him as you both square up to each other? Is- is there any sense in that? I mean, I'd at least wait until I was outside of the room-'

'Thank you, _boy_,' Megatron interrupted, then snapped his claws. The two Decepticons turned back to him. 'No fighting.'

Starscream flicked a wing carelessly. 'Just because I'd easily win.'

'Lies,' Soundwave sang.

'Try it, freak.'

'Soundwave,' Megatron surprisingly intervened. 'Put the tag on the boy.'

'Oh, come on!' Sam protested as a tentacle loomed towards and grabbed him firmly. 'I don't want one! I don't need one! Have I even _tried_ to run away?'

'It isn't like we wouldn't be able to find him,' Starscream agreed, looking oddly unnerved. 'I disapprove of this.'

Sam strained furiously to get away as another tendril snapped a band around his wrist. 'This is _mean_!'

'Boy will sulk for some time,' Soundwave added. 'Boy will feel upset and trapped. Soundwave gathers this from experience. Starscream: has none of this.'

'At least I don't touch up satellites,' Starscream hissed viciously, returning to his previous activity, this time literally hurling the ball into the wall.

'It's for your own good, boy!' Megatron tried to make the human feel better.

'I hate you!' Sam shouted.

'Perfectly natural,' Soundwave nodded knowledgeably. 'Boy will feel better soon.'

* * *

If they were expecting 'soon' to be within a couple of hours, they were wrong.

'Soon' didn't come until a somewhat large distraction.

The Decepticons seemed fairly busy- well, as busy as the Decepticons got.

Not that Sam cared.

Sam, plucking miserably at his wrist tag, failed to notice the tendril heading for him until it had wrapped itself around his abdomen. A shout escaped him as it tightened and lifted him up and over- he wriggled furiously.

This had to be Soundwave again.

Then again, perhaps it would be better not to struggle. Soundwave had been nice thus far, on the brief occasion Sam had seen him. Apart from the wrist tag, the filthy swine.

He heaved once more at the tendril, both palms pushing at it, then gave up.

Soundwave's tentacle carried him over to where the mech was standing- which was facing Megatron.

'What now?' The commander sighed deeply.

'Favour; Soundwave will ask it,' Soundwave proposed.

'...Do I owe you anything?'

'Answer: yes. Evidence: Soundwave aids Lord Megatron with personal-'

'Blahblah. Hand me the boy.'

'Ravage; condition: agitated.' Soundwave informed, getting to the problem and dropping Sam gently into Megatron's hand at the same time. 'Solution; walk.'

'Megatron; too busy,' Megatron replied, then cursed. 'Your infernal method of speaking is contagious! Go and speak to that wall!' He squeezed Sam happily, only releasing the pressure when the human twitched. '...Ooops. Sorry, boy. Couldn't stop myself.'

Soundwave valiantly turned to face the inanimate object and persisted. 'Soundwave; schedule full to capacity. Ravage; _exercise_.'

'Ravage is a big kitty. He can go by himself.'

'Fear; will chase wildlife again.'

'Can't you see I'm busy... with the boy?' Megatron flicked Sam gently.

The claw slammed into the teenager's forearm.

Sam yelped- or failed to, rather. The reflexive cry lodged in his throat, which began to close up. He wheezed desperately, his breaths shortening.

'The boy looks thrilled!' Megatron cried.

Soundwave was watching a little more closely as Sam's widened eyes watered, chest heaving.

'Boy cannot breathe.'

'Of course he can. Even the boy is not so stupid as to forget how to breathe.' Megatron peered at Sam.

'Boy's throat is constricting,' Soundwave suggested. 'Boy cannot intake oxygen.'

'Why the _frag_ don't we have a medic around here?' Megatron demanded angrily.

'Decepticons are too strong for medics,' Starscream mocked, bouncing a ball against the wall. 'What use are the injured? If a mech is too injured to continue fighting, the Decepticons do not require him!'

'Shut up,' Megatron hissed, fusion cannon unsubspacing.

'I'm only reminding you of what _you_ say.'

'Medic; unnecessary,' Soundwave commented. 'Solution: found.'

Sam, silently choking and trying to suck oxygen through his tiny airway, watched in abject horror as a tentacle waved its way towards him. He shook his head frantically, arms waving desperately.

'What is that action?' Megatron demanded, slightly interested.

'Encouragement,' Soundwave explained. 'See: limbs wave _eagerly_.'

Megatron looked a tad upset that nothing thrilling was happening, and returned his attentions to Starscream.

Sam attempted to breathe again. If he just ignored the idiots and was able to calm down, he would be fine. He opened his mouth to intake a little air calmly... and cold metal thrust its way in.

'Nonono!' he managed to rasp.

'Relax, boy.' Soundwave replied smoothly.

Sam could feel the tendril edging towards the back of his throat- he tried to jerk his head away, reflexively retching.

The tentacle prodded him.

'What are you doing to my boy?' Megatron indignantly roared. The claws around Sam's midsection tightened slightly as he was rapidly pulled away. '_Stupid_ Soundwave. Starscream, deal with him.'

There was an excited snarl.

Sam gave up on life and decided to die.

Right, eyes shut. He wasn't breathing already, so that was sorted.

_That_ would teach those Autobots. They'd never manage to win another battle without him doing something. How had they ever managed to win without him?

'Boy?'

Must be Megatron still.

'Boy, what are you doing?'

Well, he could get lost. Sam kept both eyes firmly closed.

'BOY!' Then a pause, bewildered. 'Boy, you're not allowed to die.'

Sam felt his body be adjusted slightly, and he was pressed against something hard and warm.

'...Boy?'

It was quite relaxing, really. Warm, slightly... fuzzy? Was fuzzy the right word? No- perhaps vibrating. Was it vibrating slightly?

Fine, then. He'd just peek at whatever it was, then he'd get back to dying. He sneakily shifted one eyelid to _just_ peer out- a mass of metallic silver seemed to be the object he was against.

Ah, now that was odd. He was breathing again. Perhaps he'd already died and was about to leave his body.

_Sorry, 'bee, _he thought mournfully as he welcomed the pure sensation of breathing.

Turning slightly, he saw a tiny gap in his silver bubble of protection. Perhaps he was already floating up to heaven. Gee, no time was wasted around here. He decided to peek through the gap, see how far he had ascended.

...

Alright, so Starscream ferociously attacking Soundwave- and the latter attempting to tentacle-bind the other- wasn't what he had anticipated.

He glanced up. It was an odd angle- he couldn't see much. There was a low, odd sound- he couldn't identify the source. He irritably pushed at what he assumed was Megatron's claws (well, they might be blocking his path to the afterlife).

There was a pause in the harsh, deep noises, and the claws parted slightly.

'Boy?' Megatron peered down at him.

'I'd like to be going now,' Sam replied stiffly.

'You're alive?'

'Why so shocked?' Sam scowled, realising he was actually having a nice lie-down in the mech's palm. That was ridiculous. He struggled to his feet, a hand on the smooth metal to the opposite side of the claws.

'You're not dying?'

'No!' The human hesitated. 'Wait, you've got me worried now. Am I bleeding so bad I don't know? Like, as in I can't feel it because it's so serious? I'm numb? What if I _am_ dying-!'

The claws snapped shut again, and Sam fell to the side with a yelp, scuttling backwards into the nice, warm- his slow mind _finally_ worked out the angles and distances and provided the word- chest.

Oh dear _lord._ He was being held like some sort of invalid. How demeaning. He kicked the claws miserably.

'Megatron-! This isn't _fair!_'

There was no response. He pulled himself up onto his knees and attempted to find light. _Surely _there was a gap somew- ah!

A small chink of light shone though a tiny crack in the claws. He pressed an eye to it, and tried to work out what he was seeing, at the same time noting that deep sound again. It was quietly intense. Alien.

He could make out quite a few Decepticons.

Soundwave- looking slightly ruffled.

Starscream- as far as Sam knew him- didn't look happy. Not that Sam had ever seen him look particularly thrilled. Never mind. Black and white? Barricade? No, he didn't look happy either. Sam couldn't identify the parts he could see of the others.

Starscream opened his mouth to speak-

Sam frowned. The speech wasn't human, he was sure of it. Nor did it even sound like any of the languages he had heard the Autobots use when speaking to each other rapidly.

No, this was lower, sharper-

Starscream was bristling violently as he spoke- the other Decepticons looked fairly mutinous.

Not that they were heard out- Megatron's hair-raising snarl ended any kind of dispute.

Sam shivered and sank down, unable to repress a whimper.

The commander was speaking again- firmly. Even in a completely foreign language, there was no denying a weight behind his tone.

There was a dark hiss, and then a subdued, low chorus response from the others.

Feeling like crying, Sam curled up miserably. There was a slightly murmur, and then the claws parted again.

'Boy?' Megatron rumbled.

'They're going to kill me.' Sam intended for the statement to be quiet, doomed. Maybe even slightly noble. Instead his voice cracked halfway through, warping into a horrifyingly embarrassing squeal.

He thwacked his head into the claw behind him.

The giant mech firmly pushed Sam into his chassis.

The human wriggled unhappily against it, then rethought, and patted it awkwardly. 'You- you know what? Um, thank you, huge guy, I'm okay now- '

Megatron sighed. For a moment, Sam thought he would be freed, then-

Apparently it was possible to be even more firmly and forcefully pressed against Megatron's chassis.

'Boy, it's nothing.'

Sam gave up. Cybertronians just did not understand subtle hints.

Startlingly, there was movement- the Decepticon had obviously had enough of standing still.

Sam clutched onto a claw with a gulp. 'Where are we going?'

'I'm putting you to bed,' Megatron declared. 'You have had a lot of excitement, and Optimus said you need a bountiful amount of rest.'

There was absolutely no point in arguing.

Sam dully noticed doors opening and closing, and, after a moment or two of actually being deposited, registered that he was in his cage.

This time, however, Megatron did not leave the room. Something was different.

Sam flopped onto the cushion and tried to smother himself. It didn't work.

Nor, in fact, did the wistful breath-holding.

It just got painful.

There was a sigh. 'Stop it, boy.'

It seemed that he wasn't even allowed to try and kill himself. With a sniff, Sam rolled onto his side and eyed his wrist tag miserably. Hopefully the Autobots would return for him soon.

Surely they'd be missing him, just a little bit.

* * *

'Hah!' Sideswipe cried. 'Just look at that moat!'

Prowl eyed it approvingly. 'Good job. You need to deepen that short section by just one fourth of a millimeter.'

The silver Corvette shot off across the sand immediately, and carefully- oh so carefully- used his blade to scrape an appropriate depth. 'Right, Prowlie?'

'Perfect.' Prowl suddenly paused, then commed the other twin. 'Sunstreaker.'

_'Yo, Prowlie_!'

'Where is the sand? You are _supposed_ to be bringing sand!'

_'I am, Prowlie!_'

'No, Sunstreaker! I know exactly what you're doing. You're posing in front of humans.'

'_In my alternate, Prowlie! They love-_'

'Shall I tell you what I love, Sunstreaker? _**Results**_.'

'_Sorry, Prowlie! On the move, Prowlie!_'

Prowl sighed heavily, then glanced across to the other team.

Hot Rod seemed to be also posing on top of a giant mound of sand. (Primus knew where they had acquired it from.)

Bumblebee was watching him with a slight frown.

Prowl could hear his music clips from the other side of the beach.

'_You got to go dig those holes...!_' the yellow Camaro was crying indignantly.

'Sorry, 'bee! A mech's gotta pose when a mech's gotta pose!'

'_Some guys have all the luck,_' a man complained from the young Autobot's radio.

'Well, I don't see _you_ digging the hole.'

_'I still got sand in my shoes_!_'_

'You don't have any shoes. Teamwork, 'bee. It's teamwork.' Hot Rod finally jumped down from his sand-podium and slapped the smaller mech on the back, nearly smacking a doorwing. 'Right- let's do this!'

'We don't even have any sand,' Sideswipe muttered resentfully.

Prowl hadn't realised that the silver Autobot had been watching the other team as well. 'We have plenty of sand, Sideswipe. Sunstreaker is just making sure it is of the optimum quality.'

'Did someone say my name?' Optimus roared from a distance.

'OPTIMUM,' Prowl howled back.

'That isn't my name!' the Prime bellowed, hurt. 'I thought you would know that, Prowl!'

'Focus,' Sideswipe reminded the tactician. 'We need your processor, Prowlie.'

Sunstreaker arrived, panting gleefully- and unsubspaced a beastly load of sand into the moat.

The silver Corvette moaned in agony. 'Bro, my moat!'

'No matter!' his twin laughed deliriously. 'Ratchet's about to distract the other team. You watch.'

'Oh, like he distracted _you_ by telling you about the human congregation to the south? He _knew_ you couldn't resist going!' Sideswipe hissed.

Ratchet was gleefully shouting at unsuspecting mechs. 'Hot Rod! Did you know that if you look at the sky from exactly the right angle, the stars spell out your name?'

'No _way_?' the orange Autobot cried, neck cracking back to view the sky.

'_The stars aren't out tonight_,' Bumblebee wailed desperately, pulling at his arm.

'He's going to be looking up for a good while,' Prowl determined. 'Sunstreaker, that was a disgusting trick.'

'Sorry, Prowlie.'

The twins weren't sure whether they misheard the suddenly wickedly smiling tactician's next words or not.

'But it will give us a _fine _headstart.'

* * *

**Next time: we'll see what happens when the Decepticons realise that Sam needs food and Ravage demands his walk. Heheh. xD**

**My greatest thanks to everybody who favourited, alerted, and especially to reviewers and people who left ideas. Cx Come on, now. There must be something you can think of to ruin Sam's existence. Just think of all the trouble he's caused!**

**PS. If you have time, please check out 9aza's work, especially The Early Stages of War- she's a great writer. C: You'll find her link on my profile.**

**Till next time, everybody! :D**


	4. Huzzah For Walmart!

**ROAR, it's a quarter to midnight and here comes another chapter! Dive, dive for cover before you are obliterated by crack! Before I let you eagerly commence your readings of said crack, there were some brilliant suggestions last time. Thank you! All will be used at some point.**

**Oooh, isn't it fantastic that Megan Fox is gone from TF3? Beautiful. C':**

**Finally, it must be said: beautiful reviewers, thank you for your super-kind comments. They really make a difference to how enthused I become to write the next chapter. Thank you. C:**

**Enough of my rambling! Onwards, brave comrades of the Transformers fandom!**

* * *

Sam awoke to a roaring stomach; his hands flew to it immediately, attempting to press away the gnawing emptiness.

When he finally glanced up, he saw a huge and curious face peering at him. 'Boy, what is that noise? Do you die?'

'No,' Sam admitted reluctantly. 'I'm just- hungry.'

'For power?'

'For _food, _nourishment, sustenance-!'

Megatron blinked.

'Argh, you're so oblivious!' Sam face-palmed, then had inspiration. 'Starscream. Let me talk to Starscream.'

The Decepticon bristled instantly. 'No.'

'He's going to understand what I'm talking about!' Sam cried. 'Do you want me to die and crumble into ashes?'

Megatron, alarmed by the imagery, growled sulkily. 'Starscream is busy.'

'Of course he is,' Sam replied witheringly.

'I'm not leaving you alone with him,' Megatron warned.

'Oh, of course. We might start a rebellion,' Sam sniped derisively.

'STARSCREAM!' Megatron bellowed.

Sam tried to calm his startled, twitching cheek whilst Megatron huffed grumpily for a good two minutes.

There was a smack at the door before it slid open.

'Did you punch my door again?' the Commander demanded, cannon materialising.

Starscream gave a slight twitch of his shoulders. 'I attempted to push it open, forgetting it was automatic once the code was entered. How silly of me.'

'He's such a fool,' Megatron snapped to Sam.

'He is,' Starscream witheringly agreed, optics glaring at the other mech. 'What do you desire?'

'The boy wishes to speak with you,' Megatron snapped.

Sam climbed to his feet and waved from his cage. 'Hellooooo-oooo!'

'You called me from my duties so that the boy could be entertained,' Starscream ascertained disgustedly as Megatron trod away in the opposite direction.

'No, no, no, I need your help,' Sam rushed. 'See, I-'

'I am surprised that you are even still able to speak with such low energy levels,' the Seeker sniffed. 'You do not appear to be anorexic.'

'That's the thing!' the teenager cried, relieved. 'I need food!'

Starscream plucked Sam from the cage; Megatron turned to watch with a low, wary growl.

'So I have been drawn away from my responsibilities because there is _yet again_ some difficulty in translation.'

Sam nodded with an awkwardly apologetic shrug.

'Lord Megatron,' the Seeker swiftly attacked the problem, 'the boy is suffering from lack of human food. He must eat to replenish his energy levels, else he shall become exhausted, useless, and eventually die from starvation.'

'_Brilliant_,' Sam mouthed, giving the mech some thumbs-up.

'Where can this cure be found?' Megatron demanded.

'Stores!' Sam cried.

'Places in which humans gather together their various sustenance for easy purchase by non-gathering humans.'

'I see,' Megatron mused. 'Then we shall go.'

Sam inwardly celebrated. Then his mind replayed the utterance. '...'_We'_?'

'Of course you won't be left on your own,' the Commander reassured cheerfully. 'You might get lost.'

'Or make a break for freedom,' Starscream pointed out.

'...Or that, yes. Of course I had thought of that. Not that the boy would do this, idiot Seeker.'

'Can I _go _now?' Starscream snapped.

'Of course you can go with us,' Megatron affirmed. 'Fetch Soundwave in addition.'

Starscream stormed out of the room furiously after dropping Sam disdainfully onto Megatron's berth.

'Woah, woah- what is that?' Sam demanded, suddenly seeing Megatron holding something.

'What is what, boy?'

'That- _that_ in your claws,' the teenager pressed, staring intently.

'Oh, this?' Megatron 'suddenly' caught sight of the object and seemed delightedly surprised. 'Why, boy! This is your lead.'

Sam took a moment to close his eyes and rub a hand across his face.

He took another to calmly take in a breath, and then slowly begin the painful task of dissuasion. 'I'm gonna believe that I heard what I thought I heard- because it was ridiculous and so probably true- and I'm gonna ask _why_.'

'Why _what_, boy?'

'Why the hell you have a leash for me!' Sam shouted, disbelief and anger snapping through his forced serenity.

'For safety, boy!'

Sam tried to follow this argument, then gave up with a sigh. 'You lost me.'

'_Exactly_. And we don't want that, do we?' Megatron suddenly loomed upon him.

'I'll bite you!' Sam shouted desperately, waving his arms fearsomely. 'I will!'

The threat of great violence did not stop the mech.

In hindsight, trying to run away hadn't been the most convincing way to prove to Megatron that he didn't need a lead.

Nor did actually attempting to bite the claw nearest to him as he was pinned down.

Sam gave up his attempts to wrestle the huge being (it didn't seem _fair _that he could be held down with one mere hand- it was demeaning, unmanly) and exhaled heavily. 'Well, this brings back _fabulous_ memories.'

Megatron seemed pleased that he wasn't struggling. 'Really, boy? It does for me, too.'

'ARGHHH!' Sam shrieked, noting the mech's other hand-thing approaching alarmingly fast, claws _too_ close. 'Get your claws away from my head!'

The Decepticon tried to justify the movement. 'But boy, this is where collars go.'

There was a pause of giddy insanity.

'C-collar?'

'It's good to know that your fleshy hearing devices function well,' Megatron beamed.

'Woahwoahwoah. I can't have a collar.'

'Why, boy?'

Sam's brain set to work. 'I'm allergic.'

'Soundwave told me you would try and squirm out of this.'

'Screw Soundwave- I'm really not starting to like the guy! Listen, Megatron. Listen- and _stop _with the collar. Stop- stop!'

Megatron paused with a heavy sigh.

Sam took a deep breath and licked his lips nervously.

Now was the time to test it.

'Right. See here, this is where you and Optimus differ.'

The Decepticon Commander blinked.

Sam took this as Megatron allowing him to continue.

'See, Optimus wouldn't put a collar on me- because, _because-!_' he hurried, hearing a slight growl, '-_because_ he respects me, and he knows that I'd feel demeaned by such an action.'

Megatron was not convinced. 'Boy, this is indeed where he and I differ. He lets you do whatever you want without consequence.'

'You- you made that a very negative thing!' Sam cried. 'I- as a _person_, as an individual- would be totally depressed if I had _that_ put on me. That's the problem! You see me as an _insect_ or whatever, not an individual. Just as _you_ are an individual with rights and stuff, so am I! You wouldn't do this to another Transformer!'

The lack of reply from the mech was disconcerting.

Sam's voice nearly disappeared. '_Please_ tell me you haven't done this to another Transformer.'

'At least _now_ you can see that this isn't done condescendingly, and it isn't just because you're a puny flesh creature.'

'_Megatron_!' Sam wailed. 'Please!'

'Stop it, boy. Wide-eyed pleas will not work. Are you finished?'

'Woarhghh,' the human tried again, trying to wriggle away. '_No_. Alright. If you put _that_ on me, you are reducing me to a pet. We- we discussed being your pet once before, right?'

Megatron was listening, thank _God._

_'_And I remember I didn't want to be your pet!_' _Sam continued frantically. 'I know you remember it too!'

'Objection,' Megatron interjected. 'You never stated that. I shall refresh your memory.' Sam's desperate shout was startlingly and suddenly projected from the alien. '_I'm never giving you this Allspark!_'

'Oh, that's just embarrassing-! My voice cracked right in the middle.' Sam thought for a moment. 'Why the hell do you even have a recording of that?'

'You did not definitively state that you did not wish to be my pet.'

'Well, I _don't. _Is that good enough?'

'Why not, boy?'

'_Why_ **_not?_**' Sam shrieked. 'Because you're a tyrannical murderer!'

'I have _never _murdered anybody who didn't deserve it in some shape or form,' Megatron justified.

'You probably think a good reason is because somebody left your PopTart in the toaster for a second too long! You're _insane_. Crazy. Psycho. If you _dare_ put that collar on me, I refuse to speak to you.'

'...For how long?'

'For as long as I _live_.'

Megatron thought about it.

'I'll talk to the others! Just not to _you_,' Sam continued furiously. 'We- we'll have awesome conversations!'

'Then I have a solution,' Megatron declared. 'And there will be no further argument.'

'Depends,' the human retorted.

'If you must protest so much about it, I assume that your problem lies in it being around your neck,' the Decepticon deduced, pointing at Sam's arm. 'Instead, we shall put it _here_.'

'No.'

'It is going somewhere.'

'What is the _point_? Listen, listen. When would this be for- like, being out? Really, look at me. **_Look_**,' Sam demanded.

Megatron's optics compliantly flicked up and down Sam's body.

The human didn't quite manage to repress a shiver. 'Do you think there's any possible chance of me outrunning you?'

'You escaped previously,' the Decepticon justified.

'Because of the **_Autobots_**!' Sam nearly shouted. 'Besides, how would it even work? You got a giant leash, genius?'

'I have better. This will electrocute you if you are at too extreme a distance.'

Sam didn't even know how to respond.

'Ever noticed the differences in our leg sizes?'

'Rather.'

'So I'm at an immediate disadvantage.'

'Don't worry yourself, boy. Ravage will take good care of you.'

'Ravage.'

Megatron blinked in affirmation.

'Ravage being the... dog?'

'Kitty.'

'_Panther_,' Soundwave interjected, waving a tendril into the room before he slid in.

'Shut up!' Sam shouted furiously. 'You are not _involved_ in this dispute!'

'The boy wants me to himself,' Megatron deduced. 'Do shut up.'

Soundwave waved a tendril over his faceplate in a gesture of muteness.

Megatron narrowed his optics, and from what Sam could see, the two mechs seemed to be engaging in silent conversation.

That was fine.

They could do that.

Just cut off the actual argument mid-flow, no problem at all.

If Megatron wasn't able to remember what they had been fighting about, too bad.

Sam wasn't going to remind him.

_Electrocution, indeed. _

'Booooooy?' Megatron attempted to distract Sam from his thoughts.

The teenager decided to make a stand.

He was fed up of being bullied and discriminated against, and he would make his point.

Silence was the answer.

'Boy, how does electrocution sound for you?'

_Painful_, Sam's snarky mind remarked. _And unnecessary. Unnecessarily painful. Would I turn out like Ash Ketchum when he gets shocked by Pikachu? Hair on end, smouldering, twitching? _

However, Megatron clearly wanted a verbal response- he jabbed Sam with the end of a claw.

Pained, Sam's left cheek immediately screwed up into itself, but he gritted his teeth defiantly, refusing to make any noise. The voice in his head was fairly vocal, however, screaming at what surely felt like a stab wound.

'BOY!'

Sam gestured rudely and turned his back.

Megatron glanced over to Soundwave. The Communications Officer rolled a tentacle encouragingly.

'Boy?'

Sam kept up his cold silence.

'It won't be too harsh an electrocution.' Megatron attempted to appease him.

'You think cutting my _skull_ open is delicate,' Sam snapped, head whirling back to glare efficiently. Well, the metallic idiot had to be informed of what was happening, else he'd continue trying to ruin the silence. 'You have no concept of anything, and I'm not talking to you anymore.'

Megatron considered this for a moment.

Clearly his appeal had done no good; Sam felt a cold snap of metal around his upper arm- some sort of band.

'I will take my chances.'

Sam curled up into a small, Sam-shaped ball. He'd damn well sulk and angst whenever he wanted to.

Megatron clearly did not concur.

Sam found himself being (very painfully) uncurled; Megatron's claws were pulling at his folded limbs. 'Will you get off?' he ordered furiously, kicking at the Decepticon pathetically.

'Booooooooooooy-'

'You're insane.'

'Goody.'

'We're having ten seconds of silence,' Sam declared, pushing a claw away from his face.

'We most certainly are _not_,' Megatron disagreed. 'We are speaking.'

'Ten seconds,' Sam repeated firmly.

'What does this prove?' the mech demanded.

Sam held up his hands and shook his head slightly.

Megatron moved his claws away with a petulant growl.

Sam glared as the sound continued- and then finally could stand it no more and gestured for time-out.

The growl deepened (if that were even possible).

'What is wrong with you?' Sam asked irritably. 'Silence means silence!'

'_You_ are breaking the silence now,' Megatron frowned.

'**_T!_**' Sam shouted, slamming the fingertips of one hand into the palm of the other. 'T-shape! _Time-out_!'

Megatron was faintly puzzled. 'You are still speaking.'

'Fine! We'll start again! Now-' Sam jabbed a finger at the alien- 'no noises. Silence.'

One second.

Two seconds.

Three sec-

Megatron snarled.

'You- you are _incapable_.' Sam offered wearily.

'Silence bores me.'

'Silence- silence doesn't have to be boring!'

'I do not tolerate silence.'

'Have you never watched those movies?' Sam tried desperately. 'Silence can be creepy, horror-inducing, tension-building-'

Megatron's optics narrowed.

'I see that you still induce fear!' the human cried. The words tumbled out faster and faster until there was hardly a pause between them at all. 'I- I wasn't suggesting that you didn't- or that you weren't scary- or creepy, or incapable of striking horror into everyone- you're a pro, you've got it down, nice knack for it- and if you have your own style about it, who am I to try and- try and change it? Just do what you want to do, what feels right- ride like the _wind-_!'

Megatron was simply watching him. With the realisation, Sam began to worry.

'Say, uh, why don't I just go this way and you can stay over thisway and continue with your _honed evil intensity_. Sounds good? Yes, very very good, I _know_, so here I go-' he began shuffling backwards, '-see how fun this is? You can stay there and be evil- glare at that empty space like you mean it, grr, be evil _thee-ere, _and I'll run away and-'

The giant mech stabbed a claw at his open jacket, pinning him to the surface.

'NOOOO,' Sam wailed, 'not my jacket! My mother will-'

Another claw snapped down on his other side.

'Now you _invite _her wrath-!' he exclaimed, staring madly at the material and praying it hadn't ripped.

A short and sharp snarl snapped out from the Decepticon.

Sam's vocal chords wrapped around themselves- his mind was regurgitating a torrent of words but he could no more protest futilely than cry out in terror.

A strangled _guhk_ was all that could be forced out. Then he was frozen, staring dumbly at the giant being.

'Your continuous spewing from your vocal capacitors is a cause for concern.' Megatron finally broke the silence. 'It both astonishes and intrigues me. How thrilling.'

'J-jacket?' Sam stammered miserably, the word stumbling from his lips.

'No. I rather like pinning you down.'

Sam attempted to heave a claw up. 'This isn't fair!'

'But I enjoy it, boy. It is rather amusing and faintly therapeutic, unlike pinning down minions or enemies, which is simply exhilaratingly- and most satisfyingly my right.'

'Oh, I see!' Sam cried, flailing a leg back, knee to his chest, then flung it at a claw. Quite what he was hoping for, he didn't know. 'So answer me_ this_, tough guy- if I'm not a minion or an enemy, what am I?'

'Is this a riddle?' Megatron queried after a pause. 'These are not my sort of thing.'

'Forget iii-itt,' Sam groaned. 'Why did you even want the leash anyway?'

'So you don't get _lost_,' Megatron reaffirmed.

'I am less likely to get lost in a store than you are. You wouldn't even be in there _anyway_, you're too big!'

Sam was sure that Megatron winked- but that was impossible. Decepticons did not wink.

Right?

* * *

Two hours later, he was skulking in Walmart's cereal aisle, trying to formulate an escape plan.

He had managed to 'lose' the Decepticons (so far), who were currently flying around above the building somewhere (there had been no sight of them, so he assumed they weren't tearing the place apart yet. They weren't the most inconspicuous types).

However, he had told them he wouldn't be over ten minutes, but twenty minutes of inspecting nutrition labels had gone surprisingly quickly. It wouldn't be long before they did something drastic. Like electrocute him.

He had to think of something quickly. Was there a chance he could get a phone and call the Autobots?

He hurled the cereal box he was holding to the floor in a temper. It bounced; most unsatisfying. Why was life so cruel?

He snapped back to the present to see a small boy looking at him curiously.

Some random child had wandered up to him? God, Sam didn't need this. 'Hey, kid- just go and find your mom or dad, alright? You shouldn't be running off-'

The child was staring at him.

'Daad-?' it suddenly sang, almost questioningly.

'Yes, your dad. Can't be far away- just wander out of the aisle-' Sam ushered at him desperately.

'What's a dad? Is that like a father?'

'Eh?' Sam took a closer look at the small boy- he was maybe seven, eight, ten- hell, why not fifteen or sixty; Sam had never been good with ages. The child was red-headed, tousled-looking and cute. Very cute.

'Hell, I'm with the _bran flakes_! What kind of kid likes _bran flakes?_' Sam nearly shouted.

'Dad,' the child muttered, almost as if he was testing the word. 'I like it. Dad.'

Sam was about to just _leave _the weird boy there and find a new hiding place when three men startlingly appeared in front of him. And damn, they were smouldering. It hurt Sam's teenage pride to admit it, but he finally knew that what Mikaela had pressed him to confess near on every time she saw a 'hot guy' was true.

'I am a male,' he finally admitted, at last repeating what she had said to him on many an occasion, 'and I _can_ say that other men are good-looking without being gay.' He paused to let the revelation sink in. 'Gah!' Sam cried, spinning in the opposite direction. Their attractiveness hurt. 'What is this, beauty contest in the muesli section? I'm going to relocate my ugly self to the detergents!'

'Hello, _boy_.'

He froze. Then turned.

Upon further inspection, they weren't quite normal.

It wasn't that they were deformed or the wrong colour or anything (Sam was slightly thankful that they weren't silver or bronze coloured)- they were just perfect to look at. Too perfect.

The one in the middle had to be Megatron. Imposing build, threatening expression and overall demeanour, and if that didn't give it away, the silver hair might. It wasn't grey, it wasn't white. It literally _was_ silver.

Sam moved his head from side to side slightly to check if it changed shade or shone or something.

It didn't.

So who was on the left?

He was taller than Megatron, with reflective glasses and with hair so dark it seeme- the child had run up to him and started bouncing on the spot.

'I _found_ him, Dad!'

'Screw me _sideways_,' Sam breathed. 'Soundwave?'

'Sideways: dead,' the dark-haired man intoned. 'Impossible.'

Sam tried not to think about whatever it was he had unknowingly said, and glanced at the remaining 'human'.

Broad shoulders, dirty-blonde, athletic figure, tossing and catching a shiny apple without even looking, faintly arrogant air- he probably knew he was divinely gorgeous, the scum- _God_ knows who it was, but he could barely tear his eyes away.

Perhaps this was how girls felt over that Edward Cullen vampire person thing.

But freakily enough, no matter how different they looked, they were all so real- and depressingly handsome.

'I'm not **_gay_**_!_' Sam unintentionally shouted, feeling the need to reassure himself.

..._Luckily_ nobody human seemed to have heard.

'I am!' somebody roared from a couple of aisles down. 'What section you in?'

Oh, hello to his good friend _cringing humiliation_.

The three 'adults' exchanged glances. The unidentified one shrugged nonchalantly, and Megatron and Soundwave seemed fairly worried.

'Boy?'

'I, uh- I'm not pleased about this! I'm not gay with delight about any of this!' Sam hurriedly smoothed, shouting so that everybody close by would be reassured.

'Irrelevant,' Soundwave stated.

'This is ridiculous,' Sam hissed, muscles tensing. 'Leave me alone. I don't want you here!'

'If you even shuffle so much as_ one step_ in the other direction, I will hurl this apple at you at a speed likely to break your bones.'

Well, one question answered: the figure on the end had to be Starscream.

'Look, let's talk this through,' Sam suggested, brandishing a packet he had picked up earlier. 'Over a cookie?'

'I have a different proposition,' Megatron replied- and instantly Sam's stomach fell. The tone wasn't one you were allowed to argue with. 'It is _you_ coming with us immediately. You have spent long enough doing nothing. It is clear that you are not interested in-' He glanced at the shelves. '-**_Frosties_**.'

'I like Frosties,' Sam scowled.

Megatron was off on one of his mind-wanderings again. 'Frost. C-'

'Oh, Go-ooood,' the teenager gestured wildly. 'Back to the present! What if I don't go?'

The Decepticon snapped back to reality, evidently quite pleased to remind Sam who was in control. 'Ravage tests his holoform.'

'Ravage; dangerous,' Soundwave added. 'Holoforms; hard to control.'

'For idiots,' Starscream sniped, currently intertwining both hands' fingers and stretching his arms out before him.

'Not everybody has enough processor space for such trivial things,' Megatron retorted witheringly.

'Clearly not everybody has a processor as brilliant as mine,' Starscream smugly replied. He had obviously been waiting for such a line.

Megatron's hand snapped up to grab Starscream's ear- the other Decepticon shrieked in pain as it was twisted.

'I'm sorry!'

'I thought you would be.'

'Let go-oo?' Starscream begged, eyes filling with uninvited tears.

'How about I rip this _off_?' Megatron snarled, giving the ear a cruel tug.

'How-about-please-_don't_?'

'Give me a _very_ good reason.'

'Because it would _hurt_,' Starscream whimpered. 'And because-'

'But it wouldn't be permanent damage to _yourself_, would it.'

'Does anything change?' Sam dumbly asked, transfixed by the scene even as Soundwave took his arm.

'Soundwave has suffered many millennia of this.'

'But Megatron wasn't even around for a lot of it- he was on _Earth._'

'_Millennia,_' Soundwave repeated firmly.

'Decepticons aren't supposed to be having squabbles by _Frosties_,' Sam half-heartedly complained. 'I- I just want to be normal. Right now I want to be the guy the next aisle down who can just hear two idiots snapping at each other and think: 'Save it for the bedroom'. I don't want to think 'Oh, that'll be the Fallen and Barricade disputing which cereal to buy'.'

'The Fallen; dead,' Soundwave gently reminded.

'Just- just an example.' The human fell silent.

Soundwave (who seemed to want to bring him out of his depression) gestured at the red-headed child. 'Boy, this is Rumble.'

The child grinned mischievously. 'Can we wrestle?'

'You'd beat me,' Sam replied witheringly.

'Using simple human terminology, Rumble: son,' Soundwave continued.

'You- you've seen quite a few Decepticons, right?' Rumble suddenly asked- and if the Transformers had full awareness and control over their expressions, Sam would say the boy was nervous- and sick.

This seemed an odd question. 'Not that many.'

Soundwave shook his head firmly.

Rumble fell quiet, then mumbled. 'I know he was on Earth and that you came into contact with a lot of us. I just want to know how he is. Or- or even if he's dead. If I knew he was dead, I might feel better because then I'd know he wasn't suffering.'

Confused, Sam's mind unwittingly returned him to the horror of Sector Seven torturing his 'bee. He closed his eyes tightly, unwilling to imagine any type of Cybertronian suffering the same agony.

'You- you ever felt that way?' Rumble asked. 'You ever missed someone so bad that you feel sick? I feel it right now, deep in here.' A small hand pressed against Sam's stomach briefly, then pointed upwards at his chest. 'And t_here_, in my spark.'

'Heart, Rumble.' Soundwave interjected quietly. 'Sam has a heart.'

'But isn't it the same thing?'

'Cannot say,' the adult answered. 'Can only judge from one perspective.'

'Worst part is he might still be alive,' Rumble whispered, eyes locked on Sam's. 'They- they blocked out the Allspark and Lord Megatron from detection. I- I can't even tell if my own brother is _alive-_'

'Stop, Rumble.' Soundwave wrapped an arm around the child's shoulders. Rumble buried his head in his father's coat, then turned back to a speechless Sam once more.

'D-do you know anything?' Rumble begged. 'It would almost be a relief to know- to know that he was dead.'

Sam swallowed hard and tried not to think of anything.

He was only identifying with them because they looked human, for God's sake.

The Decepticons were evil. They didn't have families and they certainly didn't love, and they did not mourn or pine.

'Frenzy is Rumble's twin,' Soundwave divulged softly. 'Appearance: very small, silver, blue optics. ...Please?'

Sam had inspiration._ '_He was with... Barricade?'

It was almost painful to look at their faces. It was easier to look at Soundwave's covered eyes; you couldn't see the excruciating hope.

Sam continued the line of thought-

Oh _no_. Mikaela had hacked him up with a saw, and he'd even gone and kicked the head like a piece of trash.

How did you tell a father and a brother that you'd ganged up on and killed-

No, wait!

He'd seen Frenzy's head somewhere. Something niggled at the back of his mind.

_'_Boy?_' _Soundwave gently pressed.

_Simmons_.

The ex-agent had eagerly explained to Leo where the head had come from; some kind of giant battle with fire and shruikans and being outnumbered, outgunned and ready to sacrifice himself for the good of man when he had managed to defeat the enemy.

Frenzy's head was in Simmons' meat locker.

Oh hell, how could he tell them?

Megatron strode over at that very moment, a squirming Starscream tucked neatly under one arm. 'Well, boy? Are you coming quietly?'

Sam licked his lips nervously, trying to think of an answer that would tell Soundwave that he hadn't just been ignored-

Something nudged gently at him, mentally.

_Now I'm a nutcase,_ Sam thought giddily. _Insanity does run in the Witwicky genes._

The hysteria was broken as what could only be described as _Soundwave _entered his mind.

_'_Oh _hell!' _Sam shouted, hands pressing against his ears and bending over slightly. 'Tentacles!'

Megatron was affronted. 'Is it _that_ hard a question?'

Soundwave was urgent. _Boy, answer query. Do you know?_

'Y-yes?' the human wavered.

This seemed to satisfy Megatron, who had still been waiting on his question to be answered. 'Then move.'

_Query, boy: will you help?_

'If I can,' Sam replied miserably.

'If you-' Megatron's patience had been used up for the day- a hand snapped out and took Sam's arm tightly (with a grip stronger than- well, anything Earthly) before striding off. 'We are _going_.'

Cringing in pain, Sam offered no resistance, almost trotting to keep up with the pace.

Starscream was snarling angrily from Megaton's other side. 'Put me _down_!'

'NO!' Megatron bellowed, seeing several concerned people watching. 'You aren't getting _any_ candy!'

Some knowledgeable parents nodded wisely, glancing at their own staring offspring.

'Don't make a scene, brat!' Megatron continued loudly.

'I'm not the brat,' Sam hastily called out to the bystanders. 'I'm just- just the good son!'

'_Son_?' Megatron hissed.

'No **_normal_** human carries another of no relation- especially under their _arm_ whilst dragging another along, _Megatron_,' Sam snapped.

They were nearing the checkout now. Hopefully they'd just go past without a fuss-

'Put me down _now!_' Starscream shrieked, wriggling manically.

'He acts like he's five,' Megatron commented with a dashing smile to the checkout girl.

She nearly fainted.

'He's incredibly dense,' Sam added. 'Very good looking, but that's it.'

'SOUNDWAVE!' Megatron roared suddenly. 'Get the boy some _FOOD!_'

'In fact,' the human continued venomously, 'they're all dense. Runs in the family. If they've got the looks, they're just really, _really_ dumb.'

Megatron released Sam's arm momentarily to cuff him soundly.

'Oaahhhhhh!' Sam groaned, other hand massaging his head. 'Why would you _do _that?'

'So which are you?' the girl asked.

'Eh?' Sam grunted embarrassingly.

'You don't seem dumb,' she elaborated shyly, 'and you're just as nice as the rest of them.'

Sam's cheeks blossomed into giant balls of flame, and he could only stammer, his mouth opening and closing mutely.

Megatron was side-glancing him incredulously.

Sam suddenly managed to get his vocal chords to obey him. 'Got to go!' he roared, voice startlingly loud, attempting to charge towards the exit.

However, his arm didn't follow the rest of his body due to it being held back by Megatron.

Sam's lower limbs slowly backpedalled underneath his torso.

'I have it!' Megatron suddenly announced.

'Oh God,' the teenager prayed. 'God, I never prayed much before but please help me now. I swear I'll be a better man.'

'SOUNDWAVE-!' the Decepticon Commander bellowed. 'The boy needs a mate!'

'Soundwave; currently overwhelmed by choice of cereal,' the other mech wailed back.

'Ooooh!' Sam cried, seizing his chance. 'Fruit Loops! Get me something sugary!'

Starscream punched at Megatron's chest. 'As if _you_ need something sugary, you hyperactive-'

Enraged at this notion that he would be deprived of sugar, Sam hit the Seeker in the face hurriedly. 'Stop ruining my life!'

There was a moment of shocked silence.

Starscream sneezed, and Megatron twitched.

'Stop that noise, you fool.'

'He punched me in the face!' Starscream shrieked indignantly.

'Don't be an idiot,' Megatron snapped witheringly.

'Didn't you _see_?' the other Decepticon wailed, trying to hold his nose.

'I was glaring at the ceiling,' the Commander snarled. 'Of course I didn't see something that didn't happen, you-'

'He _did_!' Starscream accused, pointing unhappily.

'The boy is incapable of violence,' Megatron reminded him. 'Besides, as if it would hurt you. Are you or are you not second in command of the most dangerous army in existence?'

Starscream grumbled an affirmative.

'Then do not make such unmechly noises as that retarded nose and mouth snort-wheeze.'

'...Sneeze?' Sam offered.

'That's what I said, boy. Snort-wheeze.'

* * *

**Poor Starscream. LOL JK, who doesn't like abusing him?**

**Yeaaaaaaasssssss, that was nearly some sadness with Frenzy earlier in this chapter. Shock. xO And I will actually be going somewhere with that storyline too; Soundwave and Rumble will return!**

**Till next time, in _which the boy is given inappropriate food and Ravage may finally get out! ;D_**

**PS. My line breaks may have gone a little dodgy. Please forgive this, good people. I shall try to RECTify it as soon as possible. (LOL, injokes with the WTTTOROTF crowd. I'm so immature today.)**_  
_


	5. At Least A Sandwich Has Appeared

**Yo, everyone! I have written this chapter in less than two days, and thus I feel it is oddly styled. No matter, it's out with you all now.**

**Hope you enjoy! ;D**

**Look out, everybody; there might be hidden meanings and subtleties all around this place- well, if you want to find them.**

* * *

Sam was going to rant. He was fed up of this. _This _being the Decepticons. _This _being their irritating, menacing mannerisms and their brute physicality and their sneaky, snide remarks- and their tentacles. _This _being the way that he was treated- like some kind of pet. Oh, there was no way of avoiding the rant. However, whilst fuming in Starscream's cockpit, he decided that (for Megatron's sake) he wouldn't rant at the commander whilst others were around.

Megatron did _not_ like being 'usurped'- not that this made much difference to Sam, who couldn't particularly care less- what exactly could the Decepticons do to him?- but, damn his upbringing, he felt it would be _rude_ to verbally assault his host in public.

So, he waited.

It may have been his imagination, or it may have been that Starscream was unusually quiet on the journey back to the base.

Not that he cared.

Soundwave had made a vague declaration that he had something that needed to be done up in space, and had promptly disappeared.

They could all go to hell.

The venture back took _forever,_ but as soon as they had landed (for once, Starscream had actually landed _properly_ like a real plane), Sam flung himself out of the opening cockpit without a word.

Megatron himself was thudding heavily to the ground some metres away.

At the very sight of him, Sam felt himself growing angry. He turned away and stormed into the base-

In the ideal world, he would have.

Clearly, Earth was not Sam's ideal world.

The door was shut- and, Sam realised, if it was one of those damned motion-sensor contraptions, he'd never be able to activate it by himself. It was the human equivalent of an automatic door being assaulted by a wombat.

Sam flung himself at the door, wiggling his arms in the air as vividly as he could, and leapt about before it.

'Boy?' Megatron was approaching.

Sam swallowed a large insult and kicked the door viciously.

'Starscream, have you upset the boy?' the commander demanded. Obviously, even _he_ could tell that Sam wasn't particularly pleased.

'I haven't said anything,' the Seeker answered, sounding miserable.

'Did you _ignore_ him, then?'

'No!' There was a slight, nervous pause in dialogue. 'Lord Megatron,' Starscream continued hesitantly, 'may I be so bold as to ask you something?'

'You just _did_,' Megatron pointed out.

'Heh,' Starscream laughed tensely. 'Perhaps a more apt utterance would be 'to discuss something with you'.'

'Get on with it,' Megatron ordered. 'I don't have time for this stalling.'

Sam _felt_ the Second in Command glance at him- and that was just enough.

He whirled around. 'Will _somebody _open this door-!'

'One moment, boy.' Megatron was looking at Starscream curiously.

Sam's eyes snapped to the other Decepticon- he was visibly cringing. If ever someone had looked guilty of- oh, say murdering fifty adorable puppies, it was Starscream at that moment.

'Did you kill Mojo?' Sam snapped before his mouth-brain filter started working.

Starscream's wings fluttered briefly. 'Isn't Mojo an abstract noun? How can something abstract be killed?'

'Fine, _have_ your conversation!' Sam howled, unable to bring himself to explain. 'Just be quick about it!'

Starscream fidgeted.

'Ah,' Megatron realised. 'Boy, we're going to talk over your head in another language.'

Sam shrugged.

The Decepticons glanced at each other.

'Are you all right, boy?'

Sam walked off in the opposite direction, heading into the forest immediately beside the base.

'Boy, stop this moment!' Megatron ordered.

Exactly what right did Megatron have to give him commands?

Sam kept walking, ducking slightly under a low branch.

'Boy,' Megatron urgently called, 'if you go much farther, your band will activate-'

Sod the band.

It could electrocute and kill him all it liked, he was walking away from this place. Back to normality, back to his family, back to his Autobots.

There was a growl of frustration from somewhere behind him.

Sam decided to ignore it; it wasn't part of his life anymore- wait, take that back, it never had been. At least, he had never wanted it to be.

There was a lot of smashing and crashing of vegetation going on as Megatron trampled after him, but he refused to look around.

'Boooooooooyy,' the Decepticon nearly howled, 'come back!'

'I would like to be electrocuted,' Sam declared loudly. 'Stop following me.'

'But I don't _want_ you to be electrocuted,' Megatron announced petulantly.

'Oh, _that's_ a surprise,' Sam cried, breaking into a hysteric giggle. 'Really, it is- I mean, I don't know why I'd ever get the impression that you wanted to kill me or anything, it's not like you actually _personally _snapped the electrocution-y thing _onto _me, is it?'

A large silver appendage suddenly blocked his path.

Furiously, Sam wheeled around, and was about to storm in another direction when Megatron actually plonked himself down on the floor next to him, pushing several trees over so he could sit comfortably.

'Boy, are you trying to leave?'

'Noooo,' Sam replied witheringly, cringing slightly as the trees smashed into the earth with a deafening crash, lifting slightly as upon impact and then sinking into stillness.

'Oh.' Megatron sounded confused. 'That's good, then.'

'Of course I'm trying to leave, you nutter!'

'But you just said-'

'Sarcasm!' Sam roared, voice suddenly cracking and leaving him coughing.

Megatron frowned. 'But if the rules of sarcasm are applied to your utterance, it would mean that you want to leave.'

'Genius, aren't you. Utter genius.'

'But I don't understand,' the Decepticon replied, bewildered.

'Listen to me,' Sam commanded. 'I am going to tell you something. It is the truth.' He waited a moment to ensure that he had the Cybertronian's attention. He did. 'I want to see the people I care about, and- I want to go home. I want to see my dog and my parents. I want to see Bumblebee and Optimus.'

Megatron growled.

'I don't care what you think!' Sam cried. 'I hate you!'

'I don't hate you,' Megatron offered.

'Oh, that makes everything just super,' Sam sniped. 'I'll stay just because _you _don't hate me. That makes my puny existence worthwhile.' Sweet God, what had he said to somebody who didn't understand sarcasm? He hurriedly continued, unable to refrain from snapping. 'You would like to exterminate mankind. Of course you hate me. You think we're all worthless insects.'

Megatron looked slightly pensive before he spoke. 'But you are different, boy.'

'I'm _human_,' Sam revealed loudly. Perhaps the Decepticon would work it out in a minute. Then again, that might not be such a good thing- he might decide to squash the bug then and there.

'Boy, you misunderstand.'

Sam scowled. 'No, _you_ just can't understand. Perhaps Starscream could translate for me again.' He looked around for the other mech, but he wasn't visible.

Megatron snarled. 'No.'

'I've told you,' Sam snapped. 'I don't care what you think. This isn't about you.'

'Starscream is _my_ soldier,' Megatron replied with a sudden smugness, 'and I will order him to stay away from you.'

'What has any of this got to do with Starscream?' Sam asked, bewildered by the sudden announcement.

Megatron refused to reply.

'You are deranged, crazy, without marbles! Why the hell can't I-' Sam stopped suddenly. 'I'll talk to who I want.'

'No.'

'You can't stop me.'

'That sounds reminiscent of a challenge,' Megatron mused.

Sam was abruptly snatched into the air by the jacket as the Decepticon heaved himself to his pedes and began trekking back to the base.

'Put me _down_!' the human shouted, very unhappy with his whole body swinging around unsafely thirty-plus foot above the ground.

'Perhaps you are feeling hormonal,' Megatron worried. 'This could explain your volatile behaviour.'

Sam refused to talk again. What was the point, anyway?

He barely noticed anything for a while- hardly noticed that he had even been placed gently in his- no, _the_ cage.

'Ah!' Megatron suddenly snapped a claw or two. 'Food. You were hungry, weren't you, boy-! Curses. Soundwave had your sustenance. Not to worry, boy. I shall send somebody out for you.'

Sam curled up and tried to go to sleep.

He must have actually managed to get some; the next thing he knew, a large black mech was staring at him.

Sam wearily raised his eyes to see what the Decepticon was holding. 'You can't possibly be_ this_ dense.'

Blackout continued staring.

'That isn't _food_,' the human tried to explain. 'It's a-a model of food designed to attract customers-'

Blackout snapped off a corner of the giant plastic ice-cream and held it out to him.

'Look, appreciated- but it isn't edible!'

Blackout clearly didn't understand, instead raising the offering to his own mouth area, clearly indicating that that is what Sam should do.

'I _know_ how to eat.'

Blackout held it back out to him.

Sam tried to smother himself with the cushion again, then reemerged a moment later, looking slightly flustered. 'Blackout, right?'

Blackout gave a slight inclination of his helm.

'Listen to me,' Sam began. 'Can you find me Starscream? It's very important. I'm very likely to die- _offline_ if I don't get to speak to him.'

Blackout disappeared.

Sam wasn't sure if his plea had gone heard or not, but it had been worth a try.

Slowly, he rolled onto his back again and regarded the bars of his cage, trying to ignore the hideous pain in his empty stomach. How jolly it was to look through bars of cages, he thought. So jolly.

Fifty minutes later, Starscream crept into the room, looking even more nervous than he had before.

'Finally!' Sam sighed.

The Seeker's optics glanced about the room agitatedly as he neared the cage before finally settling on the human.

'Is Megatron around?'

'Do you think I would _be_ here if he were?' Starscream hissed wretchedly.

'Look, y'have to help me. I really am starving to death.'

'Obviously,' Starscream snapped. 'But there's nothing I can do. He has forbidden me to even _look_ in your direction.'

'So why are you here?' Sam asked, confused.

'If you die, who do you think will suffer?' Starscream answered cryptically.

'Me, I suppose,' Sam shrugged. 'And my family. And my friends.'

The Seeker sighed heavily before his helm suddenly snapped around and tilted slightly.

Sam recognised the movement. 'You're like Mojo. Mojo does that when he's listening.'

Starscream clicked miserably to himself before shaking his helm. 'I can't help you.'

'So you're just going to let me die?' Sam wailed. 'You know that everybody else around here is slightly slow when it comes to humans!'

'Don't blame _me_ for this.' Starscream growled quietly.

'What should I expect?' Sam laughed to himself, turning away and flopping onto his side. 'It isn't like you care about somebody dying. Sorry- guess I just forgot that you're all cold-hearted killers. You better scram before your _master _comes back and finds you disobeying his orders.'

He wasn't quite sure if he slept again or if he had passed out this time.

Sam winced upon consciousness and the desperate clawing within his stomach, sitting up stiffly and clutching his abdomen with one hand as if this would ease the pain somehow.

He nearly missed the small object resting next to him on the cushion- or thought he was hallucinating, at any rate.

What else would a sandwich be doing, teasing him so cruelly?

He reached out to pat it mildly-

Apparently, hallucinations were rather vivid. Sam never knew that when you hallucinated, you could actually touch the things your imagination conjured.

Heck, why not eat it?

Shrugging, he picked the sandwich up and took a large bite.

Apparently his imagination liked chicken.

Not that Sam was complaining.

He chewed ferociously, savouring the glorious sensation of food in his mouth, then swallowed- it was painful to note that he could feel the food moving down his empty digestive system into his stomach. It was only when it actually _reached_ said organ that Sam realised that the sandwich was, in fact, real. Where the sandwich came from, he didn't know- but that could be worked out later.

He nommed his way through the sublime gift voraciously- it was gone far too soon, but it had done its duty.

The human let a contended sigh waver out of his mouth before hauling himself to his feet. Now what, exactly?

It turned out absolutely nothing for the next two hours- at which point, Megatron appeared.

He seemed to burst into a radiant beam when he saw Sam. 'Boy, you look alive again! I presume that you finished your angsting?'

'What? No, no,' Sam explained well. 'I was all ready for dying, you know, termination and everything, it was all good, I just wish I got to say goodbye to everyone- but hey, that's all good because I'm not dead anymore- or dying, so great?'

Megatron listened patiently. 'But you chose not to terminate?'

Sam nearly snorted. 'Humans can't choose _not_ to terminate, weirdo. I got some food- someone got me some food.'

Megatron frowned as he attempted to recall what food was. He seemed on the verge of shouting something, then stopped himself and frowned further before suddenly brightening. 'I _see_, boy.'

'Do you?'

'Very well. Better than you, naturally.' Megatron thought a little more. 'What exactly _did _you eat, boy?'

It was truly bizarre that Sam could genuinely feel the hairs on the back of his neck rising as he sensed some covert danger. 'Something nourishing, healthy?'

'Hm,' Megatron replied. 'Who gave it to you?'

'Aooargh,' Sam groaned, trying to gain some time to think- _pointless_, sensible Sam declared, _you can't outsmart him._ 'It was just _the-ere_.'

Swiftly, the teenager's cage was opened and he was plucked out by the jacket again.

'Do you mind?' he nearly shrieked, quickly hauling himself up onto a claw. 'Do you know how scary that is?'

'I do apologise, boy. I had thought that you had faced worse perils.' Megatron poked him a little until he was almost steadily balanced, already striding down the corridor at a speedy pace.

'Where are you taking me now?' Sam demanded.

Megatron burst into (Sam's memory worked hard for the recollection of the name) the rec. room, startling several of the mechs within.

_What idiots,_ cynical Sam laughed._ Surely they're used to the sudden drama by now?_

Genius Sam rolled his eyes. _How can you become accustomed to something sudden?_

_Shut up,_ cynical Sam snapped.

_Don't pick on him! _brave Sam cried.

Sam himself tried to focus on the actual reality.

'Who gave the boy some food?' Megatron was asking pleasantly.

Sam cringed. Something didn't sound right. 'It's a good thing, Megatron- it's not a bad thing- it's thanks to whoever it was that I'm actually still- still functioning-' He rapidly glanced around the room; from what he remembered, nearly everybody that he knew of seemed to be there.

Another door on the opposite side of the room was just opening, a wing poking through- it hastily recoiled, but too late.

'Starscream,' Megatron noticed brightly. 'Do come in.'

The Seeker's helm popped around the door. 'Afraid- afraid I can't. You told me I could not be in the same room as the boy.'

'Exception.'

'WOO,' somebody in the room roared.

Sam jumped, eyes snapping in their direction.

_Ah, _genius Sam remembered. _Skywarp._

Cynical Sam was wrinkling his nose. _What sort of Cybertronian says 'woo'?_

Starscream was of the same mind. 'Skywarp, you are an _embarrassment._'

The black Seeker bounded over to him. 'But I haven't seen you in so long!'

'Two orns,' Starscream hissed, trying to keep the volume of the conversation minimal. '_Two **orns-**!_'

'In which I have been driven nearly insane!' Thundercracker snapped, making his own slower way over. 'Do not leave me with him again!'

'Why shouldn't I?' Starscream demanded lowly. 'I was- _busy_.'

'Busy doing _what_?' the blue Seeker hissed.

'My own business,' Starscream answered. 'I trust you have been busy too.'

Thundercracker's wings flicked- the other mech instantly looked pleased.

'Busy, busy- can _we _come next time?' Skywarp shrieked. 'I love being busy!'

Thundercracker thwacked a taloned hand onto the top of the black Seeker's helm, shoving it downwards. 'It would be nice to spend some time with you.'

'Pleeaaaaaaaaaaaaaase, commander?' Skywarp begged from the ground, having crumpled there on his back like some retarded and massive adoring dog.

'_Get **up**_,' Starscream ordered fiercely, yet wearily.

'Have we quite finished?' Megatron interrupted with an icy rumble.

Starscream glanced over in his direction with a discreet kick at Skywarp. 'Of course.'

Thundercracker had a quiet snigger.

'Seekers,' Megatron grumbled to a staring Sam. 'For some reason, Primus cursed us with skilled incompetents.'

The commander then addressed all of his soldiers abruptly.

Sam tuned out, looking back over to Starscream- who surely must have provided the sandwich. Who else could it have been.

_'Thank you_,' he mouthed.

Starscream switched his optics to Skywarp. 'I don't know what you're referencing,' he declared loudly.

_'The foooooood,_' Sam desperately mimed, seeing the Seeker glance over again.

Skywarp leapt to his pedes, and both he and Thundercracker followed Starscream's gaze.

'Ooooh, _naughty_,' Skywarp giggled.

'Shut up, idiot. I don't know what either of you are talking about,' Starscream announced.

'I think you _do_,' Thundercracker pressed.

'I know I don't.'

'Do.'

'Don't.'

'Do too!' Skywarp squealed.

'You're such a femme!' Starscream shrieked. 'You're so _excitable_!'

'At least I tell the truth,' the black Seeker cackled. 'Unlike _some_.'

'Don't look at _me_ when you say that!' Thundercracker screeched.

'Why shouldn't I look at you? You lied this very orn! _You_ said you hadn't seen Starscream in ages _too_, and I _saw_ you speaking to him just an hour ago!'

'You must have been very mistaken,' Thundercracker hissed dangerously.

'_Very_,' Starscream snarled.

'You're _both_ liars!' Skywarp denounced. 'And-'

Starscream leapt at him, Thundercracker an astro-second afterwards. They all tumbled to the ground in a shrieking, screeching bundle of wings and talons and bendy legs.

'Liars!' Skywarp howled.

'Shut up!' Thundercracker wailed.

'You're keeping secrets from me!' the black mech managed to accuse as Starscream shrieked in rage.

'I wonder why, you loudmouth!'

Megatron paused in his speech, glancing over to the fight. 'See, boy. This is what happens when Seekers don't expend enough energy.'

'Are you serious?' Sam marvelled.

'Deadly.' The commander snarled loudly- the struggle abated somewhat.

'Ow,' Skywarp whimpered from the ground, Thundercracker currently bending one of his arms backwards.

Starscream, practically crouching on Skywarp's chassis, glowered over in Megatron's direction. '...My lord?'

'Will you _get off_ each other?'

There was much unruly snapping of fangs and growling, but they complied.

'Starscream,' Megatron cheerfully sighed, as he placed Sam on the floor, 'come here.'

The Seeker slunk over until he was directly before the other mech.

'Did you give the boy some food, Starscream?'

The smaller Decepticon looked straight at Megatron. 'No.'

'I see.'

'I am not lying.'

'Hm.'

'Search me if you will.'

'I may accept that challenge.' Megatron's optics narrowed infinitesimally, and the two pairs of both mechs met.

A hair-raising intensity that Sam could not place had arisen, bristling between the two. He backed away, diving past large pedes until he stumbled backwards over something, splatting onto his side.

'Argh!' he winced, pushing himself up whilst rubbing his hip ruefully.

There was a similar noise from above.

'Ahhh,' Skywarp was worrying, 'I hate it when he does this- he _knows_ he's just a moment away from being torn apart.'

'He knows that nobody else _will_,' Thundercracker commented morosely.

Sam frowned. 'What's that?'

The two imposing Seekers glanced down at him.

'Hello, boy!'

Thundercracker seemed to be frowning. 'I hope you're grateful, boy.'

'What?' Sam demanded. 'What are you talking about?'

'If Starscream gets his aft torn apart, it is because of _you_.'

'I didn't do anything! I'm sitting here, right _here_, and none of this is my fault!' Sam shouted indignantly.

There was a sudden lull in the mumbling conversations.

'Who is distressing the boy?' the commander's silky rumble asked as the Decepticons parted to allow him through- they all promptly disappeared, leaving only Sam, Megatron and the Seekers in the room.

Skywarp looked terrified as the tyrant approached. 'Oh _Pit_, Megatron will-'

'I'm not distressed!' Sam declared. 'I was just talking loudly to- to Thundercracker and Skywarp, two fine mechs!'

Megatron watched him carefully for a moment. 'I see. Then I have a solution to an issue earlier encountered. You two will look after the boy whilst I am busy.'

Skywarp shrieked. 'What an incredible responsibility, my liege!'

Thundercracker raised an optic ridge in acknowledgement.

'I must object,' Starscream complained. 'At what point am I supposed to train with my Seekers when they are guarding the creature I am prohibited from being near?'

'This is not my problem,' Megatron declared.

'You!' Sam shouted suddenly, pointing at Megatron. 'I have a bone to pick with you!'

'A _bone_?' Megatron asked, sounding disgusted. 'I did not know you liked bones, much less to pick at them. Are you sure that there is no other activity we could enjoy?'

'Expression!' Sam cried. 'It's an _expression_!'

'It is a smiley face?' Megatron asked curiously. 'Or a sad face? Or a repulsed- or even a manic look?'

Sam stared as the mech pulled his face into different expressions.

'The boy means that he wants to verbally assault you over something he found distasteful,' Starscream groaned.

Megatron growled quietly. 'Starscream, you will see me later.'

The Seeker glowered at the larger mech, but nodded.

'What is your problem, boy?'

'_You_ are my problem,' Sam announced. '_You_ are.'

'I suppose I am rather imposing,' Megatron beamed amiably.

'First off- I don't even want to be here. You are keeping me here against my will-'

'Naturally.'

Well, that point wasn't going anywhere.

'And then you come down on Walmart and terrorise me-'

Megatron was self-righteous. 'Boy, we were disguised.'

'Seriously- if your muscles had been any _bigger_ you could have been a _Dragonball Z_ character!' Sam snapped. 'It was rubbish! And the eyes- eyes aren't red!'

'Optics aren't _brown_,' Megatron sniped, jabbing at Sam's eye.

'I'm not a Cybertronian!' Sam howled.

The Decepticon had a sinister chuckle.

'What?' Sam demanded, slightly unnerved.

'I don't think I would want you to be, boy- you're _perfect _just as you are.'

'Look- I need to get out of here,' Sam declared. 'Get away, leave, a little vacation, somewhere without you lot looming over me threateningly or-'

Megatron plucked him into the air- instantly, Sam closed his eyes tightly with a slight wail, and he felt the villain move off somewhere.

_See? _Genius Sam smugly noted. _Why exactly shouldn't the Decepticons be surprised at Megatron's sudden actions when you haven't become accustomed to them either?_

Cynical Sam was busy sulking.

Sam's eyes snapped open as an unfamiliar rumbling assaulted his ears.

After his head stopped spinning at the sheer distance to the ground, he saw-

'That beast? What's it doing here?'

'Are you allergic to felines?'

'Bigmetalliconesyes,' Sam rushed. 'Oh, funny story? My mother once beat a cat with a bat for coming into our-'

Ravage caught sight of the human and reared onto his hind legs excitedly, mouth wide open.

'No, Ravage.' Megatron kicked him roughly, then strode to another door, which slid open- promptly blinding Sam with sunlight.

The human was dropped a little distance from the ground- as he collided with the floor, he thanked his lucky stars that he didn't fall over, only staggering slightly to keep his balance. He peered up at Megatron. 'Well?'

'Well?'

'Well, what now? Why am I _here_?' Sam span in a circle. He saw something disturbing midspin, but was twizzling too quickly to stop at that moment. When he completed the first revolution, he half-span again, dreading the sight.

Massive jaws were an inch from his nose, a gleaming muzzle thrusting itself towards him.

'Kitty is just smelling you, boy.' Megatron explained cheerfully. 'Kitty will look after you.'

'Dur-during what?' Sam nearly squeaked. 'Why? I don't need a cat- I don't like cats- cats are evil, vicious, unpredictable-!'

'I hate that beast,' Skywarp muttered, exiting the building. 'It's so- so sneaky.'

'Agreed,' Thundercracker grimaced.

Sam attempted to evaluate the 'kitty'. Yes, it wasn't as tall as him, but that didn't make it any less threatening or imposing.

Especially when it had menacing spikes and sharp, serrated protrusions rippling down its spine and waving tail.

'Nice kitty?' Sam warbled. 'More of a dog person myself-' His head snapped up to look at Megatron. 'You don't have a dog, right?'

'No,' Megatron admitted. 'Now _there's_ an idea-'

'NO!' Sam shrieked. 'No dog, no puppy, no wolf- Ravage- the kitty wouldn't like the dog!'

'See how thoughtful the boy is?' the commander demanded of Thundercracker and Skywarp.

'Undoubtedly!' Skywarp cried.

Thundercracker nodded furiously. 'Wholly.'

Megatron was satisfied with the responses. 'Now: run along, boy.'

'Wh-what?' Sam squeaked again.

'Ravage is in need of exercise, and you can take him on a stroll.'

The teenager regarded the panting creature with horrified eyes. 'But- but-'

'Don't _worry_,' Megatron enthused. 'If he attacks you, Skywarp and Thundercracker will save you from- well, being _ravaged_.' He had a small chortle to himself.

'I don't find you laughing at my possible death funny!' Sam shouted.

'Of course, it isn't remotely amusing.' Megatron stuffed a claw in his mouth, trying to stifle a giggle before he pointed at the Seekers. 'If anything happens to the boy I shall hold you two responsible. Jog on.'

And with that, he disappeared back into the base, no doubt to do something Megatron-ly.

Skywarp was fidgeting. 'Well, are we going?'

Thundercracker groaned. 'Oh lucky orn.'

Sam watched Ravage's fangs miserably.

'Boy,' the blue mech proposed, 'I suggest that you do not 'jog on', and in fact that you should be carried by one of us.'

'That- that would be great,' Sam stuttered. 'No real desire to be chewed up or ravaged or spat out or digested- or even played with-'

Thundercracker lifted him gently into the air, and Sam sat himself down on the mech's palm. 'Thanks-'

'_TEEEEEEEEEEEEEE_**_CEEEEEEEEE_**,' Skywarp howled, 'I WANT TO HOLD HIM!'

'N-noooo,' Sam whispered, hiding behind a talon.

'Definitely not.'

* * *

Bumblebee had given up again; he just couldn't shake the feeling deep within his spark that Sam needed him.

Hot Rod pranced about before the morose mech sat on the sand. 'Come on, 'bee! Liven up, _yeah!_'

He thrust his arms into the air and started dancing.

_Why_, Bumblebee wondered. _Just **why**_?

Hot Rod continued waving and jiggling.

'He won't be hurt,' Optimus sighed, settling himself beside the scout unexpectedly. 'I worry for him too, but I know the Decepticons will not hurt him.'

_'He's gone_._' _Bumblebee's clip was slow, sombre.

'Not forever, Bumblebee.'

'For**_ever_** and _**everrrrrrrr**!_' Hot Rod abruptly burst into song, hurling an arm into the air dramatically.

Ratchet punched him out of the way and sat down in front of the two Autobots. 'Bumblebee, if you don't stop pining, I'll find ways to make you stop.'

Hot Rod tottered over behind him with a soft thud into the sand.

'Ratchet, don't be so cruel.'

'And _you_ are almost as bad,' the medic seethed, jabbing a finger at Optimus. 'I've noticed your heroically mournful silences.'

Prime opened his mouth to argue, but-

'I _suggest_ that you start building sandcastles like you mean it,' the CMO hissed. 'Else I find good reason to sabotage your-'

Optimus shot to his pedes- surprisingly fast for one so large- and offered a hand to Bumblebee, who leapt to his own. They raced off.

'I'll get sand!' Prime shouted. 'Get digging, Bumblebee!'

Hot Rod peered up from his faceful of sand, blearily staring in their direction. 'Why, I must be hallucinating,' he declared. 'Optimus has turned into me- why else would he be building a sandcastle? Or else I've suddenly turned into Optimus! Hah, that means I must be a Prime!'

And with that, he hurled himself to his pedes and strutted in the opposite direction- which was straight into Ratchet. He fell into the CMO's lap.

'You imbecile,' the medic snapped, shoving the orange mech away. 'Red Alert, this buffoon has lost his stabilising systems. Deal with him immediately.'

Red Alert had appeared beside his senior. 'Certainly.'

Hot Rod was about to get up and gallantly assist his fellow Autobots in the competition, he truly was- but even he could recognise the sharp sting of a sedative being stabbed into his neck. Not that it did him much good, as he immediately drifted off into a happy bubble to Hot Rod Land.

Ratchet was darkly amused. 'You were too _slow_, Red.'

'You whipped out your sedation very swiftly, sir.'

'Of course I did. He could have fallen on top of me again; I was in great danger. A squashed Ratchet is not a happy Ratchet.'

'Is a Ratchet ever happy?' Red Alert enquired. 'Besides when he is sedating his victims?'

'I am always happy,' the CMO announced. 'As long as nothing is irritating me.'

'But everything irritates you.'

'I know,' Ratchet replied delightedly with a evil wiggle of his luminous fingers. 'That's what makes my life _fun_.'

* * *

**Inashi Silverfang, I shall make no comment on the matter of which Transformer suffered a collar. ;D And gosh, JuJill, I love you. Your review has inspired me.**

**Thank you to all my reviewers thus far! Kibble-love to you all.**

**PS. Don't you loathe it when fanfiction steals your words? When it randomly cuts out whole words because you have too many of the same letters in it? I think I may have fixed it, but Hot Rod's line 'forever and ever' may have been assaulted by this ridiculous check-thing they've got going on. Anyway, it's supposed to be him singing Ewan McGregor's same line from Elephant Love Medley, just in case it isn't there. That's only helpful if you've seen Moulin Rouge, but heyho. ;D If you haven't, just imagine Hot Rod howling 'Forever and ever.'**

**PPS. Not that I own Moulin Rouge (Or Ewan McGregor, for that matter. Beautiful man).**


	6. If It's Pink, We Have Trust Issues

_**IN WHICH THE PLOT THICKENS.**_

**LOL JK, there isn't a plot. Well, there is. Vaguely. This fic will actually continue until my kibble for it fizzles out, so who knows? Cx**

**Inashi Silverfang: You shall see why I made no comment later on in the chapter. ;D It is entirely because of you. Hope you like.**

**Apologies, everybody; the Ravage walk is shorter than I had anticipated. Luckily for Sam, however, it won't be the last. ;D**

**Let's be off!**

* * *

_Troy Kennedy-Martin:_

_I trust everyone. I just don't trust the devil inside them._

* * *

Ravage bounded about ahead of them, occasionally attempting to leap at Sam.

'How can he jump so high?' the human whimpered, flinching for the twenty-second time- there wasn't going to be a relief, apparently.

'Because he's annoying,' Thundercracker offered.

'Ah. Has- has he ever bitten you?'

Skywarp laughed.

'Let's make this clear,' the blue Seeker began, amused. 'We hate Ravage. If he actually bit us, we wouldn't hesitate to pull out his dental plates one by one, stick them somewhere painful-'

Skywarp felt helpful. 'Rip his armour apart-'

'Yank his tail out-'

'Snap his legs-'

'Pull out some of his internals-'

'But not his CPU,' Skywarp hastily assured. 'We'd want him to know exactly what was happening.'

'Perhaps stamp on him a little-'

'Drop him from a great height-'

'And leave him to die,' Thundercracker finished. 'Or give him to Ironhide or something. We're still unsure of how satisfied we'll feel by the end of it all.'

'And the best part is he _knows_ we'll tear him apart!' Skywarp cried. 'Say, boy, do you have any ideas?'

Sam was still reeling from the gleeful descriptions. 'How- how can you like stuff like that?'

'We're Seekers,' the black mech offered. 'We _are_ a warrior race.'

'But- but warriors don't have to torture!'

'Yet we find it fulfilling. Maybe it's because we're Decepticons?' Skywarp proposed with a nonchalant shrug.

'Surely you don't just _suddenly_ like to kill because of your faction?' Sam asked, horrified.

'You're probably right,' Thundercracker agreed. 'Either we always were this way or we've come to like it.'

'So-' Sam was sure he'd probably regret asking this question, but he just had to know. 'So what exactly- well, not exactly, vague details might be better- what would you do with me?'

'Why, nothing,' the blue mech answered and looked at him, slightly bewildered. 'You are the boy.'

'With humans?' Sam asked tentatively.

Thundercracker glanced up, avoiding a sudden branch.

Skywarp hummed. 'Hasn't been decided on yet.'

'_Yet_?'

'Well-'

Thundercracker hissed at him suddenly, a clear warning.

Skywarp met his gaze with narrowed optics and a small growl.

_If there's a fight, Sam's doomed,_ cynical Sam muttered.

_No one's going to protecting him this time_, genius Sam agreed tentatively.

Noble Sam tried to find a positive. _At least nobody will suffer for him today-_

And then Skywarp fell back a little, wings lowered ever so slightly.

Sam watched anxiously.

Thundercracker was about to vocally reprimand his fellow Seeker, but he was too slow; Skywarp had already teleported away with a loud VOP.

'Where's he gone?' Sam nearly squeaked.

'He's always gone,' the blue mech replied. 'Like smoke. The same as most of us, I suppose.'

Frowning, the teenager was about to probe the alien further when he glanced up and caught sight of the Seeker's face.

It reflected startlingly familiar emotions that were so _human_ that Sam couldn't have continued even in anger.

But what was a Decepticon doing, looking desolately lost?

* * *

Wings fluttering in thought, Starscream was studying a data-pad when Skywarp entered.

'Entered' meaning VOPping in without permission.

'You knew I was coming,' the black mech justified without provocation.

'A pulse over the trine bond of '_Coming to get you_' is not what I call an advanced warning,' Starscream muttered, optics concentrating on his work. 'I thought you were supposed to be with Thundercracker.'

'That's the thing,' Skywarp announced. 'I thought we were a trine.'

Starscream glanced up, sensing an Important Matter Shimmering On The Horizon.

'You're never there!' the black Seeker charged, furiously. '_And _you and TC are hiding something from me-! Why has everything _changed_?'

He didn't have to answer, certainly; far be it from Starscream to answer any question thrown in his direction. Yet it depended on how it was viewed. An outsider might have seen the Second in Command being personally accused by an inferior minion who was far past his boundaries.

This was not a matter of the Decepticons.

Sometimes Starscream had so many duties and responsibilities it was hard to remember who he was.

Yes, sometimes it was hard to separate things which were and things which always would be- and at this moment, Starscream was simply a trine leader accused of near-on treachery.

'_Staaaaaaarscream_,' Skywarp whined, seeing the other mech puzzle over something and trying a gentler track ,'why are you always so busy?'

'I'm not 'always busy',' the Air Commander snapped. 'I just have things to do.'

'But you never spend _time_ with us, and you're always planning things and training and running after the boy and Megatron, and-'

'I do not run around after the boy,' Starscream replied evenly, scanning his data-pad. 'I am simply ensuring his survival.'

'But why?'

'For reasons that are my own.'

'But-'

'But nothing, Skywarp. I-'

'And so is TC!' the black Seeker wailed angrily. 'He's always doing things as well!'

'I have merely asked him to- run some errands for me,' Starscream explained. 'Errands which I- for various reasons- cannot undertake.'

Skywarp's wings drooped. 'But you don't ask me?'

Starscream flicked his own suddenly, immediately catching the miserable mech's attention. 'Perhaps there is something you can do.'

'Really?'

'Really.'

'Is it _important_?' Skywarp cried delightedly.

'Highly. Contact TC and tell him to relinquish missions four and five to yourself.'

Skywarp mouthed this several times in attempt to remember it.

Starscream watched him closely. 'I need hardly remind you that nothing is to be said to anybody.'

'But I have to ask TC!' the black Seeker mumbled, confused.

'Nothing is to be said to anybody _besides_ we three,' Starscream firmly pressed.

Skywarp raised a talon. 'Including Lord Megatron?'

'Especially Lord Megatron. N-'

Skywarp's talon was still in the air. 'What if he asks me about what I'm doing, Starscream?'

'Then you make something up, Skywarp. Something credible.'

'What about the boy?'

Starscream managed to control himself from physically assaulting his inferior. 'Why, Skywarp, _why_ would you be discussing secret missions with the human child?'

Skywarp thought for a moment, then shrugged heavily.

* * *

VOP.

'TEEEECEEEEEEEEEE,' Skywarp howled gleefully, engaging his thrusters and hovering suddenly to avoid crushing Ravage, 'my darling fellow, Unheard Warning of Vos-'

Thundercracker rolled his optics.

'Screamer says to give me missions- missions five and six!' Skywarp shrieked triumphantly.

Thundercracker wistfully gazed into the trees for an astrosecond before thwacking the other around the helm with his Sam-free hand. 'Idiot!'

They broke into another language, different to the grating, low one commonly used by the Decepticons. There was more whistling, what sounded like an electronic chirping, and- even to Sam's base sound capacities- a highly varying pitch.

This continued for several bouts until Skywarp rubbed his helm ruefully. 'Ask him yourself-!'

'Starscream,' the blue Seeker suddenly addressed his comm., 'What the Pit is this about Skywarp being given some tasks?'

Sam eavesdropped intently, but Starscream couldn't be heard- it must have been an internal response.

'Five and six-?' Thundercracker sighed heavily, then glared at Skywarp. 'I see: **_four _**and**_ five_**. He must have relayed that wrongly.'

Skywarp beamed.

'That isn't a good thing,' Sam reminded.

'Oh.'

Both Seekers stopped moving, and seemed to be thinking.

'Boy, I am afraid that this walk must end. Both of us are required elsewhere.'

* * *

And before Sam knew it, he was back at the base in a small room he had not seen before.

'Small' meaning it could easily accommodate about ten brawling Megatrons, hence it was not that small at all.

'How was your walk, boy?' Megatron himself asked pleasantly, having already been in there.

The Seekers disappeared with cheery waves and flicks of the wings.

'My walk?' Sam laughed. 'I didn't walk anywhere. I was terrified for my _life_.'

'The boy _ran,_' the silver Decepticon commented to a randomly-there-Soundwave, who wiggled a tentacle in a pleased manner.

The teenager decided not to correct him. The Seekers were (in their own violent way) friendly enough, and if Megatron discovered that they had in fact disobeyed his orders and Sam _hadn't_ been walking, the boy had no doubt that there would be repercussions.

Time for another matter to be addressed.

'_You,_' Sam demanded. 'I want something from you.'

'I don't have anything to give you,' Megatron replied, puzzled. 'Do you mean a present or a gift? It isn't your birthday, greedy thing!'

'How do you _know _it isn't?'

Soundwave waved a tendril. 'Boy: researched thoroughly.'

Sam didn't want to know any more. 'No, I don't want a _gift_. Look, look- you- you have both this _ridiculous _wrist tag on me-' he plucked at it before jabbing at his upper arm, 'And now _this_ electrocution collar thing- I mean, _why _!'

Megatron was nodding in agreement. 'Quite ridiculous, boy. They shall be removed immediately-'

Sam sighed with relief.

'-And we shall combine the two so that you only need to wear _one_,' Megatron beamed. 'SOUNDWAVE!'

The tentacled mech wiggled his creepy appendages as he wiggled towards them, wiggling. 'My liege?'

'The boy deserves better than this!' Megatron declaimed. 'He would like something more stylish.'

'When in hell did I say _stylish_?' Sam shouted.

Megatron snapped his claws in the human's direction with a knowing inclination of his helm. 'I know you too well.'

'You don't know me at _all_!'

Soundwave's tentacles were snaking towards Sam's arm, undulating as they waved through the air.

'Ahhhhhhhhhhh,' Sam wavered, stumbling backwards. 'I'd rather not-'

He tripped backwards over yet _another _tentacle, sprawling with a thud onto his back.

'_A-HOLE!_'

'Boy,' Megatron rumbled disapprovingly, 'We must attend to your frequent usage of taboo language.'

A very thin tentacle grasped Sam's arm before he could roll away. He tugged in the opposite direction frantically, but the creepy appendage was far stronger than it looked. With a sudden click, the band on his arm snapped off, and he was released.

The hopeful teenager waited eagerly for his wrist-tag to be addressed- within seconds, Soundwave had removed that too, and the tentacle let him go.

He scrambled up and balanced for a moment on all fours before hurling himself in a dive behind Megatron's pede.

'The boy likes to throw himself around,' the commander noted proudly.

'High possibility: boy will sustain injuries,' Soundwave warned.

'How so? He is malleable,' Megatron observed. 'He rolls and he weaves, and never lands on his head.'

A tendril gestured lazily in Sam's direction. 'Observation: boy's kind is accident-prone.'

Megatron stroked his chin briefly. 'Then something must be done. But first, the boy needs his new accessory.'

'_Accessory_ implies that I actually want this,' Sam muttered furiously, glancing around for an escape.

'Accessory: pre-prepared,' Soundwave announced distressingly, a tentacle wiggling into subspace. 'Here is one Soundwave made earlier.'

'Stop calling it an accessory!' Sam wailed, wondering whether the door would open if he ran into it.

He didn't think it would, but it was highly appealing.

Then again, being knocked unconscious with wiggling tentacles nearby (not to mention Megatron) was highly unappealing.

It looked like he would have to suffer the whatever-it-was.

Soundwave loomed towards him, tentacles reaching in his direction.

'Please?' He wasn't above begging. 'I really don't want one?'

'Don't knock it until you have tried it,' the commander sniggered, then was abruptly serious. 'Safety first, boy. What would Optimus say?'

'Hide, Sam? Run, Sam?' the human muttered quietly, considering following the advice.

The Autobot's desperate cries echoed in his mind, and he wished he had not thought of it.

_Everything had turned out just fine_, he told himself.

The tentacles holding the 'accessory' found him quivering by Megatron's pede, and headed for his neck.

'No, Soundwave,' Megatron rumbled. 'The boy doesn't want it there.'

'Apologies, boy,' the blue mech offered, tentacles fastening it about his upper arm instead.

Sam glanced at it once the Decepticon had finished, then swallowed. This couldn't be. 'Why is it _pink_?'

Soundwave radiated _pleasure. _'Collar: same hue as Ravage's old energon-treats.'

Sam's brain ran this utterance back and forth a few times. '...Energon-treats? Like, some kind of _candy_-?'

The Communications Officer paused almost infinitesimally, accessing the Internet, then inclined his helm.

'I'm wearing a collar the same colour as Ravage candy,' Sam concluded, his tone lilting and slightly insane.

Megatron was certainly grinning. 'Do you like it, boy?'

'How can I tell you this? No. No, nada, nix, not at all, nein, non.' His skill with languages worn out, Sam resorted to tugging at the collar. It stared at him tauntingly.

'It is not too tight,' Megatron remarked. 'What is the problem now?'

'It's- it's _pink_!' Sam exclaimed. '_Pink_!'

'The boy's sight is good,' the commander commented to Soundwave, who nodded approvingly.

'You- you don't understand,' the teenager appealed. 'Look, I'm male. You know I'm male.'

'What is he saying?' Megatron demanded. 'Soundwave, you're my _Communications Officer_.; communicate with him.'

Soundwave's helm slowly turned to gaze at Sam.

The human swallowed nervously, and prepared to explain-

Then started, eyes wide, as that same feeling from Walmart crept into his mind.

Tendrils stretched across it, diving into- into what?

Unbidden, memories were pulled into prominence, old and forgotten moments;

Miles flying through the air as he attempted to jump over a fence and actually smashed into it-

Dad, tickling him to near death for daring to hop onto the lawn (hell, that was _years_ ago)-

Then they sped up, rushing and rushing to be seen until his entire head was filled with a flurry of blurred voices and colours and backgrounds. He had no idea what was happening, nor had he any control, and feeling like he was about to implode, his mind spinning and twisting and-

Peace.

Then dizziness struck, and he swayed, swirling slowly back to reality.

With a shock, he realised he was gripping his head tightly, panting.

'Well?'

'Soundwave's abilities cannot be used to full extent.'

'And why not?'

'Incompatible,' the blue mech responded. 'Conclusion: could destroy boy's psyche.'

'No.' Megatron was concentrating. 'That isn't right.'

'Affirmative.' Soundwave sounded bewildered. 'Boy; different.'

Sam watched them both, utterly confused.

'Can you uncover and overcome the issue yourself?' Megatron demanded.

Soundwave considered. 'Probability: unlikely. Will attempt.'

'Will you need the boy?'

The Communications Officer nodded.

'Anything you require, simply bring it to my attention,' Megatron ordered.

'I have something to bring to your attention,' Sam announced loudly. He had given up on trying to follow the conversation; it was somewhat above his levels of comprehension. 'You know, this hideous pink collar?'

'Tough,' Megatron decided.

Sam turned his back and sulked.

'Boy, what are you doing?'

'Sulking because I hate you.'

'It is for your own good.'

'It's _pink_,' the teenager nearly sobbed.

The Decepticon had an idea. 'I know what will make you feel better.' He turned to Soundwave and uttered something in low clicks and grating snaps.

Unreadable as he was, the Communications Officer seemed darkly amused, a tentacle or two whipping about the air.

Megatron dismissed him with a flick of his helm towards the door.

Soundwave disappeared.

'What- what's going on?' Sam asked, worried.

'Don't burden your puny synapses,' Megatron commanded. 'You shall see soon enough.'

A sound that could only be described as a VOP suddenly caught Sam's attention.

'Lord Megatron!' Skywarp cried.

'You know what you have to do,' Megatron told him.

'Oh, but really? On such a lovely orn, with the Sun shining and- did you know how- how lovely it is to see you! A grand sight-!'

The commander's optic ridges furrowed as he stared incredulously. Then his optics narrowed. 'What is Starscream plotting?'

'I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT,' the black Seeker bellowed.

Sam winced, too late to cover his ears.

'He- he isn't plotting,' Skywarp finished nervously.

'I _know _you're lying. Shall I tell you _why,_ Skywarp?' Megatron's tone was sleekly dangerous. 'He's always plotting.'

'N-never against _you_, my liege,' the Seeker stuttered. 'He wou-wouldn't-'

'Oh, I _know_.' Megatron sounded incredibly sure of the fact. 'But he is always plotting schemes against the Autobots. Or plotting tactics. Or, say, plotting the fastest route to Delta Vega. I believe one of his currently obsessive schemes- which indeed consumes a large quantity of his spare time- is the plotting of the most convoluted equations for energon conversion. So for you to tell me that he is in fact plotting _nothing- _nothing at all- intrigues me.'

Skywarp's wings were trembling.

'So _what_ do I do with liars?' Megatron mused, optics fixed on the Seeker. 'Boy, what do fleshies do with liars?'

Sam coughed in surprise, mind working frantically.

_Save him, you fool! _genius Sam shouted._ Allow him the opportunity to wriggle free!_

Noble Sam agreed, chin raised high. Well, saying that, his chin was always fairly raised. _All for one!_

'We- we give them a chance to explain themselves and- and put right their wrongs-?' Sam suggested.

'Hm.' The silver mech growled. 'I suggest you accept the boy's proposal.'

'Yesyes,' Skywarp squeaked. 'See, see-' He visibly processor-blanked. 'What was I explaining?'

There was danger in the words. 'Starscream's current plot.'

'He- he's very busy trying to-' Skywarp hastily decided on something. Too hastily, it turned out. '-find a way to resurrect the Fallen.'

Megatron was visibly stunned. '_No_.'

'It's very true, I'll go now-!'

'No, _no_,' Megatron continued, frowning, optics finally leaving the oppressed Seeker and descending slightly to gaze at nothing with a slight shake of the helm. 'He _hated_ the Fallen.'

'Maybe it was a love-hate thing,' Sam proposed.

'The Fallen made him look after dying hatchlings,' Skywarp shrugged. 'Very hate-hate thing. Sad times.'

'Hatchlings?'

'Younglings. Sparklings.' Skywarp searched for a closer synonym. '...Babies?'

Sam's eyes bulged. 'You guys have _babies?_'

'We _did_, they _died_.'

'Starscream killed them?'

'_No_,' Skywarp snapped. 'He did not.'

Sam couldn't imagine the Seeker revelling in the task. 'Did he _want _to look after dying children?'

'That's a stupid question, boy.'

'So why didn't he just say 'no'?'

'Say 'no' to the Fallen, boy?' Skywarp lost his smile. 'That was how he got into it in the first place. You _don't _say 'no' to the Fallen.'

'Well, Starscream surely knew that,' Sam pointed out. 'He isn't stupid.'

'He's also very used to defying commands,' the black Seeker added. 'Especially those which-' He paused. 'Never mind.'

'But-' Sam was _sure_ he'd paid attention in human reproduction lessons- 'You don't have a penis!'

'What's a _penis_?' Skywarp asked, blinking.

Ooops, mouth was working ahead of his brain again. Sam retraced his steps. 'Don't you need- you know, girls to make babies? How the hell does that even work for you?'

'Oh, I'm sure Lord Megatron will explain that,' Skywarp offered the commander's services with a cheeky wink. 'Got to go, bye!'

'You had _babies_?' Sam asked incredulously after the Seeker VOPped away. '...Megatron?'

'Mmm.' The Decepticon was lost in thought. 'Of sorts.'

'How many?'

'I am uncertain,' Megatron answered. 'At the time of their clear existence, I was somewhat busy.'

Well, that was surprising. 'Too busy to see mini-Megatrons?'

'You did make sure of that,' the silver mech replied, suddenly sounding weary.

'What-?' His eyes widened again. 'Oh God, when I sort of killed you?'

'You didn't _sort of_ kill me, boy. You obliterated my Spark with a force-' Megatron paused. 'I saw the whole of space and time.'

'This sounds like Doctor Who,' Sam muttered inappropriately. 'No, no- I was listening!'

The Decepticon scowled at him. 'It does not matter.'

The door hissed open, and Soundwave re-entered, followed closely by the demon-cat from Cybertron.

Sam was considering finding something to hide behind when Ravage immediately trotted up to him, jaws akimbo.

'Denied,' Soundwave instantly announced.

The small Decepticon snapped his maw shut, disappointed, then raised a paw.

Sam squeaked and threw himself backwards, sure he was about to be batted.

'Denied.'

Ravage audibly sighed.

'Ravage: show boy.'

The cat-like creature's tail beat the air excitedly before it rolled smoothly onto its back, single optic unnervingly staring at Sam.

'What do you see, boy?' Megatron asked delightedly.

'...A cat that thinks it's a dog?'

The commander, clearly unable to understand this, plucked him into the air and transferred him to an area very, very close to Ravage's muzzle, where the teenager trembled like a leaf.

'I don't like this,' he wailed, attempting to run away.

With a sigh, Megatron knelt down behind him and prodded him back in Ravage's direction whilst pointing at the panther's upper body. '_Behold_.'

Sam desperately attempted to break past the claw, but there wasn't any hope. He turned shakily, and something caught his eye immediately. Something_- pink_. He stared incredulously at the _pink_ collar around Ravage's neck. _Pink_.

'Happy, boy?'

Sam's brain tried to articulate what he felt, but absolutely no tangible message could be conjured forth from his seething, tumbling emotions. He reached for something, anything, yet the only utterance that burst forth seemed to summon itself, although it was one he was sure the other would understand. 'Frag you!'

The lights flickered, and Skywarp VOPped into the room at that very moment, disrupting whatever could have come next.

Megatron eyed him abruptly, optics dangerously narrowed.

'He's- he's not coming, my liege.'

The commander's foreign response was short, dark and thunderous.

The black Seeker whimpered quietly, then hastily bowed and VOPped again.

'You- you _have_ reduced me even _further_!' Sam shouted, barely even caring if the Decepticon was listening, his voice hoarse and cracking. He felt a dangerous prickling at the backs of his eyes, and knew he was about to burst into tears.

'Oh, boy, you haven't seen the best of it.' Megatron glanced up with a disturbingly evil expectancy. 'One moment.' He stood, then strode off towards the door.

That was it. Sam couldn't take any more of this- it was time to get out somehow. Tears were momentarily held back, replaced by a determination.

'Ravage, watch the boy.' Megatron's voice was so obviously and quietly controlled that even Sam's craving for escape stilled and froze.

The panther growled, limbs flopping back to the ground as he rolled onto his side and eyed Sam hungrily.

'If he moves, you can play with him.'

Sam's eyes darted to the giant Cybertronian in horror, his body instantly prioritising and deciding that crying would be of no use whatsoever- raging self-pity was replaced by self-preservation.

Megatron exited the room with a low, apparently random snarl.

Almost instantly Ravage ventilated heavily over his head, and the teenager cringed, closing his eyes tightly and trying to control his quaking.

The Decepticon raised a paw and wafted it near him- so close to him, in fact, that a spike nearly grazed his arm.

'You are _evil_,' Sam stammered. 'I won't move at all, not an inch or anything!'

Ravage hissed in his face and he flinched, terrified.

'Oh, please,' he whispered, closing his eyes tightly. 'Optimus, 'bee, it would be nice if you could crash through the ceiling or wall?' He opened his eyes hopefully and at that very moment, the door opened.

Sam stared at the opening, hardly daring to believe-

Starscream was hurled through it, crashing to a halt near him.

The teenager was about to dive to safety when he remembered Ravage- more specifically, Ravage's orders- and gulped heavily, unsure whether to be watching the giant cat or a hissing Starscream, now attempting to pick his battered self up.

Megatron entered cheerfully. 'Well, that was jolly. Behold, boy. More of the same company.'

Disbelievingly-

_Don't be stupid_, cynical Sam snorted. _As if –_

Genius Sam paled. _Oh hell._

Disbelievingly, Sam looked at Starscream. More specifically, the Seeker's neck.

And oh, _God_, that didn't look right.

Perhaps more importantly, Starscream was panting severely with his helm bowed, apparently unable to stand.

'What have you _done_?'

'Absolutely nothing you need to be concerned about, boy.'

'I'm concerned about _why_ he has a pink collar on!' Sam shrieked.

'I thought the problem was that you didn't want to be alone in the wearing,' Megatron explained.

Genius Sam rolled his eyes. _He thinks Sam's stupid._

Cynical Sam laughed. _He **knows** Sam's stupid._

Genius Sam shook his head, scowling. _He thinks that Sam's stupid enough to think that he isn't incredibly intelligent. He knows what he's doing._

'How do you feel about wearing your collar, Starscream?' Megatron asked icily.

Starscream managed a low snarl, but nothing else came forth.

Apparently wanting a verbal response, Megatron ground his pede solidly onto the other's arm.

Goaded unwillingly from his silence, Starscream howled unashamedly, clutching his wrist. 'You- you _aft_!'

Megatron waited patiently for the mech to stop shrieking. 'I told you to keep away from the boy.'

'He came near _me_!' the Seeker shouted, enraged with both pain and accusation. 'And that was-'

'The same thing.'

'So now I'm supposed to _run away_ from a puny fleshchild-!'

Sam's guilt was nearly consuming. 'Um, Megatron- can I make a suggestion, you know, a proposition? Just maybe, maybe- if you listened, I might have an idea, you know, one that could help- sort this whole situation out because I mean it's totally, _way_ out of proportion, unbelievably so.'

'Of course, boy.'

'How about- you- you could-' No. Now was the time to be assertive. There was no other option with Megatron, unless you wanted to be squished. 'You should stop this ridiculous obsession with me and Starscream. I don't know why you even started getting all mad and crazy over it, but it's gone too far.'

'I hate the boy!' Starscream wailed at a quieter level. 'I honestly do! I wouldn't hurt him, but I hate him!'

Sam gave an enthused thumbs-up. 'No advantage to it whatsoever.'

Megatron considered the information given. 'But boy, you said you hated me.'

The teenager considered this. 'Because I do.'

_That might not have been the wisest thing to say_, genius Sam sighed. _Sam's such a retard; he should listen to me more often._

Noble Sam beamed. _Honesty is always the best policy._

_It'll get you killed,_ cynical Sam shrugged.

_Don't listen to noble Sam! _angry Sam shouted furiously. _He doesn't know what he's talking about!_

Brave Sam stepped forwards warningly. _Don't be starting anything, angry Sam._

Noble Sam raised his chin._ Let him say what he wants. Words are nothing._

Angry Sam jabbed his fists at the air. _How about some contact, tough guy?_

_We don't have a tough Sam,_ cynical Sam scowled.

_If words are nothing, what's the point of honesty? _genius Sam pointed out. _Besides, I thought that the battles of words and wit was far more intellectually advanced and beneficial to all parties over physical altercations._

Angry Sam agreed. _Yeah! ...Wait, what did you say?_

Megatron scowled. 'What must I do to gain your trust, boy?'

'You can't! You're a villain,' Sam shouted desperately. 'And- and I'm a good guy!'

There was a soft snort from the Seeker behind him.

Suddenly, Sam knew what to say. 'I hate Starscream even more than I hate you!'

Megatron perked up slightly. 'Really?'

'I just never say it because I fear for my life around him,' Sam declared.

'Well,' the commander suddenly decided, 'that won't do. My second and my boy should spend some time together. Ravage, stay.'

The only sounds were that of Ravage panting and Starscream's struggling ventilations.

And with that, Megatron left the room.

There was an ominous and evident click as the door locked.

* * *

**OMG, what's going on with Sam's mind? What _are_ the Seekers up to? Why is Megatron so _dense_? Why does Soundwave have a pink collar collection anyway? In which chapter are the Decepticons and the boy going to trade reproduction lessons? Why, just _why_?**

**I can't answer some of those questions. xD**

**On a more important note, point one: Thank you all so much for your reviews last chapter! I read and giggled at them all. My pathetic excuse for not replying to them is that this is my last week of school before the holidays- the teachers are determined to kill us all with work. I thought I'd get you another chapter out.**

**Point two: A few of you want to see Hot Rod jiggle? ;D LOL. xD My mum, today: _Don't dance about with that cup of tea!_ Totally reminded me of the jiggling Roddy; I nearly choked to death. xD**

**Point three: I'm afraid I won't be writing a romance between anybody; I prefer to let the readers decide where the relationship is. ;D If you squint, you could probably see what you wanted to see between most characters. Except Ravage. Ravage is a cat, let's not go there.**

**_Please let's not go there._**

**Until we meet again, good kibblers! x)**


	7. Exercise Is Always Painful D8

**HAI.**

**Warning: unbelievable stupidity approaches (although I believe a good portion of it is completely canon. C; )**

**I'm sorry to have left you all unexpectedly. I'm back now, promise. ;_; I hope this is good enough to feed your empty kibble-bellies!**

**(The good ol' site is removing random spaces, which I shall search for thoroughly and repair tomorrow. Right now I must attempt to recover from laryngitis. C;)**

* * *

_Thomas Szas:_

_Insanity is the only sane reaction to an insane society._

* * *

Sam couldn't tear his eyes away from the cat-beast staring relentlessly at him.

It was evil, he was sure. Continually watching, evaluating him, waiting for the best time to pounce!

There was no chance he'd survive the night like this (_or however long it was that Megatron planned to keep them in here for)_. Sleep deprivation would eventually hit for sure, and then Ravage would have him!

_Just do it_, a new Sam urged. _Do itttt._

_It is the most helpful course of action,_ genius Sam approved.

Slowly- and without moving his eyes away from the cat- he began to edge towards Starscream, hoping at the very least that being near the large threat would deter Ravage from eating him.

One step, two step.

Ravage's optic glowed brightly.

Three step, four.

Closer all the while!

Five step, six, perhaps he'd actually make it-

Starscream growled softly and he yelped in surprise. 'Hurry up, boy.'

'Wh-'

'I can hear you,' he complained. 'Speak and be done so I may rest without distraction.'

'But I didn't say anything!' Sam protested. 'My mouth was shut, no noises, no-'

'I can _hear _your heartbeat which has retained an unusually increased rate for a good while now- and within the last minute has accelerated yet again, hammering away so desperately and urgently I conclude a newer threat.'

Sam stammered feebly about Ravage.

'What is it you _want_?'

The boy's fingers wove together, then the palm of one hand rubbed against the other's knuckles agitatedly.

'W-well I was just- I didn't want to disturb you- I was just coming along here, just along_ here_ because Ravage was staring and scaring with that boogly unblinking redness and I thought…' Sam trailed off miserably, the words unspoken (_they sounded so pathetic and unreasonable)_.

'You have disturbed me already,' Starscream hissed. 'You have disturbed _so much_ already.'

'I- I'm sorry.' Resigned to a sleepless night of being dazzled by a panther's hungry eye, Sam turned, immediately turning his full attentions back to Ravage.

The small Decepticon hadn't moved.

'He won't hurt you,' Starscream announced bluntly, startling him.

'Can't guarantee it,' Sam replied, willing himself to move. 'Can't guarantee _you_ won't.'

Starscream gave a soft cackle before speaking. 'Be still, boy. Some of us need to rest.'

Sam considered this, then realised that he was damned cold. As he was going to die (_probably_), he'd rather not be chilly. He jogged on the spot, puffing out his cheeks. 'Can't. Too cold, freezing, not warm, you know? No heating-'

Still lying on his side, Starscream had plucked the human into the air- a mere talon gently curled around his waist.

Sam stilled immediately to avoid any provocation, but the Seeker silently deposited him very close to his own body. The boy rubbed his upper arms feverishly, the cold skin chilling his palms. 'What?'

Starscream slowly tapped his chassis. 'Warm.'

It seemed that he had wasted precious energies however, for he then simply shuttered his optics.

Sam stood for a moment before edging closer and eventually tentatively sitting down by the great body. He stayed there for a moment, wondering how far he could push the Decepticon, before cautiously shuffling back until he was able to rest his back on Starscream's chassis. Almost instantly, tingly warmth began to spread across his skin.

Exhaling lowly in relief, he brought his knees up and hugged them tightly, then warily looked across at Ravage.

Soundwave's beast snapped his jaws together with a low '_ruuuoooo_'. Sam felt obliged to stick two fingers up at the small Cybertronian and maturely pull a _sucks to-be-you _face before resting his chin on his knees and sighing heavily.

_See? _sweet Sam beamed. _Wasn't so bad._

_Just got to survive, _cynical Sam grouched.

_Ain't gonna be a problem_, brave Sam vowed.

Angry Sam snarled and waved his fists at nothing._ We should take Ravage out!_

_You're on your own,_ genius Sam pointed out. _No other Sam is as foolish._

_I'm angry, not foolish_! angry Sam howled, swearing at the air above him.

_Same thing_, noble Sam commented whilst staring into the middle-distance, one eyebrow raised heroically.

_Can we go do something now? Sleep is boring! _the new Sam roared.

_Who are you_? insatiably curious Sam asked, glancing quizzically at the new Sam.

_Don't know!_ he replied.

_Where did you come from? _ the other enquired.

_Same place as you did, I guess._

_You can't have done_, insatiably curious Sam protested. _I'd have seen you before!_

_Someone needs to be ready to take control of Sam when he wakes up,_ brave Sam reminded.

_I've just done my time!_ angsty Sam wailed. _All that effort I had to put in to create that emotional upheaval over the collar! Why pick on me?_

Angry Sam scowled. _I'm worn out! Being angry is hard work!_

_Well, we need someone appropriate to the situation,_ sweet Sam pointed out. _We don't know what the situation will be yet, so why don't we wait?_

Cynical Sam laughed (cynically). _Because then it'll be too late, fool. We need angst and anger right now._

_Surely it's someone else's turn! _angry Sam shouted.

Noble Sam sighed. _I'll take the next shift._

_Why the hell can't genius? Isn't that what our boy needs right now?_

_Genius is too busy,_ noble Sam answered, _doing clever things._

Insatiably curious Sam jumped at the chance to influence the human. _Oh, me me me. I'm just dying to find out about the Decepticons and their culture and-_

Noble Sam nodded approvingly. _As long as we're dignified and respectful about it._

_Why is genius Sam so busy?_ spontaneous Sam asked.

_Because _he_ is growing stronger_, sweet Sam unexpectedly offered, suddenly roasting a marshmallow on angry Sam's furious cheeks.

_Who is_? insatiably curious Sam asked (curiously).

_Insane Sam, _brave Sam replied. _He's not too happy._

_I think genius Sam's trying to keep insane Sam under control somehow, _noble Sam explained. _It's all very saddening._

Sweet Sam sighed miserably. _Why can't he come out and play?_

_Because he's insane,_ angry Sam snapped. _Do you want a repeat of 'kitten calendars'?_

* * *

Sam didn't realise he'd fallen asleep until he was suddenly jolted from rest by a dazzling whiteness. Crying out in horror, he tried to shield his horrified eyes from the unwarranted assault.

'Wakey wakey, boy!'

'What the _hell_?' Sam choked, managing to crack open one eye and just about catching sight of a chuffed Megatron looming above him with a _bright light_ shining from somewhere. '…And since when have you had lights?'

'Humans aren't the inventors of light, boy. You do not have to have a _human_ machine for an alternate mode to possess a light.'

Sam couldn't really argue against this and concentrated on rolling out his aching neck. As he looked to the right, his mood wasn't helped by the giant maw panting right in his face, familiar optic peering at him interestedly.

Megatron hadn't quite finished his inspiring conversation. '…You smell, boy.'

'Most things _smell_,' Sam replied automatically, kicking at the mouth of the beast beside him.

'Well, you don't smell _right_. You should smell of Megatron, not of filth.'

'You are filth,' the human instantly shot back. 'Why would I want to smell of you? You don't even have a smell. Unless we're talking like-' He sniffed experimentally. '…Metal. You smell of _metal_.'

Claws pincered the back of Sam's shirt, hoisting him into the air and away from his nice back-warmer. Jaws snapped closed _just_ below his recoiling feet as Ravage leapt upin a too-late attempt to swallow a tasty boy-snack whole.

'Your olfactory senses are weak, boy.'

'My _whaaat_?'

'Exactly.' Megatron was off again, _striding_ away to someplace Sam was sure he didn't want to be in.

'Wait-wait- what about Starscream?'

'What about him?' Megatron asked cheerfully. 'He's not dead or fatally wounded, that's all there is to it. He'll be fine.'

'Right, but where- where are we going? I mean, I have a right to know and all, as I'm going too- and as much as I hate to have you touch me, please don't hold me by my shirt- I've told you before, _god _how many times- it might rip and I'll die, that'll be the end of me, no more Sam, no more boy, just a splat on the floor; skull crushed, limbs twisted, askew, bleeding-'

'...How slow do you think I am, boy?' Megatron sounded insulted. 'My reflexes are far superior to yours. I would be able to detect you falling before you even knew your cotton-sheath was ripping.'

'My cotton-sheath?'

'_Ninety-nine_ percent cotton. Actually inaccurate; it is ninety-eight point five four percent cotton. And that's not being very precise, but I am confident that any intelligently sized approximation would make your pathetically small brain fritz.'

Sam's forehead wrinkled anyway. '_Cotton-sheath_?'

Megatron flicked him. 'Enough of your idiocies, boy. We are going on a trip_._'

'A road trip?'

'No, not a _road _trip. We will not be going on any _roads_.'

'Why not? A road trip wouldn't be a road trip without a road,' Sam began, confused.

'I said it _wasn't_ a road trip. Why is it that Optimus hasn't beaten you for never listening?' Megatron paused whilst Sam paled slightly, then continued slowly, deliberately emphasising some words as if he were trying to explain a particularly hard concept to a toddler. In many ways, Sam suddenly thought, he was. 'Consider it, boy. If we went on a road trip, I'd be a _tank_. Not many tanks use your _roads_, and even less are_Cybertronian_. It would attract a lot of _atten-tion_. It's all about _blending in_, boy. Not something you're good at.'

Sam protested indignantly. 'Well, you're not either-! If you were a master of disguise, you'd adopt an Earthly vehicle, not some big- monstrous... thing!'

'I will take no such action!' roared Megatron impressively, swinging Sam around. 'I am _Megatron_! Why should I look like one of your pathetic, feeble constructions and blend in?'

'Then _why_ are you so bothered about the roads?' Sam shrugged in mid-swing.

'I am not bothered about the roads. I could quite easily bounce around as a tank, but it wouldn't be very subtle.'

'I thought the Decepticons kinda gave up on subtlety when that creepy skinny guy gave that global television broadcast.'

'Creepy _skinny_...?' Megatron paused in thought as they exited the base into what seemed like a fairly barren wilderness.

'Gaaaah-!' Sam wailed, heat suddenly blasting him and trying to cover his face with his arms. 'This is _hot_!'

'It _is _a desert, boy.' Nonetheless, Megatron readjusted Sam so that his claws protected him somewhat from the blazing sun.

'You know metal gets really hot in the sun, right?' Sam hurriedly burbled. 'I mean, really hot, burning, burning hot? Like _supernova-_'

'Boy, I am not just a hunk of inanimate ore. Temperature- among _many_ other things- is regulated, to put it in a simple terminology.'

'Regulated for _you,_' Sam cried. 'But what about me? You might not mind _burning_, but I'm- I'm very delicate! Your claws will heat up and burn me and I'll shrivel and turn a crispy black, charred, burnt-'

Megatron audibly exhaled. '...Have faith in me, boy.'

Sam actually felt the claws touching his skin cool slightly. '...Thank you?'

'You actually have manners,' he commented dryly, then frowned. 'Who is this ''creepy skinny guy'?

'You know, back when you all wanted me for that knowledge I had or whatever.' Sam might have imagined an interested brightening of the optics, but hurriedly backtracked, not in a hurry to end up on a slab again. 'I mean, not that I have it now, no- it's gone, not here anymore, probably lost forever?' He felt guilty as Megatron's entire face fell. 'Um, maybe not lost forever, maybe those Primes did something? Optimus might have said something about it still being here but being repressed or whatever? Like, still here-' He manically tapped his head- '-but I can't access it and it doesn't burst out at random, which is great because I'm not that psycho or crazy or insane or mentally insecure anymore?'

Megatron eyed him wearily. '..._Why _would the Allspark choose you as its vessel?'

'Eh?'

'Nothing, boy.'

'Speaking of,' Sam started indignantly, 'what _was_ all that about my brain? And Optimus? What kind of retarded plan was that?'

'...You see,' Megatron answered, 'We knew Optimus would come for you if you were in danger, and we needed the knowledge you held in your puny little fleshy shell anyway.' He jabbed at Sam's head ruthlessly. 'It seemed like a good idea to use you as bait.'

'You didn't plan it out very well,' Sam scowled, jerking away from the claw. 'I mean, not to mention being a complete and utter coward-'

Megatron actually shuddered and ventilated heavily, closing his optics very briefly, then spoke slowly and clearly. '...I am _not_ a coward, boy.'

'But you _are_! You had to get _two_ other-'

'Boy, it isn't my fault that Optimus suddenly became ridiculously empowered by the might of Heroic Self-Sacrifice. That is your fault. Would _you_ have faced him alone? Besides, it isn't like those rubbish soldiers of mine_did _anything apart from die and be failing Prime-fodder.'

'Yes, but-'

'I think you _imagined _it all,' Megatron declared suddenly. 'You were the one having the mental breakdown, weren't you? Yeeassss, you were. You were very delusional.'

'I wouldn't be _that_ delusional; four giant aliens were fighting in fro-'

'I bet you imagined it _aaaall_,' he continued. 'Maybe you still are; am I even here right now?'

'...How else would I be suspended thirty foot from the-'

'Thirty_-six_,' Megatron hissed. 'Thirty-_six_!'

'You know what? I'm not going to argue with you; you're just in denial, completely, utterly- don't be offended, don't be-! I'm just going to conserve my energy, all of it, because- oh, it's not that you're not worth it, you're amazing and all, it's just that I'm really tired and hungry, and it's pointless trying to argue with some kind of tyrant, so that's all good.' He wrinkled his nose suddenly. 'This is a desert. How the _hell_ did we get into a desert? It was- it was _trees _last time we came outside-'

'Nuclear weapons destroyed everything,' Megatron replied cheerfully. 'Could have killed us all. Not.'

'Nuc-' Sam broke off into a hysterical daze.

'Not _really_, boy. Relax. We just took a different exit.'

'How big _is_ your base? Must be super huge, real large- what kind of budget do you have?'

'_STARSCREAM,_' Megatron suddenly bellowed. 'GET OUT HERE!'

Sam paused, glancing around. 'How the hell do you expect him to appear when he's like, stuck in that room?'

'Don't be an idiot, boy. Starscream is never in a place longer than he deems it necessary. I predict his departure wasn't too delayed.'

The human decided not to pick him up on the fact that he sounded like an airport tannoy. 'But again, why are you shouting for him?'

'So he can hear,' Megatron explained patiently.

'No, no, man, we discussed this last time. Internal communication thingies, use them?'

'Of course- but I am _Megatron_. Why should I conform and be like every other?'

'...Because that would be _normal_,' Starscream hissed, suddenly exiting the base. The only prior warning of his appearance had been the _whoosh_ of the door. He stalked over, looking moody (_perhaps the pink collar didn't help there)_. 'What now?'

'You and I,' Megatron began, glee practically palpable in his sonorous tone, 'are going on a _trip_.'

Starscream visibly ventilated. 'Really. Don't tell me, Megatron Junior will be joining us.'

'Starscream, sometimes you and I just _hit it off._'

Sam hurriedly tried to scrub his mind clean of images of Starscream and Megatron 'hitting it off'.

The commander was proud of himself. 'I am experimenting with trendy phrases, boy!'

'Would a toilet brush be better or just a pipe-cleaner?' Sam asked the world, trying to decide which would cleanse his battered psyche.

'Toilet brushes are _filthy_ things,' Starscream sneered. 'Then again, so are you. I suppose it doesn't really matter.'

'Stop insulting the boy.'

'He's the one being ineffective and incompetent.' The Seeker paused. 'You plan to humiliate me by using me as boy-transport.'

'Boy Airlines,' Sam giggled. '_Dingding!_'

'The boy will be _stuffed _in if you refuse.'

'That will hurt the boy and not me,' Starscream pointed out. 'He isn't threatening or dangerous in any way.'

'I might throw up,' Sam offered.

'Throw up _what_?'

'Um, you know, throw up, puke, hurl, chuck up, vomit, heave, be sick- you know, when like, your stomach contents come right back out of your mouth- from your _stomach_-' Sam pointed at the area helpfully and traced the imaginary pathway. '-and then comes back up this way, up into your throat then out? It kind of stings, and isn't-'

Looking up, Sam noticed that neither were particularly listening. They were both looking at him disgustedly, true- but having a noisy, aggressive conversation in a different language at the same time.

With a sudden snarl, Megatron started forwards- Starscream hurriedly held up both hands.

'Fine, fine! ...Hand him over.'

Sam flailed miserably as he was thrown carefully towards the other mech. He knew what was coming, and spent a moment of airtime dearly wishing that there would be some sort of safety harness or that Starscream would refrain from terrorising his 'passenger.'

No such luck, reader: Sam isn't a lucky person.

* * *

It was some time (filled with rapid flipping and sickeningly sudden velocity changes) before they arrived at their destination- although it was a very abrupt stop, what with Starscream deciding to horizontally pelt towards the ground and transform at the _last possible moment_.

Sam managed to stop screaming himself hoarse after being dropped onto the ground (_grass, grass. Grass was good and cool_), where he stood wide-eyed, shaky-legged and panting.

Megatron's landing was announced by a thunderous _thumpthump_ as he slammed into the earth. He wasted no time with greetings. 'It is time for exercise and training, boy!'

'Wh-what?'

'You will get fat and unhealthy if you do not exercise regularly.'

Sam did not like the sound of that, nor the 'exercising' possibilities that shot through his mind.

'Starscream, make the boy run,' Megatron beamed.

'What do you want me to do? Kick him?'

'That's violent,' the commander frowned. 'Don't be ridiculous.'

For a moment Sam actually believed that this might not be so bad. Clearly he didn't know the Decepticons very well, for the next moment Megatron had lifted his arm and-

'Why- why do you have that cannon out?' Sam asked faintly.

'Stimulation,' Megatron cheerfully explained. 'Nothing better than a little fear factor in a training exercise.'

'_Little-!_' Sam heard the faint cocking of a weapon and hurled himself to the side.

'When Optimus says 'run', you should _run!_' Megatron helpfully bellowed, blowing a crater into the vacated space.

Starscream was staring at the sky in either disbelief or complete unconcern. Sam remained frozen on the ground, eyes fixed on the larger alien in sheer terror.

Megatron was displeased by this. 'Why isn't the boy running? That's all he ever does, apart from twitch and gabble!'

'I'm going to die-!'

'You will if you don't learn to listen,' Megatron proclaimed. 'Let's try a new word. **_HIDE_!**'

Sam scrabbled backwards with a shriek. 'Let me get up first!'

'This is war, boy! This is realistic! How can you be trained if not properly? Let's not be cushy and soft like your flesh!'

Sam wailed and curled up into a foetal position (_the Autobots always appeared at the last moment to save him), _hoping against hope that this would solve all of his problems_._

Nothing seemed to happen.

True, apparently no Autobot(s) had arrived, but on the plus side he didn't feel like he'd been blasted. Or blown to smithereens.

He cautiously opened his eyes and raised his head.

The end of a cannon was about a Sam-length away from him.

(_That's not too far for a lethal weapon_.)

A blade _snicksnicked _out of the end of it, snapping out and pausing two point five millimetres away from his nose.

(_That's_ _even_ _closer_.)

'Hello,' Sam offered feebly. '…Wowww, that looks _sha-rp._'

_Touch ittttttt!_ new Sam shouted excitedly. _See if it is sharp!_

So naturally Sam reached out to touch it.

(_Deadly weapons just have that (deadly) allure about them._)

Megatron withered internally as the boy predictably cut himself, face scrunching up in pain.

'_Ow,_' Sam mumbled, staring at his slashed palm. 'That is sharp.'

'Boy, why did you do that?'

'That cut so easy,' the human gushed. '_Look_!' And with that he rubbed his arm enthusiastically on the blade.

Starscream shrieked. 'What is he _doing_?'

Megatron actually jumped at the horrified sound. 'I don't know. The boy is special.'

'You're- you're letting him_ cut himself_ on you? _You _are special!'

Sam flopped onto his back before staring at his slashed arm, awe-struck. 'Woooow.'

'What are you talking about?' the commander demanded, ignoring the fascinated human.

'Can't you see the _red compound everywhere_?' Starscream howled. 'Spurting out from the boy's _limb and appendage?_'

'The boy wishes to paint!' Megatron cried gleefully. 'See, Starscream. You were wrong; I am perfectly capable of understanding the boy.'

'Why do you think he wishes to paint?'

'You are _so_ unobservant. See the red solution gushing forth? Inbuilt art resources.'

Starscream shuttered his optics momentarily and summoned his wits. '…That would be blood, my liege.'

'Is that what they call it?'

'It could be compared to energon loss-'

'_Really?_ Fascinating,' Megatron gasped. 'They use their life-blood for doodling?'

'_No_,' Starscream hissed. 'They do not use it for that at all. The boy is not wanting to doodle with his blood.'

Megatron's optics brightened. 'Does the boy wish _me_ to doodle for him?'

'If he continues to bleed profusely or if the cut is infected then he shall fall ill.'

'Bleed?'

'The boy is _bleeding_.'

'Ohh.' Megatron's face immediately changed. 'Hurry and give him medical attention, you _fool_.'

'What exactly shall I do?' Starscream snapped. 'I don't happen to have my human First-Aid kit on my persons!'

Megatron ventilated heavily before kneeling and eyeing Sam closely. 'Boy?'

Sam giggled at his bloody palm, flicking his other hand's fingers against the flap of skin.

'S'a bit wet round here,' he complained as blood pulsed out of the wound down his raised arm and began dripping onto his face.

Starscream was barely able to shake his helm incredulously. 'Sweet Primus.'

'He isn't _working_,' Megatron announced somehow pleadingly.

Starscream wasted no further time and knelt beside the other before gently manipulating Sam into a sitting position.

'Wheeeeeeeeeeeee,' Sam muttered, flopping about like a doll. 'We playing dollhouse?'

'Of course we are,' the Seeker replied. 'A change of clothes is required.'

'Coo',' Sam faintly approved.

'Get his shirt off,' Starscream hissed.

Megatron was bewildered. 'Why?'

'To bind his arm, _idiot_.'

The commander delicately- _oh so carefully_- drew a claw through the joinings of the material, popping off the buttons, and proceeded to tug at the shirt. 'These buttons are _ridiculously _obstructive_._'

'So's your mom,' Sam giggled almost inaudibly as the mechs cautiously manoeuvred him this way and that before finally managing to remove the item of clothing. '…You're not putting me in a dress.'

'What is wrong with him- besides the bleeding?' Megatron hissed quietly.

'Hysteria, I presume.'

Megatron pincered the shirt between two claws before tearing it into strips- Starscream gingerly lifted Sam's arm for binding.

'Wassat?' Sam blearily demanded, struggling to focus as the silver mech wrapped a lot of shirt-strips around the wound.

'A- a lovely arm band,' Starscream offered as Megatron carefully but tightly tied the last piece off by his elbow.

'Why in the Pit are you _lying_? Is it that engrained within you that you can't help but lie for no reason?' the silver mech hissed furiously.

'Do you _want_ to send him into a panic? If he is oblivious, I would rather keep it that way than have him squirm about and lose more blood. Besides, what is the latter comment supposed to mean-!'

'Does it h'va bow?' Sam burbled.

'No bow,' the commander informed hurriedly. 'That would be too showy. No boy of mine shall be seen with a bow.'

'Is it _pink_?' the boy suddenly demanded with fevered energy and struggling against Starscream's careful talons. '_Pink!_'

'Of course it is not pink,' Megatron reassured, prodding him back gently. 'Pink would clash awfully with all that red blood. It is a- a nice- blackish… red.'

Starscream was narrowing his optics thoughtfully. 'He must be in shock.'

'It would explain his lack of pain,' Megatron agreed. 'What does one do with a bleeding boy in shock?'

'Do I _look_ like a medic to you?'

'It looks like my cannon will collide with your face if you don't have a suitable proposition.'

Starscream paused. 'I suggest you contact Ratchet.'

Megatron laughed.

The laughter ended somewhat abruptly when the Seeker shifted uncomfortably.

'…You can't be serious,' the commander faintly said.

'He will have at least an idea of what to do! _Look,_' Starscream ordered. 'The boy is seriously injured. Would you rather he died?'

'The boy will not die.'

'Do you see him bleeding everywhere? That indicates mortality.'

Megatron huffed miserably.

'Contact Ratchet.'

'I think _you_ should do it.'

Starscream sensed a great injustice. 'I didn't cut him!'

'Nor did I,' Megatron protested. 'He flung his limb upon my blade.'

'You can tell that to Ratchet,' the Seeker replied with a slightly malicious grin.

'Do you honestly believe I'm that foolish?'

'I honestly believe that you will be _slaughtered_ if the boy dies, is disfigured or disabled permanently and Ratchet could have done something about it.'

Megatron glanced at the now unconscious boy and proceeded to make one of the most perilous decisions of his life.

* * *

**Is this the end? D8**

**P.S. Here's a really great picture I drew of Megatron. 8D Please do take a look if you fancy having your eyes s'plode. ;3 Simply remove those spaces and watch the magic happen!**

**emaaargh. deviantart. com / art/Make-Your-Very-Own-Boy-184995575**


	8. Decisions Have To Be Made!

**Hm, I had forgotten how long the average chapters were for this story, went a bit OTT with MUSTUPDATENOW syndrome, and wrote nearly 18,000 words. YAY. At any rate, I've chopped the draft chapter in half so it's more manageable, which means the next chapter is well on its way to completion too! Joyful days.**

**Since when did that menu when you log in get all funky, too? My mind may have s'ploded.**

**The most important note-**  
**Apologies: This isn't as humorous as normal because it's dealing with slightly more serious themes- like a half-dead Sam. My excuse is naturally everything is a little tenser.**

**BUT I promise you a lot of future content has been written and it's definitely cracktastic. I'm quite proud of it, actually.**  
**Well, I hope you enjoy this!**

**P.S. I think the spacing in this chapter is going to be mental. Hope it isn't too off-putting if this is the case. Forgive me, I wrote it on different software and am working out the kinks. Being as anal as I am, I will return and sort the wrongness out later. Now I must revise for my exams; tatty-bye! :D**

* * *

'_What_?' Ratchet demanded.

Apparently even _his_ formidable levels of experience had not previously brought him into '_this region of idiocy_', as he had just so delicately phrased.

'We're having a super time,' Megatron repeated. 'The boy wanted to have a calendar photoshoot for Ravage, so naturally we agreed, for we Decepticons are nothing if not generous. Unfortunately whilst trying to position Ravage's tail perfectly, he cut himself on one of Ravage's sharper parts.'

'_That creature is a menace_,' Ironhide cut in. '**_All_**_of it is a sharper part. It should be put_ _down_.'

'_Bumblebee tried, if you remember,_' Ratchet hissed. '_But that isn't the point. Why on Cybertron would the boy want to have a Ravage photoshoot?'_

'He mumbled something about- kitten calendars,' Megatron relayed haltingly, utterly nonplussed about what this coded for even though a half-conscious Sam had repeated it insistently to nobody in particular.

Ratchet shot an incredulous, disbelieving look at Bumblebee. 'Kitten calendars, 'bee?'

The bright yellow mech gave a sad nod of confirmation, then eyed Ratchet suspiciously. Oh dear, he would have some explaining to do after this.

At a silent plea from the medic, Ironhide bustled a reluctant Bumblebee away with the enthusiastic promise that they'd find something to _blow the frag up_.

Immediately after their disappearance the medic's face withered into tired acceptance. '_Do you mean to say he has had another funny turn?'_

'The boy is increasingly un-comedic,' Megatron snapped.

Ratchet wearily blinked, faintly surprised by his own unexpected familiarity with human phrases. '_Is his sanity debatable_?'

'Certainly not,' Megatron claimed as the extremely pale boy attempted to hug Starscream's finger.

The Seeker snarled at him. 'Tell them the truth, you_idiot-_'

'_Let me talk to him_,' Ratchet demanded. '_Your shifty mannerisms make me uneasy_.'

'He is sleeping,' the commander declared.

'_Let_ _me enter that in the Decepticon-Autobot dictionary_,' the CMO said. '_Ah, it translates to 'the boy is unconscious'_.'

Megatron flicked Sam's head in a controlled manner; he flopped to the ground. 'This is true. The point is that the boy is bleeding, Autobot. And he isn't looking too well. Suggestions?'

'_Where is he bleeding_?' Ratchet demanded.

'...Arm? Hand?'

'_Severely_?' He sounded more concerned now.

'It is slowing a little,' Megatron announced. 'Starscream bound the wound.'

'_The_ **_wound_**?' Ratchet suddenly screeched, damaging the commander's audio receptors. '_I thought it was a_**_cut_**_!'_

'It is a _large_ cut,' the Decepticon justified.

'This is ridiculous,' Starscream muttered before entering the conversation. 'It is a very large cut, Ratchet. Advice would be eagerly welcomed.'

The CMO twitched. '_You_ _need to clean and disinfect, then_-' and he paused- '_examine the 'wound' to evaluate whether it requires stitches_.'

'You sound very calm,' Starscream said. 'Did you expect something like this would happen?'

'_Do not suspect for a moment, Decepticon, that I am not compiling a lengthy list of both vocal and physical abuse for you both. This is my Calm Voice. I am practising it. I am glad it deceives you into a false sense of security_.'

Megatron and Starscream glanced at each other, for the first time in a _very_ long while experiencing some odd sensation.

'Do you feel it too?' Starscream asked.

'How on Cybertron would I know what you are feeling?' the commander hissed defensively. 'You say it first.'

'Why?'

'Because I'm not saying it until you say it.'

'Until I say what?' Starscream demanded slyly.

'That you fear for your life,' Megatron snapped, falling brilliantly and obliviously into the trap.

The Seeker thought for a moment before cackling. 'Oh. I don't fear for my _life_. I fear in general; Ratchet is not to be underestimated.'

'_I_ fear for my life,' the other declared solemnly.

Starscream chose not to make a snide comment about the fearless Megatron being, well- afraid, mainly because he completely understood. This did not stop the smaller mech from recording and storing away the admission of fallibility, just _because_. 'You don't fear for your sanity once he comes for you?'

'Fool, they wouldn't want me to be a psychopath,' Megatron explained. 'I'd be even more dangerous then. Besides, Optimus would stop him.'

'What if Prime wants to kill you himself?' Starscream enquired gingerly. 'He and the boy d-'

'_Idiots_,' Ratchet interrupted,'_I dearly hope this silence means you are attending to the boy and not squabbling._'

'Would we ever?' Megatron asked sincerely.

'_I am not even going to stoop to your childish level. The boy, Megatron._'

'He's delightful. What of him?'

Starscream winced as the Autobot grated out a reply between clearly clenched dental plates.

'_This is the last opportunity I shall grant to cease your games._'

'I never play games,' Megatron declared immediately. 'I am-'

Starscream held back a screech of disbelief over his commander's newfound suicidal ambitions. 'Master, this isn't the time!'

'There's always time to deceive Autobots,' Megatron replied witheringly. 'Shut up and learn a few things.'

'But-'

The large mech was looking increasingly dangerous, so Starscream reluctantly returned to his boy-fixing.

'Frenzy's limbs could easily serve as needles,' he announced over a different comm. line to the medic. 'Ratchet, would Rumble suffice?'

The Autobot was momentarily distracted from Megatron. '_Excuse me?_'

'You indicated that the wound should require 'stitches',' Starscream snapped somewhat patiently. 'And stitches require needles; extremely slim objects. Rumble's limbs resemble these, although not as worryingly as Frenzy's.'

'_Are you seriously suggesting that you stick that_**_malfunctioning deformity's_**_appendages through Sam's body? Starscream, I thought you were supposed to be intelligent._'

The Seeker growled deeply, wings bristling at the slight. Why was he even trying to help? What did it matter? The boy was of no consequence. Even if he died, it did not truly affect anything; life would go on as it ever did. Megatron might sulk for a period but this was nothing new, and if it was truly severe Starscream could always assign himself an extremely distant but lowly recon mission until the mood passed.

No, he had had _quite_ enough of this nonsense.

The war did not revolve around a mammal/mammals, for Primus' sake. And it was time everybody remembered it.

'Oh, then let him die,' Starscream hissed. 'It is not my concern.'

There was a pause before Ratchet replied. '_That is a sudden change._'

'He will pass one orn or another,' Starscream said, with satisfaction imagining the medic's horror. 'It is not my place to meddle with his fate.'

'_Do you think Megatron will appreciate his passing?_'

'I do not care.'

Megatron was busy roaring into his own comm. 'Have you no reply, medic? I thought so!' He turned to Starscream with a triumphant gleam to his optics. 'I have bested him; he has nothing to say! I, the mighty Megatron, have defeated Ratchet-'

'Perhaps he is ignoring you,' the second suggested, suddenly feeling a malicious urge to spread hatred.

'Nobody ignores _Megatron_!' Infuriated, he returned to his assault with vigour. 'Ratchet! You good-for-nothing-'

'_Hm,_' the CMO said. '_If provoking Megatron was your idea of amusement, Starscream, you are going to suffer for it._'

'The boy will suffer first,' he pointed out, not above blackmail or reminding the medic that the power currently lay with the Decepticons, not the Autobots.

'_Is that a threat on his life?_'

'Possibly.'

'_Could you say it again?_'

That was an odd request; the mech was up to something. Starscream narrowed his optics, processor whirling with potential explanations. 'Why?'

'_I just want your intentions known.'_

'No, I am not repeating myself. You heard quite well.'

'_True,_' Ratchet affirmed, and paused before delivering his ace- '_-and so will Optimus._'

The Seeker froze.

'_I'm sure he'd be delighted to find out who was persecuting the boy. He is so fond of little Sam, you know._'

'You-'

Megatron glanced up, sensors and optics suddenly registering violent movement: Starscream had shot into the air briefly, his thrusters roaring fiercely before abruptly landing with a uncharacteristically aggressive crash- all the while shrieking vulgar obscenities.

It was at this point that Megatron _also_ realised that the boy was in too close a proximity to the enraged Seeker, and so- acting purely on reflex to sudden threat and not out of any desire to hurt the other mech at _all-_ unsubspaced his fusion cannon and _shot_ his second in command.

Only directly afterwards (as Starscream shot backwards through a couple of trees) didhe realise the Seeker was now going to be severely infuriated _with_ _him_. Then realised his next few orns were going to be hellish (and probably much of his life, too). On second thoughts, a beating or two might rectify that promptly, yeass.

Starscream suddenly realised with an immediate chill that there was no point in debating with the medic- he knew full well that Ratchet would carry out his threat- and so decided to howl in his misery, although being shot at quite close range probably didn't help his mood any.

'Ratchet,' Megatron said warily, 'my second is deranged.'

'_Don't I know it._'

Was it his imagination, or did the Autobot sound triumphant? Megatron had the distinct unsettling feeling that he was missing something. 'You have had a conversation.'

'_I am so glad you remember; I have had one with you just now, Megatron. It was highly irritating._'

'With _Starscream_,' the Decepticon snapped. 'You dare to trifle with me?'

'_I would never do such a thing._ _But just remember that when we return for the boy, he will tell us of his encounters_,' Ratchet had said to them both as a parting kick in the interfacing panel. '_I would not want to be somebody he speaks ill of.'_

Starscream- ever so fortunately now having regained his footing and clutching his blasted shoulder armour- was currently shrieking in various languages, and Megatron ventilated heavily as the abuse bounced between cursing Ratchet, the boy, Optimus- ah, and now himself.

As fulfilling as it was being on Starscream's hate list, there is only ever a certain amount of rudeness one can take from so-called subordinates.

The burden of duty was upon him, and the boy was quite secure (unless some wild creature detected the blood and charged for him. In actuality, perhaps he was not so secure after all, what with the bleeding. However, the boy _would_ appreciate the need for discipline and such; Megatron was sure that the human would hold off on his dying thing, and any beasts would certainly honour the code too) and so off he prowled to enforce the hierarchy.

'-nd I dearly hope the last thing Ratchet sees is Prime slowly crushed beneath Unicron's pede!' Starscream was yowling, quite wildly and with disturbing heat and intensity. 'Perhaps I shall peel his face from his smug- well, he shan't be so smug then!- from his overly heroic frame! See how he likes that! And then Megatron will-'

He was rudely interrupted from behind by hard claws tapping deceivingly gently along one of his wings. Mentally cursing himself for completely disregarding his surroundings, the Seeker wisely froze; the powerful mech was much too close for an escape and it would not take much for this to turn to cruelty.

'Do continue,' Megatron said cheerfully after some drawn-out and terrible moments- made worse by the fact that he couldn't even _see_the commander and thus judge or anticipate any action. 'I have a sense that I will quite like this. What will I do?'  
Starscream frantically searched his processor for a safe response- apparently taking too long; tip-tapping claws paused momentarily and he shuttered his optics with a tense shiver.  
The deep tones darkened; the tapping continued more deliberately and slowly. 'Come now, I am _waiting_.'

Would it do any good to shred his battered dignity and beg? No, probably not. His pride rebelled.

'You shot me,' Starscream said, unable to keep petulancy from creeping into his voice. 'It _hurt_.'

'I did not ask for you to state the evident. I asked you _what I was about to do_."

A hard edge dug into the Seeker's wing, and he couldn't help but think it served as a vile reminder, a precursor to what those malicious claws could do. Lying? He could always lie. Lying seemed good. Very good. 'Triumph over the Autobots!' Starscream babbled hastily, logic only just repressing his instincts -_escape the threat_!. He was all too aware that even as he strove to remain motionless his wings had begun to tremble uncontrollably under the constant _taptaptapping_.

'Why don't I believe you?'

He sounded almost sad, wistful, and Starscream wished he did not know how quickly his master's mood could change.

'My lord,' he pleaded with urgency born of desperation, 'I truly meant no ill-'

'No?'_Tap, tap, tap_.

'You- you attacked me without explanation!' Even in his terror, the Seeker couldn't help but let outrage creep into his speech as his shoulder panged in dull pain. He shut down the sensors immediately: he needed to be concentrating fully on the current situation.

'You should be grateful,' said Megatron loftily. 'I aimed for nothing vital.'

'You did not seem to aim at all!' Starscream seethed lowly, managing to keep most of his speech on unshriek-y levels. 'Trigger-happy _lunatic_!'

'How would your wing look with a hole in?' the other pondered. He had ceased his tapping, but was now holding one of the delicate appendages in-between some claws in such a way that the metal in the middle of his misleadingly gentle but rigid hold was in perilous danger of being bent if he so chose. '...Well?'

'T-terrible,' Starscream barely breathed.

'Is that vanity speaking? Being so considerate as I am, I could certainly make the treatment- _symmetrical_.' Claws lingered briefly on his other wing now.

'That- that will not be necessary,' the trembling Seeker supplicated, all too aware of those pincer-like claws gripping his sensitive appendage. 'I- I was upset, master, but I mean no offence nor threat-'

'How many times must I remind you that you are not a threat?' Megatron asked with ill-concealed menace.  
'_Please_!'  
The frantic screech that burst out to rent the air was born of sincere fear, and the commander savoured it for a few moments before twitching his claws: the Seeker cringed most violently as they tightened further, the tips digging harshly into the delicate metal.

Unexpectedly they then were removed; Starscream let out a heavy ventilation of relief and ever so slowly turned to face his superior, well aware that he had avoided something terrible.

'Lest you forget,' Megatron commented, voice nearly sinking into a growl, and it was only at this point that the smaller mech's relief subsided enough for him to realise that deep scores had actually been left in his wing, leaving throbbing, slicing pain.

Starscream did not comment on how this irregularity would aggravate his flight- Megatron would only be too delighted to decorate his other appendage.

He in fact did not need to: being flight-capable helped, but Megatron additionally knew of the sensitivity and higher functions of Seeker wings very well.

Megatron did not comment that he expected the other mech to leave his wing unrepaired- Starscream would only seethe further.

He in fact did not need to: the second in command was well aware that his punishment was to bear the marks. However distasteful, it was preferable to further chastisement.

'You are- too _kind_, master.'

It was half-sarcasm, half-actual fear, and Megatron appreciated it almost as much as the half-servile-respectful, half-furious bow. Oh he _did_ enjoy having a tamed Seeker. Now, where were they?

'The boy requires your ministrations,' he ordered upon remembrance.

* * *

Ultimately no extent of ministrations provided a favourable outcome- a day later the boy still lived (just), but had almost ceased to exist.

Soundwave had discovered This Problem upon Megatron and Starscream's extremely noisy arrival to the base. He had been walking Ravage around the perimeter to avoid the panther harassing the boy too intensely on their return when he heard the commander furiously blaming the nearly hysterical Seeker for something.

'It was _your_ weapon!' Starscream was shrieking. 'How can this be my fault?'

'_You_ were supposed to be guarding him, you useless-'

'Guarding him from _you_? Do you think me suicidal!'

Soundwave wearily attempted to make a hasty exit in the opposite direction, but he was spotted.

Possibly Ravage's ecstatic '_MAROOOOOOOO_' of a greeting to the silver mech did not aid his cause.

'Soundwave!' Megatron roared, 'Come here and judge that this is Starscream's fault!'

'Ravage: bad kitty. No energon goodies today.' The Communications Officer let out a sigh before slowly turning and trudging to them, a wilting Ravage at his pedes. 'Judge with unfair bias?'

'What else would it be?' Starscream snapped. 'Bias does _tend_ to be unfair, you fool.'

Ravage edged towards the Seeker's pede and opened his maw to taste it.

Starscream slashed at him roughly with a dewclaw. 'I would kick you _so_ roughly if I had the build.'

'Oh, like mine?' Megatron asked cheerily before booting the panther into the air. 'Jealous, Seeker?'

Soundwave managed to hide an inward wince and instead watched tiredly as Ravage sailed through the air for a good while before smashing into the ground- at least he managed to land fairly well, for he immediately darted back across the large distance to pant lovingly by Megatron.

'Did you see that airtime?' Megatron asked approvingly. 'I do declare he flew.'

Starscream muttered something darkly.

Soundwave's impenetrable gaze had meanwhile landed upon a small figure lying prone in one of Starscream's hands. He immediately stepped closer and eyed the human more closely. 'Boy's status?'

'He's simply excellent,' the scarred mech said sarcastically. 'Look how alive he is.'

Megatron felt obliged to add his own commentary. 'Starscream is to blame.'

Soundwave was busy examining. 'Boy has lost much of life-blood.'

'Tell me something I _don't_ know,' Starscream snarled, 'he's bled all over me. I _smell_.'

Megatron had cuffed the Seeker firmly, told him he should be honoured that the boy had leaked all over him, and all three (well, four, if you included an unconscious Sam) had proceeded to the medbay for a solution to the seepage.

'What on Cybertron is the boy doing?' Megatron had demanded of a nonplussed Hook. 'Why does he not wake?'

The Constructicon had demanded Starscream put the boy on a surface, avoiding touching the blood himself. He'd screwed up his face in disdain. 'His pathetic systems are struggling to maintain themselves.'

'And will they succeed?'

He had shrugged. 'Who's to say?'

'You are a medic,' the commander had said very slowly, 'I suggest your flippancy ceases and that you think of something because if the boy ends, so do _you_.'

As Hook blanched, Soundwave suddenly received a digital message from Starscream. Curious.

_His processor is addled_. _Soundwave, even you must see that this is ridiculous_. _Since when are Decepticons at risk because of the boy?_

The Communications Officer returned a message swiftly. _Recall that the boy is special._ Starscream snorted almost infinitesimally, but he continued regardless. _What do you suppose the Allspark will do if its vessel is destroyed?_

_Find a new one,_ Starscream sent.

_Consider likelihood of finding new vessel,_ Soundwave replied. _Could be nearly anything._

By the resigned look of the other mech's face, it seemed that his argument was sound. Soundwave returned his attentions to Megatron's continuing threats when he received a final message.

_And yet there is no indication that Megatron is even currently considering the Allspark._

'Boy's irresponsive condition reminds Soundwave of stasis,' the Communications Officer mused aloud.

'Which _means_ the boy is critically damaged,' Starscream interjected. 'And _we_ cannot aid him.'

Megatron did not sound at all impressed. 'What exactly do you propose?'

'At the very least find somebody who _can_ help him!'

'Good idea,' the commander said, 'if you're partial to berserk Autobots. You could deliver him to Ratchet if you're so enthused about the idea. I'm sure the boy's guardian will especially take kindly to his delivery- Ironhide and Optimus too. Would you like to?' he persisted dangerously in a tone that demanded response.

Growling softly, Starscream retreated a step with a shake of his helm, gaze fixed to the floor.

'Get out,' Megatron ordered. 'I've no time for you.'

The irate Seeker let out a low hiss but complied swiftly, leaving a tense silence in his wake. Soundwave watched silently as Hook surveyed the unconscious human from varying angles, undoubtedly running multiple scans.

'Use of internet advised,' he said. 'Will provide information.'

The Construction glared dirtily over in his direction as though denying a need for assistance, then continued.

Whether he followed Soundwave's guidance or not, the boy was still damaged badly. He needed to be fixed as soon as possible, and-

'Well, Soundwave?' Megatron asked softly.

Soundwave thought that the odd, occasionally subdued nature of his normally rather dramatic commander was perhaps indicative of the boy having far more influence than he should,_but_, expecting that this was not what Megatron wanted to hear, waited for a further prompt.

'Is there no way to access his mind?'

'Further explanation required,' the officer prompted.

'There must be _something_ occurring in that feeble human mind,' Megatron insisted. 'Can you not access it at all?'

Soundwave considered this and gently probed at the boy's psyche only to be blocked by _something_. This had not happened before. 'Negative. Contact impossible: defences impregnable.'

'What _defences_?' Megatron demanded intently, growling briefly. 'How can this be? He is just a child!'

'Diagnosis: species advanced for mammal,' Soundwave said. 'Perhaps some have immunity.'

'I doubt it highly,' the commander replied. 'A possibility after _years_ of training, but this seems fantastical.'

Soundwave concurred with silence.

'Experiment with some other humans,' Megatron eventually commanded. 'See if any of _them_ have this immunity or if it is just the boy. Investigate his bloodline.'

The mech nodded in response and mentally considered the operation. He'd certainly need to make contact with the progenitors, and how far back should he explore? That said, humans did not live for very long; perhaps only the immediate ancestors still existed.

'Why _him_?' Megatron asked suddenly, and Soundwave wondered what line of thought his commander was following.

He could have tried to access his superior's processor, but that would simply be quite rude (not to mention that it was quite well guarded.)

Soundwave did not feel it necessary to remind Megatron of Sam's heritage in great detail; he was not stupid. 'Ancestor,' he supplied simply, having researched the boy's lineage quite fully.

'Do you truly believe that? The progeny appears again and _again_ because of one anomalous meeting decades ago?'

'Soundwave does not have the answers Lord Megatron seeks,' the telepath replied, puzzled by the questions. 'Soundwave additionally doubts the boy has them.'

'You will pursue investigations once he reawakens,' Megatron ordered.

'Affirmative,' Soundwave said, knowing full well they would be fruitless.

Unfortunately enough, this was not put to the test in any case: the boy had not awoken after a day, and it was clear to anybody who beheld him that life was leaving his little frame. He had grown pale and did not move. In fact, Soundwave was almost convinced that his body was shutting down slowly- so convinced, in fact, that he was emboldened to approach Megatron over it.

He had just returned from a one-orn trip to space (one had to check one's satellites every now and then) and was proceeding to check on the boy's deteriorating condition when he realised that the base was oddly quiet. No matter which corridor or room he perused, he found nobody.

'Starscream?' He finally gave in and used his comm.

'_What?_' The terse reply was swift.

'Status update.'

'_The boy has been moved,_' the second snapped, '_out of our care. Thank Primus._'

'The Autobots?'

'_Unfortunately not. He was just transferred to a human medical facility in the hopes that they would recover him._'

'Lord Megatron is aware?'

'_He sanctioned it,_' Starscream said. '_Now if you don't mind, I am busy._'

Soundwave ventilated heavily. There was a slim chance for the boy's recovery at least, yet he suddenly dreaded the undoubtedly tense orns until the human's return. He headed for the nearest exit; his assistance would certainly be required at this hospital. The Communications Officer was well aware that the Decepticons sometimes utterly failed to be subtle, but fortunately, he was rather talented at covering up undesirable circumstances.

* * *

Sam woke suddenly as a sudden rushing feeling swept through his body; he lurched upright only to be assaulted by blinding spots dancing across his vision. He could not hold himself up, and fell back with a wince.

'What- what the _hell_ happened?' he rasped weakly, dry throat burning.

He wasn't actually asking anybody, but he definitely got a reply (which was quite shocking, actually).

'What do you remember?' Something was odd about this voice, but Sam couldn't quite place it. Anyway, he chose to ignore this; it wasn't important. Instead he focused on ascertaining his faculties, twitching varying appendages to check they all still worked. This proceeded very well until- 'My _arm_,' he croaked, eyes bulging as he inspected the bandages. 'What-'

'Steady, Mr Witwicky. Try to remain calm.'

_Mr W-_? Nobody had called him that in a very long time. Sam glanced to the origin immediately, hardly daring to believe- and yes, that was what was odd. It fell into place in a glorious tumble of jigsaw pieces.

There was a man before him. (A _man_.)

And he was normal, yes, normal. He wasn't perfect and he wasn't different and he wasn't angry, and he looked normal, so normal that Sam nearly cried out with relief.

He had to make sure. 'You- you aren't one of them?'

'Them', Mr Witwicky?' The man frowned slightly. 'It's understandable to be confused- you _have_ just woken up from a very deep unconsciousness.'

'Who are you?' he demanded suspiciously.

'Dr Carlowe,' the man explained kindly, gesturing at his name tag with infinite patience.

Sam's eyes darted about. He certainly seemed to be in a hospital room, and the man in question looked official enough; white coat, stethoscope. It was all stereotypical and lovely and normal that he wanted to cry.

'You lost a lot of blood, so you must take it easy,' Dr Carlowe warned. 'We're still transfusing.'

'How-' Sam felt there was something missing. His jigsaw was not complete. 'How did I get here? How did this happen?' He tried to move his arm again, but it was much too heavy.

'Your relatives brought you here,' the doctor said.

'Relatives?' parroted Sam mindlessly.

'They're very worried about you.'

'Mom and Dad?' he asked, an overwhelming surge of bliss seeping through his abdomen.

The doctor smiled kindly. 'No, Mr Witwicky. That really was some blow you took! They're still on vacation, but your- cousins? your brother? are trying to contact them.'

'My- my-' Sam's bleary mind tried to grasp at something but it was mistlike, disappearing just when he nearly held it.

'You really need to rest,' Carlowe said.

'But I don't have a brother,' Sam managed to say stupidly, frowning heavily.

The doctor gave him a sympathetic look before reaching down to the clipboard at the bottom of his bed and jotting something down.

'I'm not crazy!' Sam said as forcefully as he could, 'I'm not- and I'm not confused- they- _they_ did this,' he insisted, 'you have to listen- if I go back they'll-'

'Your family didn't do this,' Carlowe said patiently. 'It was just an accident.'

'Won't you listen?' Sam demanded.

'I will, Mr Witwicky- but I think it's best you rest right now. You are recovering from a coma and you will be confused. Either you do so and sleep of your own accord or I'll induce it,' Carlowe insisted.

Sam tried to summon his dignity. 'I've survived Ratchet, you don't scare _me._'

Clearly this resolved the man's mind: he disappeared out of Sam's vision for a minute.

'Hey,' Sam said indignantly, trying to look around but failing as his head felt rather too cumbersome. 'I wasn't finished- hang on, have you tampered with my drip? Is that what you're doing? Tamperer, fiddler, sabotager! Oh no- isn't that saboteur? Jazz would laugh at me. My head feels fuzzy, like heavy and like, too much. Am I dying? Is my head going to fall off like a bowling ball? If it does, make sure I land a strike- wait, what am I saying? My head isn't round, it wouldn't be a good ball at all-'

And with that, he promptly succumbed to a darkness.

* * *

The next time he woke, the doctor was nowhere in sight. Suspiciously he cranked up his neck and peered about blearily to check the surroundings before assessing his condition. No one around. Also no pain, that was nice. He felt a little clearer than before, though still quite- clumsily _slow_. With a relieved sigh he plopped back into his pillow (which felt _wonderful_, by the way, having not had proper bedding for a while).

It was at this point movement caught his eye, and he turned his head lazily to see a nurse enter the room. Glancing at him, she smiled and held up some grapes. 'Someone's happy-!'

'It's great here: see, they don't have pillows in hell,' he explained with a grin.

There was a moment of weirded-out silence before a reply. 'Don't they?'

Sam realised he may have not have been very clear. 'Oh god, I didn't mean _Hell_, I meant _hell_- which is somewhere completely different, like a place on Earth quite near here- actually, it _is_ a place near here, I'm sure, but-'

She looked torn between confusion and insult. 'I'm not questioning your beliefs sir, but there's no need to insult my home.'

'No!' Sam cried, 'oh God that's not what I mean! I didn't mean wherever you live- I'm sure it's very nice- I meant _mine_- hang on, it's not my home- my current residence?'

'You're currently here,' she said, 'and I doubt you're going anywhere very soon.'

'Believe me, there's no better news. Any chance I could get a phone?'

'Your cousin wanted to talk to you first-'

'Cousin?' Sam repeated incredulously.

Her lip pulled to one side as she thought. 'Maybe your brother, then?'

'And where are they?' he asked faintly.

'I'm sure they're not too far away,' the nurse replied. 'They've been very concerned; at least one of them is always here. I'm sure I could find-'

'Nononono,' Sam rushed, summoning his energy. 'Don't bother-'

'It's okay if you think you don't want them to see you like this,' she said soothingly, 'but they've all come in at some point in anyway just to check on you.'

'They've _what_?' he demanded. 'They've actually-look, you have to believe me! I don't know them-'

'Well they know _you_very well.'

'You think I don't know who I'm talking about?' Sam rushed. 'Fine, I'll describe them, see if I'm right. How many- visitors have I had?'

The nurse deposited the basket of grapes on some nearby drawers whilst she thought. Sam peered at them curiously; something seemed a little odd about them. Red grapes were obviously (and weirdly) purple, but for grapes these were a very unusual shade- almost violet. A small card tucked between some of the fruit caught his eye, and he was about to reach for it when she spoke haltingly. 'Possibly... five? Six?'

Sam choked. That many?

'They're all so eager for you to get better.'

'I bet. Right-' Who would have visited him? 'They're all men, yeah? Probably all quite tall and-' He screwed up his face before casting aside his manly aspersions. '-and fit.'

Dear God, did he just describe the Decepticons as _fit_?

'Like good-looking!' he cried hastily. 'Not sexy, I don't think they're sexy-'

The rather unprofessional look on the nurse's face told him he was quite wrong there.

'Ew,' Sam said, 'just _ew_.'

'So that's a nice general description: tall and good-looking?'

'No! Fine. I bet you these grapes that one of them had silver-y grey hair.'

She thought about this quite hard. 'I haven't seen anyone like that.'

'You just want my grapes!'

'Hand on heart,' she intoned with the action, 'no silver hair.'

Sam was quite pleased in a surprised way, and mentioned as much.

'Why, you close to him?' she asked. 'I'm sure he'll come.'

'Hopefully not.' Who else would have come if not Megatron? Who would he have sent?  
Ah.  
'Blonde?' Sam prompted. 'Athletic, arrogant, nothing's really worth his time?'

(Sort of) encouragingly, the nurse did not reject this one.

'He's possibly been arguing with a slightly older guy with shades and a trench coat? That one thinks he's a spy,' he added. Well, might as well spite them as much he could.

'For someone who doesn't know them those are pretty accurate descriptions, but they don't usually come at the same time.'

'What- how long have I been out?' he demanded, concerned by the implications.

'You were critical for a day or so,' she explained. 'Comatose.'

Sam spluttered.

'Not for long!' she added quickly as if that made everything so much better. 'A couple of days max.'

'What- what the hell happened to me?'

'You kinda lost a lotta blood-'

'_Sam_?' a new voice demanded disbelievingly from the door. Sam's eyes shot to the familiar tone.

'L-_Leo?_'

The other young man burst into the room, albeit with a slight limp. 'Where you been, man? I been calling-'

'Cell's gone,' Sam said, 'it's complicated.'

'You know each other?' asked the nurse.

'We're blood brothers,' Leo said earnestly. 'This here? This is my bro.'

'I know _this_ one,' Sam reassured .

'Thank heavens,' she said dryly. 'I'll check back on you later, sir.'

Leo watched her closely as she left. 'H.O._T_.'

'Leo,' Sam scowled. 'Still not got a girlfriend?'

'Too good for one girl,' he said with a wink. 'You still with Mikaela- actually,' and he frowned, 'Man, what happened to you? You just drop off the face of the planet and wind up here?'

Sam screwed up his face. 'I won't lie, it's confidential.'

Totally the wrong thing to say to Leo, who looked (if it were possible) even more interested. 'Confidential? What, Mudflap stamp on your arm?'

'No!' Sam snapped. 'I've had- Cybertronian business, that's all.'

Leo plonked himself on the bed. 'Gotta sit bro, leg's killing.'

'What did you do?'

'Simmons and I were investigating some Transformer sightings,' Leo explained, "and-"

Sam shushed him urgently, gesturing with his eyes to the open door. 'Keep it down! Simmons is here?'

'Nah,' said Leo, 'he's gone back to New York to get some more supplies. Back at some point, though. Anyway, my leg- it was amazing, I was outnumbered by at least six barbarians but I was beating them off with my kung-fu skills, so the cowards set off this massive trap and rocks thundered down onto my leg-'

'Right,' Sam replied convincingly. 'So how did you get away?'

'...Obviously the rocks fell between us and them.'

'Oh _obviously_.'

'So, _you?_' Leo nodded at his arm.

'I don't really remember much,' Sam admitted, knowing he couldn't tell the other man a great deal anyway. 'Think I must have hit my head on something and forgotten.'

Still, even if he couldn't _tell_ Leo anything then he could still get a message out to the Autobots. Clearly the hospital was under Decepticon surveillance; he probably wouldn't be able to call them himself, but Sam was _sure_ Leo- or at least Simmons- was in some sort of contact with the aliens.

'Look, I need you to do something for me-'

'Really Sam?' Leo eyed him closely, suspicious. 'Something big? Last time you dragged me into something I nearly _died_. Like, repeatedly.'

'I wouldn't ask unless I was desperate- besides, I didn't drag you into anything,' Sam said indignantly, 'you just came along. Anyway, _please_?'

Leo must have seen how earnest he was, because he just shrugged and nodded an affirmative. 'What d'ya want?'

It was at this point three more men entered the room.

Leo turned around mildly to look at them before abruptly coughing violently (and Sam had to confess he himself might have twitched a little).

He would be able to make a brilliant guess as to who these Decepticons might be by the (surely illegally) tight, brightly coloured shirts with jackets of a similar hue. Each happened to have an obsession with a different colour. Quite startlingly though (and if he had thought about it previously, he might have expected it), all three genuinely _looked_ similar enough to be brothers.

Leo managed to recover. 'You know these guys?'

'Seekers,' Sam replied dully.

'What, like name of a sports team or like hardcore Harry Potter fans?' Leo asked. 'They famous? I'll blog-'

Starscream was eyeing Leo closely. 'I briefly thought perhaps we'd met before, but I don't care enough to bother thinking about it. Leave.'

'Hey!' Sam protested angrily. 'He's my friend-'

'And we're so totally your cousins,' Skywarp -it had to be him. The violet jacket was rather striking to say the least, and who could mistake the enthusiastic idiocy?- jabbered excitedly. '_Yeah_!'

'These your cousins?' Leo said. 'That's cool, I'll leave you to it- see you later, man.'  
And with that, off he went.

Sam gaped. Why was everybody just so_- so weird_ when it came to Decepticons? With a scowl, he addressed Starscream. 'That was just rude.'

'Jealous, are you? Thank you, it comes naturally.'

'You recognised us!' Skywarp cried happily, clapping his hands together, then frowning. 'Ooh, that felt odd. TC, have you done that yet? Clapped?'

'No,' the third Seeker replied monotonically.

'Do it, it feels weird without talons-'

'No.'

'Have you tried bouncing?' Sam asked. 'That's fun.'

Skywarp immediately began to do so, and this was followed with a squeal of sheer delight. 'Oh it is! TC, Screamer, try, try it! These legs are so _different_-'

Starscream shot Sam a look of pure hatred.

Thundercracker was mildly interested in a previous point. 'How _did_you know who we were?'

'You just- look like _you,_' Sam offered lamely. 'I guess the colours of your clothes helped.'

Thundercracker tweaked the collar of his electric blue jacket. 'I admit I am almost fond of it.'

'_Ilovemine,'_Skywarp screeched, ripping off his own and hugging the purple material tightly. 'I want one for _me_, a huge one with a giant _zip_. What a fantastic word, _zipzipzipzip._ I'm zipping my zip. Zzzzzzz-'

_'_Let me guess, you plan your outfits together?' Sam sniped.

'I copied,' Skywarp said immediately and without shame. 'Is it nice?'

Starscream massaged his nose.

Sam suddenly noticed the dissimilarities between them even in just _jackets_. Whilst Skywarp's had been completely unzipped and had the rumpled air of being just thrown on, Starscream had opted for a (certainly more stylized) collar-up, calculatedly half-zipped up affair, and Thundercracker's was near the epitome of smartness: collar neatly turned down, fastened fully.

He wrinkled his nose. 'I guess you pull it off.'

'Good!' Skywarp replied enthusiastically. 'It's just I was worried- everyone keeps looking and staring, especially the fleshy femmes, and-'

'Why _are_ they staring?' Thundercracker asked with a frown. 'Are we unusual?'

Sam cackled. 'You for real? Red eyes, for one.'

'My eyes are not red,' Starscream refuted swiftly, 'they are a molten lava.'

'Bully for you. Mine are hazelnut swirl.'

Thundercracker shifted his weight suddenly from foot to foot. 'I need air.'

The other Seekers immediately looked unreasonably concerned.

'Try to give it another minute,' Starscream ordered, but for once without a trace of arrogance.

Thundercracker nodded, still shifting.

'What do you want?' Sam demanded, wishing he didn't feel so weak.

Starscream eyed him disdainfully. 'Just checking you're functioning.'

The human suddenly noticed something that seemed quite bizarre. 'Hang on, why is your jacket red?'

Starscream raised an eyebrow at him.

'You're not red,' Sam said. 'I mean, _he'_s blue and _he'_s a bit purple, but you're... just not red. At all.'

'_Bluuu-uue_,' Skywarp repeated. 'That too is a good word!'

Thundercracker was looking increasingly queasy.

'Can't you leave me alone now?' Sam asked wearily, mind flicking back to the more pressing matter. 'Not just now, I mean like forever- just like, tell the Autobots to pick me up and we'll move on.'

'Ah,' Skywarp said, 'he hasn't realised yet.'

Starscream snorted and wandered away to look out of a window, his back facing Sam's bed.

'Realised _what_?'

'Well,' the blonde (and really, was it surprising Skywarp was a blonde?) replied almost apologetically, 'we can't really give you back to the Autobots in this condition.'

'Be like giving them back a newly broken toy,' Thundercracker added helpfully. 'It's just not done.'

'I am not a _toy_,' Sam said in a voice small and angry.

'Exactly!' Skywarp reassured, 'Which means we can wait for you to repair yourself instead of fiddling around with you ourselves which probably wouldn't work.'

Sam paled. 'You seriously mean you intend to _imprison_ me until my entire arm is completely healed?'

'Yup.'

'But that- that will be months!' Sam croaked, flopping his bandaged arm helplessly. 'You can't! I'll be dead of a million things by then- starvation, fatigue- oh come on, you gotta know that's ridiculous? Who's thought that up?'

* * *

'Who thought this ridiculous idea up?' Ironhide demanded suddenly as the Autobots pow-wowed under the stars.

'Which ridiculous idea?' Prowl enquired. 'Many have been engendered these past orns.'

'Leaving the boy with the Decepticons,' Optimus said thoughtfully, staring into the flames in the centre of the circle.

The Autobots did not need flames to keep warm, of course, but they were trying to have a holiday. If they were camping, it seemed right to have a campfire.

Bumblebee reached into subspace and pulled out a small object, which he manoeuvred between his fingers with infinite skill.

This attracted Jazz's attention. 'What's that, 'bee?'

'_Girls on film,_' the yellow mech returned. '_Taking your picture!_' And with that, he delicately aimed the little machine and photographed the scene.

The flash went off, provoking Ironhide's roar as the warrior leapt to his pedes with a crash, aiming his cannons.

'It's attacking us! It blinds us!'

Bumblebee protectively shielded the device from cannonfire and whistled indignantly.

Optimus glanced at Ratchet. 'You have been unusually sombre, Ratchet. What is the cause?'

'Deliberating,' the medic said as Ironhide charged around the circle after an elusive Bumblebee with loud threats.

Prowl was apologetic. 'Was it the boys? My sincerest regrets. Thinking them vaguely intelligent, I did not presume they intended to target you with the avalanche. I was sure it was Hot Rod or Ironhide.'

Ratchet waved a hand dismissively. 'No no, the boys will reap what they sow.'

Currently cuffed on each side to a rather unhappy Jetfire, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe looked at each other fearfully.

'Prowlie, release us!' the golden mech cried.

'Prowlie, heeeeeeelp!'

'Primus save me,' Jetfire whispered quietly.

Arcee wasn't impressed. 'I still don't see why Jetfire's been dragged into this.'

'Because they can't drag his huge mass anywhere.'

'An' it's helpin' him become brave,' Jazz added eagerly.

Arcee thought that the near-terrified face of the shuttle said otherwise.

'Does that mean I can kick them and get away with it?' Hot Rod burst out enthusiastically, springing up into a heroic pose.

'We will have our revenge if you do!' Sunstreaker cried. 'Scuff my paint and I swear-'

'Try it at your peril,' Sideswipe added.

'You might hit me!' Jetfire protested.

'My gun might go off,' Arcee threatened.

'We don't forgive!' Sideswipe howled.

'And we never forget!'

Prime returned his attentions to Ratchet as Bumblebee sped behind them. 'What is the cause of your silence, friend?'

The medic cycled his vents thoughtfully whilst Ironhide thundered past. He was loath to share his information should some Autobots have a guilt-ridden breakdown and then storm back to end all Decepticon lives. Haste would cost them dearly. 'Was it wise to leave Sam with the Decepticons?'

'Of course it wasn't,' Optimus replied, 'but I trust Megatron to protect him.'

Prowl poked the fire with an extremely long bendy stick. 'Had we not left Sam in his custody, I for one cannot believe he would not have sought the boy by himself if we were not guarding him.'

'Then perhaps we should have taken him with _us_,' Ratchet said. 'Even if Megatron is protecting the boy from his own clumsiness and tendencies to find trouble, the Decepticons are not renowned for gentleness.'

Optimus pouted in noble thought, interlacing his fingers. 'Perhaps you are right. Then should we retrieve him and continue?'

'Our journeying would have to be adjusted,' Red Alert said. 'The boy has different needs to us.'

'That matters little if the boy is safe and loved,' Prime replied gently.

'I feel sick with all the mushy goop over here!' Sunstreaker called.

Bumblebee promptly punched him in the face on his next circuit before sub spacing the camera and skidding onto his aft beside the more _adult_ Autobots before gazing up at them pleadingly. '_Got to get back to my baby!'_

_'Gah!'_Sunstreaker cried, attempting to clutch his faceplates. 'My beauty is tarred!'

Sideswipe attempted to peer around Jetfire's bulk and failed miserably. 'Bro, hold on!'

Jetfire looked at him incredulously as the silver mech decided to clamber across him to reach his twin. 'Do you mind?'

'My bro is dying!' Sideswipe cried furiously. 'So no, I don't! Do you?'

Ironhide watched proudly as a determined Jetfire firmly grasped the silver Corvette and pushed him back onto his aft. 'Yes, actually, I do.'

Prowl was calculating, as Prowl is wont to do. 'Even if we left now, it would take several orns to reach him.'

'If we sent but our fastest mechs?' Optimus mused.

'But firepower may be necessary,' Ironhide said. 'I must go.'

'Perhaps we could ask the Decepticons brought him half-way,' Prowl suggested.

'That might go down well,' Ratchet said dryly.

'Well, they know they have to give him back,' Ironhide returned.

The CMO had realised something that day, and it sent a chill through his systems. 'Megatron is obsessed with the boy. Who is to say he plans to give Sam up at all?'

A quiet fell around the campfire.

'Ah,' Ironhide said eventually, 'firepower it is.'

Bumblebee was growling quietly, armour bristling.

'Let us not be hasty,' Optimus said. 'This could be true, but it is conjecture.'

Hot Rod flung himself dramatically in front of the flames (sadly, not into them). 'To go or not to go, that is the question.'

* * *

Sam was quite enjoying the peace in the wake of the Seekers' departure (they had disappeared rapidly, as a matter of fact, all twitchy for no apparent reason). Although he now had a seemingly permanent visitor in the form of a dark looking man with an astounding and enviable black fringe that stuck up in a high V shape, the Decepticon didn't seem to talk at all. And he didn't stare incessantly, which was nice.

But the sort-of peace couldn't last long, because for some reason the Decepticons just couldn't leave him alone.

By the time Megatron showed himself, Sam wasn't even sure how much time had passed. But as he awoke from yet another doze, he was quite aware of his sudden company.

Eyes snapped open at the unfamiliar presence- adjusting far more slowly than Sam would have liked- but finally focused on the tall not-man staring at him intently.

He jolted upright in shock. 'Jesus Christ!'  
'Megatron,' Megatron corrected. 'Do we look that similar? I thought he had brown hair and a beard.'

'Oh _god_,' Sam said, still unable to speak properly.

'It is clear that you are not fully healed,' Megatron said thoughtfully, 'if you cannot distinguish between a deity and myself. Unless you have, in which scenario I remind you that I am indeed mortal. Just not as mortal as you, flesh-creature.'

'You did this to me,' the human accused, gesturing at his bandages with a flick of his head. He truly didn't care about the idiot's language barrier.

'I did no such thing.' Megatron even had the cheek to look ruffled by the claim.

'Liar!'

'Do you remember it, boy?'

Sam wasn't sure whether to call his bluff or not, but answering in the negative seemed to place him in a powerless position. He went for a safer option. 'Nonono_no_,' he said, abruptly addressing a rather prominent issue, 'I don't want to see you. Out, get out. Leave me alone-'

'Now now,' Megatron said, settling himself quite firmly onto the edge of the bed, 'you have to come home.'

Sam didn't know where home was but it certainly wasn't with _him_.

'Not going!' he declared more loudly, 'Rather be here, in bed, comfy, warm- with food- rather be with humans than with-'

As deliberately and as casually as if it were acceptable behaviour, Megatron reached over to his bandaged arm whilst he rambled and twisted it. **_Twisted it_****.**

Sam screamed, but not for too long because he was too tired. In fact, he wasn't sure if he made any sound at all because all he could feel was the searing jolting pain coursing through his arm, and surely somebody would have come by now if he had been making a noise?

He babbled meaninglessly, words tumbling from him as if this would help in any way until Megatron jerked his limb slightly, eyes narrowing in a clear order to be quiet.

'_Ow_,' Sam whimpered, his own eyes filling with unwanted tears, but falling silent.

'That is better,' the Decepticon-not-human said lowly. 'I think you will find some papers will be presented to you shortly. You will sign them-'

'How?' he gabbled. 'My whole arm is-'

A tightening of Megatron's hand around it was enough threat. 'You will _sign_ _them_, boy.'

Sam nodded reluctantly, frantically, and with that affirmation the alien disappeared. Literally disappeared into thin air. And although the weight on the edge of the bed had been relieved, Sam somehow felt more oppressed than before.


	9. Boys Need Cubes

**Er, as this fic began pre-DOTM, just picture Soundwave as a blue version of himself. I quite like him being blue actually; it distinguishes him somewhat from the generic silver Decepticon. (cough.) Also, didn't realise how much darker Megatron would be appreciated! That is to say a) he will now appear much more frequently, and b) suggest away at me! Whilst I've got a lot written I do love catering to your different desires.**

**Ah gosh I'd love to set Optimus on the 'rioters'. He'd kill them all, I think, or take their faces. You wouldn't dare cause trouble with Prime prowling the streets. Not a good time.**

**Anyway, do please enjoy!**

**Warning: Creepy!Decepticons are creepy. Beware; watch out for those tentacles!**

**Boldspeak is Cybertronian, yeaaass C:**

* * *

Either time was acting a bit oddly or he just let it flick by, because although Sam was aware that he had sat there completely frozen for a good while after Megatron's exit, he definitely hadn't noticed his next visitor's appearance.

'Will you get out of there,' Starscream hissed lowly, clearly having thought he had waited long enough for a response.

Sam blinked at him dumbly.

'For Primus' _sake_, have you been reduced to a vegetable?'

His unused voice felt dry, rough. 'What's happening?'

'We would be leaving if you actually _moved_ out of the berth.'

'But I haven't checked out,' Sam protested.

'Precisely, but sitting there is not conducive to anything. You waste time! Get _out_, cast on your garments and be ready to sign the documents.'

'What are you doing here?'

'Evidently your mushy brain is unable to handle even simple scenarios. I am instructing you, _fool_.'

'No, what are _you_ doing here? As in like, you, and not anybody else who doesn't want to tear me apart- well, you all do really- but I mean like, Soundwave or-' Sam hastily went back on himself, 'not Soundwave because he might drag me out on a leash or something- but like, y'know what I mean? _You_?'

Starscream's shoulders twitched, and he suddenly seemed extremely uneasy. 'I swear I will end you _right now_ if you don't move.'

He sounded serious enough for Sam to instantly react, hastily swinging his legs over the edge and shifting forwards. A part on his healthy hand felt odd though, like he was being gently tugged. Glancing down, Sam spotted the problem.

Starscream eyed it disbelievingly. 'They tied you to the apparatus? A fine idea.'

'That's a drip,' Sam explained.

'You _are _a drip,' Starscream retorted in a manner disturbingly reminiscent of banter.

(_Decepticons did not banter_.)

'But I'm so attached to this,' the human continued, flopping his hand about. 'Not like- emotionally attached or anything because that'd be plain weird, but like physically attached, you see? I can't move any further-'

The Seeker ground his teeth before pacing over and ripping the needle out of his hand- the human yelped, other hand flying to cradle it protectively.  
'Hurry!'

For a moment Sam considered disobeying, but something inside him remembered that just because giant mechs weren't present right then didn't mean they weren't nearby. Extremely nearby, if Starscream's hologram was actually here. His nerdy self reminded him that it surely couldn't be a hologram if it had a physical presence- but then what did that make it? In the time taken to consider this, Sam had managed to carefully manoeuvre himself out of the bed avoiding anything making direct contact with his injured arm.

'Achievement,' he muttered. '20 Gamerscore? 100?'

Without looking once in his direction, the Decepticon pointed dismissively at a neat pile of clothing piled on a handily close small table. This also had not been there pre-Starscream, he was almost certain.

Sam wobbled over to it on unsteady legs and began a cursory ocular sweep for bombs.

'What happened to my shirt?' he heard himself asking inanely.

Starscream considered this. 'I recall it was too torn and bloody to keep.'

'So where did all this come from?' Sam suspiciously picked his fresh shirt up and visually inspected it for- well, he didn't quite know. Itching powder? Minute Decepticons? Rust? Evidence that he wasn't mad?

'Idiot boy, you brought an entire case of garments with you.'

'Considering it seems like I'm- gonna be -spending the rest- of my bloody _life- _with you, what's the problem there?' Between words, Sam had managed to pull his shirt on and was attempting to button it up. He was also failing miserably, something which Starscream seemed to find both hilarious and exacerbating at once. 'Come here,' the Decepticon finally said irritably after a minute of watching him struggle. 'Useless child.'

'No,' Sam said sulkily. 'Stop laughing at me.'

'Would you prefer to leave here with your flabby fleshy abdomen hanging out?'

'_Flabby_!' cried the young man, healthy hand resting protectively over it, 'I'm not flabby!'

Starscream cackled. 'You won't be so pathetic by the time the Autobots return, I promise you.'

'What's that supposed to mean?' he asked warily.

'Honestly,' Starscream said, 'as if I can let you wander around in that state. It's horrific.'

Sam wilted. 'Horrific? That bad?'

'Your flesh is all everywhere. If it's fleshy you are, you should at least endeavour not to be soft and fleshy. Better to be-' and here he seemed to pause in search of a word- 'muscular.'

'I have muscles,' Sam protested. 'They're just-'

'Completely pathetic.'

'Well you _cheat_. You don't even have to train to keep fit.'

Starscream snorted at him. 'How little you know. Now get over here, flab.'

'Doing a shirt up one-handedly is _hard_,' Sam protested as he shuffled over. 'I bet you've never had to do it.'

'How hard can it be?' Starscream asked nonchalantly.

A minute later he was still eyeing the buttons suspiciously. 'Why are they so small and fiddly?'

'Not as easy as it looks,' Sam said triumphantly.

'Enough from you, adipose.' Starscream jabbed him hard in the stomach to make him catch his breath- the human tottered backwards and tripped over the conveniently placed bed where he flailed in the sheets, drowning in his failings. 'No, no, up! _Stop_! Stay there,' the alien commanded relentlessly until Sam was finally seated on the edge of the bed. 'Your shifting would irritate me anyway if you stood.' He knelt, flexed his fingers and got to work.

From this close proximity and angle, Sam could see faint silver markings all over Starscream's not-skin.

'What are they?' he asked curiously. 'Those lines?'

'They are not _lines_,' Starscream said shortly, 'they are etchings. In languages you would not understand with meanings you would not appreciate.'

'What do they say, then?'

The Air Commander refused to say anything more. That is actually a very mild way of saying his lip curled, exposing what looked dangerously like a far-too-sharp canine (_fang_, that's what it was) with a low growl: Sam perceived a touchy subject.

The doctor from before came in whilst the Seeker was finishing buttoning and muttering about idiocies- he smiled as though he had just disturbed some display of brotherly affection. 'How do we feel today, Mr Witwicky?'

_He_ couldn't see Starscream's face; the alien's back faced him. Sam could see it very well however, and as the man spoke, the Decepticon's eyes were slowly raised from the final button to his own.

It was a clear warning.

'Just great,' Sam lied, despite thinking he _really_ shouldn't be up and about. He still felt a bit unsteady, and-

'I assume I can take him now,' Starscream was saying smoothly as he rose- having finished his ministrations- and neatly spinning to face the doctor.

'He could be discharged- but I would rather keep him here for observation-'

'He will recover more efficiently at home,' Starscream insisted. 'He gets very distressed.'

'We could send somebody around to check on his progress, just to be sure-'

'Doctors only exacerbate his condition,' the liar continued smoothly. 'He is so nervous. But the offer is greatly appreciated.'

'Well then Mr Witwicky,' the man said, 'if you'll just sign here you can go home.'

With shaking hand, Sam signed his life away. The scrawl achieved looked nothing like his normal signature, actually. Couldn't they tell these things, tell he was being manipulated? And why did he have to sign something, anyway? So when he died and his body was found- six weeks later half-consumed by likely rabid dogs and probably at the bottom of a lake- the hospital couldn't be blamed for it?

'Wonderful,' Starscream said charmingly with a predatory smile (_although Sam could see the sneer and distaste behind the layers of deceit and charisma, surely he wasn't the only one?)_, 'I am _so _pleased. You may leave; I am capable of assisting him now.'

Sam tried as hard as he could to communicate the wrongness of this all with just his eyes, but it was utterly fruitless: the vacant doctor left with a smile and a _'come back if you feel even slightly worse, Mr Witwicky', _and yet again he was left alone with a psychotic killer.

Empathy? He could try empathy.

'Please,' he begged of the mech, 'Don't- don't take me back-'

Starscream wasn't even looking at him.

'Look!' Sam cried, holding up his injured, bandaged arm with difficulty-

A low snarl erupted from the Decepticon, a brutal noise that no human could ever produce. '_Quiet_, boy!'

'I'm not safe with you,' Sam hissed, trying to stem the tightening of his throat as tears threatened. 'Let me go!'

You have two options,' Starscream said, completely ignoring him. 'Either you walk out of here or I... _aid_ you in walking out of here. Which would you prefer?'

Sam stammered miserably- by the narrowing of the not-hologram's eyes, this clearly this took far too long. 'Waitwait!' he rushed as the other began to move towards him, 'give me a second-' He hastily stood, stumbling slightly in his rush and scooping up his bag (_how_ had it gotten there?).

The alien clearly did not want to wait; he gave Sam a brief look before swiftly heading towards the open door. He didn't pass through it though: Sam even charged straight into his solid back with a wince and a curse.

Starscream's head turned slowly. 'What is that?'

'What's what?'

'That small white material,' he continued, eyes definitely fixed on something. Sam followed his gaze in horror. 'It was not there previously.'

'I'm sure we don't need to worry- just some rubbish-'

The red-clad Decepticon was transfixed, though, and started to cross over to the object of interest, then hissed lowly. 'A _letter_, boy?'

'Wait!' Sam hurried once more, hurling himself between the being and the note and managing to snatch the paper up before Starscream could, 'I forgot- I need to give this to Leo-'

'Your male acquaintance?' Starscream asked icily. 'Perhaps I should read it.'

'It doesn't say anything about _you_,' Sam hastily added, 'why would I involve innocent people in this?'

Starscream's eyes focused on him intently for a moment. 'Because I have seen that one before, and I do not believe in coincidences.'

'No way?' Sam forced a laugh. 'We all look the same, probably you're mistaking-'

'I do not _make mistakes_.'

Not the right thing to say, then.

'Give it to me,' Starscream said. 'Give it to me immediately or I will take it from you.'

Downcast, Sam's eyes fell to the ground, useless paper nestled in his hand. He'd not exactly expected the Decepticon to spot his letter; it had been tiny, inconspicuous. He'd gotten his hopes up a little high, it seemed. No rescue for Sam. 'I just want to go home,' he said quietly. 'I- I know you don't want me with you and I couldn't agree more- _why_ do I have to stay? What could you possibly want? Just- just leave me here and the Autobots will come for me- I promise I won't tell them anything- _please_, Starscream. Just let me _go_.'

The not-hologram was looking at him strangely, head cocked to one side, and Sam dared to hope once more as the silence extended and the mech thought.

Eventually the Air Commander spoke. 'I have my orders,' he said almost softly, then: 'Rip that into pieces where you stand and I shall not pursue the matter further.'

The human was suddenly reminded of the letter; glancing at it only once, he slowly shredded it.

'It is forgotten,' Starscream said distantly as the floor was littered with a snowstorm of paper scraps. 'Now the free must be recaptured.'

'I was never free,' Sam said bitterly, heading through the door.

'True enough, but who claimed I specified _you_? Nowcomecomecome **on**,' Starscream snapped with a sudden return to his obnoxious self, giving Sam a small push and propelling him at least six foot further down the corridor, 'I don't have all day to act as your personal shepherd.'

'You can only go as fast as your slowest team member,' the teenager declared valiantly, summoning a brilliant conclusion: 'So _there_.'

The Seeker laughed huskily. 'You'll be surprised to know how fast someone can go once they're bullied properly.'

Sam was overtaken then, with a gesture commanding him to follow, and after a minute or two of corridorcorridorcorridor- he looked around desperately for Leo but no such luck- they reached a reception and then the blinding white light of freedom. Well, not quite freedom, but outside, certainly.

'Where _are_ we going?' Sam asked wearily.

'That way,' Starscream said without turning.

'That's so unhelpful.'

'If you weren't so slow you would see me pointing with an eyebrow.'

Sam's delirious mind thrust him into a world where Starscream's eyebrow quirked off his face and danced like some sort of Disney animation- this was shattered as the not-hologram snapped a finger and thumb in his face.

'To _Soundwave_, meaningless life form.'

'I'm not meaningless!'

'Very well,' Starscream said, 'life form of a far less meaningful status than I, proceed to Soundwave.'

Sam peered around the few cars and quite quickly located the mentioned not-hologram (perhaps he was developing some alien-sensors). The second Decepticon strode towards them briskly, and Sam kept walking stupidly until he realised Starscream had stopped some time ago.

'Boys,' Soundwave said once within hearing distance, and oddly enough it didn't sound like a name for once. It was- almost _fond_-? No, Sam dismissed the ridiculous notion in time to hear the mech continue. 'All the same, it seems.'

'Oi!' he said as Soundwave distinctly moved towards him, 'get away!'

The telepath ignored Sam's pathetic attempts to block him with his good arm, gloved hands reaching for the human's neck.

'He's trying to kill me!' Sam wailed to no one in particular, trying to dive backwards. Instead he collided with a very solid and unimpressed Starscream, who was watching incredulously.

'What on Cybertron _are _you doing?' he asked as Sam froze, accepting his doom.

'Boy is scruffy,' Soundwave finally explained as he firmly gripped the teen's shirt collar. 'Soundwave is tidying.'

'Excuse _me_,' Starscream said icily, 'This is not scruffiness. This is socially superior.'

'Call it what you will,' Soundwave said, fastening the top button and stepping back to review his handiwork, 'Soundwave disapproved.'

'No, no no,' Starscream scowled, sliding around Sam and immediately undoing it, 'Soundwave, you simply possess _no _conception of style.'

'Function!' Soundwave insisted, pointing a gloved finger at the other alien. 'Function over style, Seeker.'

'Shame you have neither,' Starscream sneered.

'The boy must be tidy,' Soundwave declared primly.

'He was tidy before,' Starscream defended, 'with a hint of fashion, you anal-'

Sam ran.

Okay, so it wasn't the best idea he'd ever had- but sometimes you just had to go on instinct, right?

This was not one of those times apparently; within five thudding steps Soundwave had materialised in front of him, one hand half-raised, but from behind there was a tight grip on his own upper arm.

Sam miserably turned to see Starscream practically vibrating with amusement.

'Really?' the alien asked derisively. 'You think you can escape so easily?'

Soundwave adjusted his glasses. 'Boy could be confused.'

'I'm not _confused_!' the human snapped. 'Stop patronising me!'

The Communications Officer fixed him with an impassive, intimidating stare.

'Do you want to know why our master isn't collecting you himself?' Starscream hissed directly into his ear.

'Because he has idiots who do things for him?' Sam snapped.

'Because he isn't sure he could repress his desire to kill all of your fleshy fellows when in close proximity to them,' the Seeker snarled. 'So unless you _want _Soundwave or I to call him _all the way_ out here to deal with you, I suggest you behave.'

'Starscream: model of ideal behaviour,' Soundwave commented.

Even Sam couldn't miss the icy looks the two were shooting each other. 'Did I miss something?'

'Starscream can hardly tell boy to behave,' the third-in-command continued.

One of Starscream's fists was slowly clenching. 'At least I'm not a pathetic _dog_, Soundwave. At least I don't roll over to do his bidding. You disgust me!'

'Not your place to question.'

'Yes it _is_-' Despite the incredible detail, Sam was abruptly reminded of the holograms when Starscream's shimmered slightly as he hissed. 'It is exactly what he needs, and if you were an actual mech then you would do the same!'

'Liability!' Soundwave insisted. 'Reckless, self-serving-'

'I may have many talents but listening to your insulting prattle is not one of them- wait, what's that?' Starscream sneered suddenly. 'Oh, it's my social standing. I'm second in command, second to who? So unfortunately not to _Soundwave_. That must mean you're below me, somewhere in a place you'll stay for Primus knows how long. Fitting. If I must order you to shut up, then I will.'

'If Starscream has to do that then evidently Soundwave speaks the truth,' the telepath returned infuriatingly.

'So help you!' the red-clad not-hologram shrieked, voice actually breaking much like a teenage boy. 'Fight me, Soundwave, if you're mech enough.'

Sam glanced between them, tension strung taut in the very air as the Seeker completely stilled and Soundwave's glasses twitched minutely. 'Orders are to retrieve boy,' he said after a long moment.

'Obviously,' Starscream scoffed. 'But be sure my gracious offer continues standing.'

Soundwave's forehead creased into anger. 'Orders are to retrieve boy,' he repeated. 'No time limit. No restriction.' The Seeker's eyes narrowed in understanding as he added one last comment. 'One rule.'

'No surface damage,' Starscream said delicately. 'That I can understand. My beauty cannot be marred.'

Soundwave had more been considering avoiding his commander's sure reaction to them attacking each other, but he also thought Starscream was well aware of this himself. Bravado always hid uncertainty. 'More difficult, but more rewarding.'

'Let's see if you can even _land _a blow before you act so confidently.'

Sam spoke up loudly, thinking it better to remind them of a) their priority and b) the potential for civilian injury. 'Just stand here, shall I?'

'Of course not,' Starscream said.

'Suggestion: be productive,' Soundwave offered completely unhelpfully.

_How_?

'I don't have my knitting with me,' Sam snapped. 'So I'm stuck for things to do. How long are you going to be?'

'Until Starscream recognises Soundwave's superiority.'

The Air Commander stretched his arms sinuously. 'On such a thread, I remind you of our dissimilar but accurate ranking. Insubordination, _third_?'

'Starscream agreed to altercation,' the trenchcoated not-human replied, and if he was unsure of himself at all he hid it well.

'Boy, get on your way.'

A dismissal, was it? Rude. _Rude_. Sam thought he probably knew where the Decepticon base was from here, actually. He remembered (_a lifetime ago)_ when the Autobots had driven past this place on their way to dropping him off. He'd looked at it from inside 'bee, thought it odd that a hospital existed in literally the middle of nowhere.

And, when he thought about it more, Sam was completely sure that there was no other civilisation. This was his only contact with humanity, with sanity- briefly he considered running back inside, begging to recheck in and just have some more time with _real people_ or even call the Autobots and plead with them to come for him- surely once they found out about this they'd have to come for him- he'd even be happy just to sit on an uncomfortable plastic chair and just _wait_ there, accept weak drinks and pasty foods- yet Starscream's threat echoed back to him. _He isn't sure he could repress his desire to kill_- and Sam knew for a certainty that he couldn't return, not when innocent lives were at stake.  
It would be futile anyway; the Decepticons would notice.

So carefully, on the opposite shoulder to his injuries, he slung his light bag onto his back and started trudging resignedly, wearily in the right direction.

* * *

Two hours later, he was still walking along the dusty road-track. He wasn't exactly sure where the base was- _Perhaps there'll be a sign_, a little voice said in his head. 'Perhaps,' he replied aloud- and he wasn't entirely sure what Starscream and Soundwave were doing. Occasionally he could hear far-off clashes in the sky, other times just furious electronic 'conversation', if shouting could ever be conversation.

Surely confrontations didn't take this long? He didn't particularly want to talk to them and he wasn't particularly worried for their welfare, but it was unnerving to know that two giant beings were battling over your head somewhere.

Perhaps they weren't fighting.

They were playing some sort of Cybertronian form of _rock paper scissors_- yes! Obviously.

Did Cybertronians use scissors? Sam's mind presented him with a brief image of a playful Bumblebee charging at a mock-horrified Optimus with a large yellow pair snip-snapping away. Ratchet immediately confiscated and replaced them with safety scissors before patting the scout on the helm kindly.

'The kind that never work,' Sam noted mournfully, thinking of the hideous plastic creations.

The imaginings disappeared as promptly as they had come, and the young man realised it was probably slightly worrying that he actually felt a bit miserable about it. What did it say about his life when such a short, _fictional_ glimpse of the Autobots meant so much to him?

A sudden roaring of engines cut through his musings before a jet thundered overhead- Sam ducked reflexively, but it shot into the distance faster than his eye could follow.

Was he being left to walk _the whole way_ alone? Well, that was fine. He'd just die somewhere on the roadside with no way of knowing where to go. Lovely. The sun was quite hot, actually, he was probably going to burn up into a crisp and his remains would quickly decompose, disintegrate until he was indistinguishable from the dirt. They'd never know what had happened to him. Maybe one day everyone would talk about The Mystery of Sam Witwicky. They might make a film! He'd be as famous as the Bermuda Triangle. Sam glared at the sun, instantly regretting it as bright colours bobbled across his vision. But oh how yellow the sun was!

'Oh 'bee,' he said aloud mournfully, thinking of other yellow things, 'I miss you!'

He imagined a soft growling engine approaching from behind, come to take him away. There'd even be _air conditioning_.

Ah yes, it came closer and closer, dirt crunching beneath beautiful plump tyres, gently purring-

Hang on.

Bumblebee's engine did not purr, it growled.

Were his imagination and memory so defunct and depraved they couldn't work together on something so simple? Sam scowled with irritation and turned to glare at rubbish-Bumblebee, then stumbled backwards with a flail of surprise.

A sleek dark blue sporty vehicle slowed beside him, driver's door opening invitingly- no, oh god- _temptingly_ considering his own legs felt as heavy as Ironhide's cannons. But there was something in Sam that riled at the thought of getting in, and so stubbornly he continued to walk. With painstaking slowness, Soundwave rolled alongside him insistently.

'Thanks, but no thanks,' Sam said finally, disturbed by the crawling Decepticon, 'rather not.'

'Reasoning?' the Communications Officer prompted, voice eerily emanating from his speakers.

'Because you're not Bumblebee,' the young man said. 'You're not Optimus Prime and you're not an _Autobot_.'

'Obviously,' Soundwave said. 'Soundwave is Soundwave. How can Soundwave be anyone else?'

'I don't trust or like murderous scum!' Sam shouted in frustration despite his weariness, 'Why don't you get it? None of you get it!'

'Soundwave will not hurt boy-'

'Not the point! Besides you _do_ hurt me,' the human continued furiously, jabbing manically at his well-bandaged arm. 'Just look at this!'

'Boy should not walk further,' Soundwave abruptly said, 'boy is irritable from lack of energy.'

And with that, tentacles shot out of his undercarriage- looped around Sam's limbs- and thrust him inside.

After the initial panic and realising he wasn't going to be molested, he managed to blurt out '_Getyourtentaclesaway_!'.

The appendages were slowly retracted (far far too slowly, as if there was some reluctance), and Sam started breathing again in a wheezy gasping rush. He would have protested further at his mistreatment, protested _violently_, maybe even rebelliously scraped his nails across the plush upholstery, but they were just too stubby and bitten. He could bite the seat?

But the seat didn't really deserve biting, it was all smooth and nice and leathery. Not like Bumblebee's, whose were more racing-practical and less plushy. But _infinitely better_, Sam reminded himself, _Soundwave sucks_.

'Starscream,' Soundwave suddenly said with an undisputable disapproval, 'orders were to deliver boy to Megatron. Explain your disappearance.'

There was a pause before a screechy Cybertronian language burst back through the radio. '**_Are you incapable of doing that alone?_**'

Soundwave hummed lowly as an uncomprehending Sam squirmed in discomfort at the penetrating sound.

**_'You can deliver him_**,' Starscream spat. '**_I_ _have better things to do, such as kick Ravage or verbally abuse Rumble_**.'

The Communications Officer noticeably stiffened, seats almost quivering in distaste, and continued on through the afternoon, driving and driving and the boredom never ended. Sam had never been _bad_ with long-distance journeys; he'd been fine with amusing himself pre-Autobot era with handheld consoles or his iPod, been happy to talk to his alien friends if they were driving him somewhere. But honestly there was only so long you could stare at an unchanging landscape for, and Sam refused to talk to Soundwave. Creep. If he were in any normal situation, he might have closed his eyes, but this was not an option, not with _tentacles_ around. God only knew what could happen.

Eventually they were navigating through the cold corridors of the base- Sam lost count of the doors and turns, and eventually completely gave up. There was an aching exhaustion within his very soul, and he wanted nothing more than to give in and sleep. This he could not do, however, not with such unpredictability constantly around him.

His eyelids were growing heavy by the time Soundwave reached his final door- and when it opened, he sat bolt upright. A familiar huge mech strode towards them immediately, silver arm outstretched demandingly.

Sam was dimly about to wonder what for when Soundwave transformed _without warning_ and deposited him into Megatron's claws- he hastily clung onto one to be sure he wasn't about to fall to his doom.

'-Primus,' the commander was saying, using one claw to touch Sam's face gently with immense control and Sam would think it was almost tender if it wasn't Megatron and that wasn't a stupid thing to think.

He was definitely too tired to resist attention today, and so with accepting reluctance he simply yawned.

'He cannot speak?' Megatron demanded. 'He opens his mouth but does not speak?'

'Sign of human fatigue,' Soundwave commented. 'Quite ordinary. Permission to leave, master?'

'Granted,' the commander said softly, now visually examining Sam's bandaged arm.

The human feebly tried to pull his limb away as a claw touched it- sure that too much pressure would be applied- but the touch was incredibly light, and other than being manhandled he could not really find fault with it. In fact, if he closed his eyes he could almost pretend-

'I see Starscream is invisible today,' Megatron said unexpectedly as Soundwave was a step from the door.

The mech turned, frowning slightly. 'Starscream: already departed, my lord.'

'That's as may be,' Megatron said with infinite calm, 'but I sent both of you to collect the boy. I expect both of you to return to me, and I expect both of you to exhibit self-control. I do not expect you to engage in combat with each other, endangering not only our pretence of absence but also the boy. As high-ranking lieutenants, I had thought this not beyond you both.'

His tone had grown increasingly dangerous, even though it exercised no less composure; Sam couldn't repress the trembling that had suddenly taken hold.

This did not escape the alien's notice. 'If you behave, boy, there is no need to be frightened.'

'I've done nothing wrong,' Sam whispered. 'I never deserved any of this-'

'Now now,' Megatron said smoothly, 'there will be no more _unpleasantness_.'

Whether it was intended as a threat or not, it certainly sounded like one. Sam's slightly foggy mind drifted into a thick muggy silence, which seemed safer. Was he still under effects of sedation, he wondered, or was this just exhaustion setting in?

Soundwave bowed lowly. 'Apologies, master.'

'You and Starscream have some painful lessons to learn,' Megatron said quietly. 'Be sure I will teach you them when the boy is not present_._'

And Soundwave must have left then, but it was quite hard for Sam to focus on anything in particular; it took a moment longer than it should have done to realise in a muggy way he was left alone with Megatron again. Had he realised sooner, he could have tried to get Soundwave to stay- Soundwave hadn't hurt him-

Megatron seemed to like the pliancy of this foggy Sam, if the incessant touching was anything to go by.

'Get 'way,' he mumbled feebly, unable to work up the effort required to be angry.

But the huge Decepticon did not get away, nor even gave any indication that he had heard.

'Sleep,' Megatron ordered instead, peering at him closely.

'No,' Sam said in as defiant a voice as he could muster.

'I am not putting you down,' the commander responded, 'so to refuse is futile and will be short-lived.'

What was his problem? He'd have to put Sam down at some point, he had to have something else to do. He couldn't just stand like a goof the whole night long.

Actually, this was Megatron. He probably could.

'You are safe,' the silver mech nearly _crooned,_ 'be still, _rest_.'

If Megatron was human, Sam suddenly thought, this would verge on paedophilia. Slowly he curled up around his bandaged arm and hand awkwardly, trusting that he wouldn't suddenly be dropped to his death.

Then, far too quickly for his liking, he felt himself succumbing to the darkness of sleep. Megatron was still talking a little, but he didn't really care. It wouldn't be important.

'_You are **home**._'

* * *

It seemed to be Sam's fate to be surrounded by voices infinitely deeper and more masculine than his own. He was awoken by such a voice: 'Is sleeping this much normal?' Megatron (instantly recognisable now) was demanding of someone.

Sam peered through his eyelashes, challenging himself to identify who the other mech was without fully opening his eyes.

_(God, how far he'd fallen.)_

'I assume it is a mixture of normal tiredness and the remaining sedatives,' Starscream replied, gesturing at him.

With a jolt, Sam remembered he was curled up in Megatron's hand. _Still_? What a joke. He'd probably been watched all night or something, creepy bloke that the commander was.

'Yeah,' the human said, slowly sitting up and twisting to try and relieve an unpleasant tightness in his spine, 'and maybe having to _walk_ for about fifty years of my life.'

Megatron's helm slowly turned to look at Starscream.

He blustered. 'Such exaggeration humans are prone to-!'

'Much like a certain mech I know,' the commander returned coolly.

'I'm not exaggerating anything!' Sam declared stubbornly.

Starscream fixed him with an incredulous glare. 'You claim you walked for _fifty years_?'

'Well, maybe a bit. But it was _ages_!'

'Ah, I see it so clearly now,' Megatron suddenly said. '_Now_ it makes sense. How far did the boy travel by himself whilst you and Soundwave abused my instruction and charge?'

'Exercise is paramount for human health,' Starscream reasoned quickly. 'It did not harm him.'

'Look, I want to speak to the Autobots,' Sam said, fully aware that the Decepticons held his only means of communication. He was not above begging. 'Please?'

'But you have us to speak to,' Megatron said. 'Starscream, go away. I am talking with the boy now and your presence is unnecessary.'

'I hardly exist just to please you,' the Air Commander retorted before adding hastily and somewhat venomously, 'glorious master. Of course I shall leave your joyous reunion untainted by my wholly unworthy presence.' And with that, away he stalked. Megatron placed Sam carefully on a high surface.

Sam was actually fed up of high surfaces; they left no way to escape. How could he run away on such a perilously high place?

He was oblivious at that moment though, too busy trying to convince Megatron that communicating with the Autobots was imperative. 'Nonono, this isn't anything to do with the great conversations we have- I just want to let them know how I am-'

'They know you're quite well,' the mech said cheerfully. 'I have told them so myself.'

'You _lied_ to them?' Sam demanded, dropping his complacent act. 'I'm not well!'

'They know everything,' Megatron replied evenly. 'And are quite content to continue leaving you in our care-'

'_Care?_' Sam roared. 'You wouldn't know _care_ if it stabbed you in the face!'

'I hardly think an abstract concept such as 'care' could stab me in the face.'

'Not the point!'

'There's **three things** you don't understand,' the human said, emphatically pointing and jabbing his arm about. 'Three things that I know right now more than anything, in no particular order. I want the Autobots. I **hate** you. And I am not your pet.'

'Funny,' Megatron said, in a tone that clearly said he was not amused at all. 'I am convinced of the opposite.'

'You think I don't hate you?' Sam asked. 'Ask yourself why I _wouldn't_ hate you.'

'I have never tried to hurt you,' the Decepticon Lord replied.

'Liar!' Sam spluttered, beginning to pace and throw his uninjured arm about. 'Mission City. You blew me off a building.'

'I wasn't trying to hurt you,' Megatron repeated. 'Simply scare you into handing me the Allspark.'

'You _blew me off a skyscraper,_' Sam reiterated. (A_pparently it hadn't been very clear, or something_).

'By accident!'

'Are you, or are you not supposed to be- real advanced?' the human demanded. 'Don't you have programs that work out trajectories and predicted damage and all that sorta stuff?'

'Perhaps I miscalculated.'

'You've-' here Sam bent his index and middle fingers into the Bunny-Ears Quoting Position- '_'miscalculated_' way too many times. Warehouse. You threw me onto a slab. You know I still feel that? Of course you didn't. I still feel an ache when I exercise too much. Happy?'

'I did not intend to.'

'For God's sake!' Sam cried, 'You wanted to rip my scalp open and dissect my brain! You think that wouldn't have hurt?'

'I think that I never told Scalpel he _could_ proceed,' Megatron said.

Sam scowled furiously. What exactly was the Decepticon trying to prove? 'How long were you gonna wait as his nasty little blade got closer to my face? Oh, and, uh, how about when you killed me? That seemed pretty intentional.'

'When did I kill you?'

'Egypt!' Sam shouted. 'You don't even remember?'

'I didn't kill you,' Megatron said. 'Perhaps it was friendly fire.'

'You bloody _liar_! I know full well it was you-'

'How can you be sure?'

'Because- because I know it,' Sam flustered.

'I didn't realise you died,' Megatron said, impressed. 'Then how are you alive-? ah, the Allspark. It could not let you die.'

'Primes,' Sam muttered. 'It was the Primes, actually.'

'All are one,' the mech replied cryptically. 'It is the same thing. Anyway, boy, enough of matters far beyond your comprehension.' He suddenly looked exceedingly pleased with himself.

'What?' Sam demanded half-despairingly, tensing.

'Are you unstimulated?'

(_Oh god._)

'I'm perfectly stimulated!' the human retorted quickly. 'Get your pervy mind away from my flesh.'

_(Even worse: now the Decepticon looked confused._)

'Pervy?'

Sam wondered if (_should he curl up into a foetal position and wish hard enough_) he could shrivel. Shrivelled humans didn't have to converse or deal with _this_ at all.

'Your bestial mind is once again in the gutter,' Megatron said before clicking his claws together in excitement. 'Did you hear that, boy? I utilised a human metaphor!'

'Bully for you.'

'You will give me a bully? I do not tolerate bullies,' the Decepticon replied. 'I am the only bully I tolerate.'

Sam felt his life slowly draining out of every orifice as he saw that one of the mech's hands seemed to be held slightly awkwardly. 'What did you want-? Wait, are you _holding_ something? I swear if it's a collar we are _over_.'

'Look, boy!' Megatron remembered with renewed enthusiasm and unfolded his claws, lowering his arm until it was at Sam's eye level. 'I found _this_.'

A tiny, brightly coloured cube sat in his metallic palm.

The size difference was so ridiculous Sam felt like crying/laughing/howling/any other extreme reaction, but instead he waited for a further prompt.

'Well?' Megatron persisted with his damnable single-minded determination. 'What is it?'

'Eh?' Sam explained articulately.

'An _eh_!'

'What- _no_! It's a Rubix cube.' A more pressing matter presented itself. 'How the hell did you get it?'

'I found it,' Megatron repeated proudly.

'Found? Where?' Images of a Rubix cube graveyard popped into his mind before the human recalled something more significant. 'These come with humans, Megatron- where is its human?'

Without hesitation, the giant mech reached towards him and prodded Sam's chest with the tips of his claws. Sam staggered back slightly, bringing his hands up to push the digits away-

The cube plopped into his hands.

'Here,' Megatron said. 'Its human is here.'

Sam thoughtfully looked at it. 'Did you kill anyone for it?'

'Certainly not.'

'Hurt anyone?'

'Not at all.'

'Steal?'

'I? Never.' As the Decepticon watched, the boy twisted his wrist about, clearly inspecting the cube. Considerately, Megatron refrained from telling the human that all he had done was simply roll up to a child in his tank form and point his cannon at them. He hadn't done it deliberately, but after all, weapons have to point somewhere, and it so happened the chubby fleshy cheeks of the aforementioned human had been magnificently warmed by the weapon. They'd run away but left the cube as some sort of appeasement, he presumed, though he hadn't understood what the creature was babbling as it fled.

Obviously he'd done nothing wrong but the boy was flighty and easily agitated. Whilst the commander did not take great pleasure in deceiving him, it was probably for the best; undoubtedly there were some unwritten but complex human social rules he had broken. Of course, being a Cybertronian, he did not have to adhere to these human ideals. Not that he was ever wrong in anything- he was _Megatron_- but as he couldn't abuse the boy, everything was rather unfair at the moment. Why shouldn't others suffer his disapproval?

Sam lowered the cube momentarily and jumped: two bright optics were dazzling him from at the most a metre away.

Fighting back the instinct to _run_, he held his ground. Megatron's eyes, he thought, were ever so minutely flicking between his face and the cube.

'What?'

'Its purpose,' Megatron said. 'What is it?'

'It's a- puzzle cube,' Sam tried.

'A _cube_?' You could practically _see_ the mech perk up.

'Not anything special like the Allspark,' Sam hastily added. 'Just really hard to solve, that's all. You have to get each side the same block of colour.'

'How? Do you remove the peely squares and reapply them?'

Despite his previous anger, Sam couldn't repress a disbelieving smile. 'No, Megatron, that's cheating. Look-' With a deft movement he twisted the object, moving the blocks.

'Oooh,' Megatron said, fixated on the moved colours. '_Oooh_.'

'Never been able to get it,' he said wistfully. 'There's some sort of knack to it but I never had the patience.'

'Then you must complete it,' the Decepticon commanded. 'The cube is yours; decode its secrets.'

'It doesn't have any.'

'Then what is its function?'

'Personal satisfaction.' Sam inspected the toy once more for tell-tale blood spatters.

Megatron looked slightly confused.

'You know- fun?'

'What fun can be gleaned from such an insignificant action?'

'I dunno,' Sam said, shrugging. 'I tend to get frustrated with them most of the time.'

But as the Decepticon Commander watched the boy scowl at the object (and somehow he knew that this was an engaged scowl, a _pleased_ look of concentration) he realised something: humans were insects, uninteresting, base; he had no time for their selfishness nor their narrow-minded concerns. But for some reason the boy,_ the boy_ was another matter. Despite initially receiving the alien with ulterior motives not yet fulfilled, Megatron had disturbingly become fond of the small presence. He was _tolerable_, amusing, oddly rewarding. He was special_; _warranted close examination and even attention.

And by Cybertron, the boy would not be taken from him.

* * *

**Reviews make me smiiiile. (:**


	10. CASHMERE

**LOOK I'M ALIVE STILL :D Only just though, this chapter was an absolutely hideous one to write! I'm now going to curl up and think of happy things.  
**

**Oh, and artistic licence allows me to have apple trees in the middle of random grassy areas. Screw the rules, I have money!**

**Ah, to anon _Tasha_: I think I'd better not say the answer out in public! Not because I'm feeling mean (_mwhahaha)_, but just because I feel it's better if you form your own interpretation; as you indicated, there are a couple of different ways to read it. Unless you truly want to know ****what I think**, in which case we'll have to work out a more private way to communicate. (;

******And to everyone, I surely hope ye enjoy the _whatever-it-is_ within this chappie!**

* * *

Sam abruptly woke to find Megatron staring at him and a too-pointy claw jabbing him in the side.

'Boy, _boy_, boy, boy, _boo-y-_'

'What?' the teenager interrupted blearily, shrinking back from the intruding digit and protectively covering his bandaged arm.

The mantra stopped. 'You were boring me.'

'I- you woke me up for _nothing_?' Oh, he was definitely up now.

'I woke you so that you could be less tiresome. What profit do I gain from you if you are boring me? You should be grateful that I've helped you become less tedious.'

'I was **_sleeping_**!'

'You _are_ an astute one.'

'Megatron, that isn't fair- I _need_ sleep in order to- to _function_ properly. '

The commander considered this. 'And lack of sleep provokes which consequence?'

'General rage and irritation. And I'll snap at you and hurt your feelings.'

'I am _Megatron, _what need have I of feelings?' Megatron jabbed at Sam again as he yawned. 'No sleeping, boy.'

'I wasn't-' Sam broke off, unwilling to try and complicate matters further by trying to explain yawning. He wouldn't succeed, after all.

'I know you lot don't really do _sleep_, but you _do_ something like it-'

'I don't,' Megatron declared grandly, 'I am _Megatron_ and such things are weakness.'

The human narrowed his eyes suspiciously. 'I've definitely seen you-'

'You certainly have not. I was clearly being kind and waiting for you to awaken.'

'Well, it doesn't do the Autobots any harm.'

'Then they're lazy!'

''bee does it when he's got to be quiet,' Sam insisted, 'otherwise Mom'd beat him. He's not _lazy_-'

'"'bee"? What is this "'bee"?' the Decepticon demanded.

Surely Megatron knew him. '…Bumblebee? Autobot?'

'The yellow runt!' Megatron remembered after a think. 'As slovenly as they come. '

'Don't you insult him!' Sam ordered angrily. That wouldn't be stood for.

'His designation is perfectly adequate; why ruin and shorten it?'

'It's just quicker sometimes. And it's- it's affectionate. I know some of your lot do it anyway, don't try and fool me-'

'Why, by the same ruling you would have to call me _Mega.'_

There was a short silence whilst Sam died inside and searched around for something to end his physical life with.

'Hm,' Megatron let out slowly, approvingly. 'I _like_ it.'

'I don't,' Sam gabbled hurriedly, wondering if he could papercut his wrists to death. 'It's just far too obvious, don't you think?'

'How might it be… _obvious_?'

The teenager gripped his short hair in exasperation, eyes psychotically wide. 'Because- because it's already a word, right, and it just sounds really boastful-'

'No no,' the commander reassured smoothly, 'it is not boastful. It is simply factual.'

'Don't you think sometimes there's a need for subtlety?' Sam tried desperately.

Megatron laughed loudly. 'Now you sound like _Starscream._' He paused then, with a sudden dark frown._ '_I don't like that- stop it.'

Could he actually divert the Decepticon's attention away from that hideous moniker?

'I'm hungry,' Sam complained abruptly. It was true at least, so he didn't need to fake his famished grimace.

'Good,' Megatron replied obliviously, poking at him again. 'I'm pleased.'

'No, I mean I need _food_!'

'So you say; tell me more.'

'Are you even _listening_?' Sam demanded with a flail.

'Riveted.'

'I need to eat,' he tried again.

'Eat what?'

'_Food_.'

'Very quaint!' Megatron chucked him under the chin; Sam gagged and fell backwards.

'Chopping my windpipe is _mean_-'

'I did not chop your windpipe; it is very much still intact, boy. Your exaggeration knows no boundaries!' The mech tapped his throat again.

'I could say the same for your stupidity!' Sam wheezed.

Fortunately for the human, he didn't quite manage to say this because he was too busy choking.

Unfortunately for the human, by the time he'd recovered enough to do anything, he could do absolutely nothing about the fact he'd once more been hoisted into Megatron's grip whilst the mech paced out of his room.

And down the corridor.

And out of the base.

And in fact, on Megatron strode with a whistle here and there for a good ten minutes- apart from when they entered grassland and he felt compelled to snarl at some innocent wildlife- whilst Sam obstinately maintained his silence.

He did so quite admirably during the whole journey- in fact, he managed to restrain himself until they reached their apparent destination. It was obvious when this was reached; Sam was dropped onto the grassy ground- and no matter how his flailing stomach might protest at the sudden change in velocity, it was a fairly steady landing. He glanced up at Megatron and found the Transformer already staring back.

Oh, he knew that look.

'What?' he asked suspiciously/wearily/with great trepidation.

'Ascend this tree,' Megatron demanded.

'_What_?' Sam incredulously turned and saw that a tree was indeed right beside him.

'This foliage,' Megatron repeated, gesturing. 'Ascend it.'

Sam stamped his foot, though the impact was muffled and therefore ruined somewhat by the long, somewhat bouncy grass. 'No!'

'Is it a hard tree to scale?'

Sam did not think that was the point _at all. '_Megatron, why would I climb a tree_?'_

'Well,' the mech answered indignantly- as though offended by the boy's lack of appreciation- 'you are a primate.'

'Humans have evolved beyond _living in trees_!' Sam yelled, pointing aggressively at the poor undeserving foliage. 'Have you _ever_ seen me in a tree?'

'I did not claim that trees were your natural habitation,' Megatron pointed out. 'Simply that you might like to scale one.'

'I do _not_.'

'Oh,' the Decepticon said. 'Well, how disappointing. I had not thought this beyond your abilities.'

'Wh- I _could_ climb it, I just don't want to.'

Megatron actually shrugged nonchalantly. 'I believe you.'

'You are _mind-screwing_ with me!' Sam realised furiously. 'I don't need to prove it to you or anyone else, I _know_ I could do it.'

'If you climb it, I will find you food.'

The Decepticon could blackmail, what a surprise. Or was it bribery? 'Not doing it,' Sam said stubbornly. 'I don't want to.'

The giant alien considered him briefly. 'Your lack of strength and repeated denials do not convince me you could.' With that, his claws swooped down towards Sam; the human was stomach-heavingly swept up and through the air towards the tree. Was Megatron going to splat him against it?

'Sam, Sam, Sam of the jungle- look out for that tree!' the teenager howled, trying to scrabble backwards and failing. The end was coming! He scrunched up his eyes, unwilling to die by bark.

But instead, soon he felt the roughness of the material scratching against his face. Unwillingly he looked and found himself pressed against the tree. Very nice too. Then Megatron moved once more, and Sam was hovering above a fairly thin branch.

The claws pincering his jacket shook him slightly- impatience?- and Sam reluctantly clung onto the trunk.

'That branch isn't strong enough!' he wailed, hugging the tree with arms and legs like some sort of retarded koala bear. 'It won't hold me-'

'Of course it will.'

The claws released his clothes then, and Sam was left to cling by feeble muscles alone- already they burned, and he felt increasinglyheavy. 'Megatron, _what_ is the point? Help out here, please-'

'What a display of your manners!' the Decepticon said with a faint air of disturbing pride. Even more disturbingly, the back of a claw ruffled his hair. Still disturbingly, Sam could not escape. You may in fact be surprised to find out that it was turning out to be one of those disturbing days, but I promise you it's true.

'This is mean- could you just help me back down?' Sam asked the bark, mouth crushed against it attractively.

'I have been extremely generous,' Megatron said. 'Next time you shall climb the foliage completely by yourself.'

'**_Next_**_ time?_'

'For now you can simply practice,' he continued. 'You must descend-'

'But getting down is always harder! And you can't get down unless it's Friday, and it's so not possible!' Sam shrieked, attempting to fling himself back onto Megatron's hand. It was a doomed attempt for two reasons; one being that he couldn't really _fling _anyway considering he was using all of his might not to fall and die, and secondly the mech moved too swiftly away, and he was completely abandoned in the tree. '_Megatron_!'

'Call me _Mega_ and I will consider it.'

'Screw yourself!'

'I contain no screws, silly boy. Climb down or you shall remain in the tree.'

Sam glared up in frustration. Something caught his eye though, something green and roundish and shiny. Something he hadn't seen in an extremely long time, and by _god above_ it tempted with its… shininess. With a sudden energy fuelled by determination, he shimmied up the trunk of the tree towards his prize, inch by inch.

After a whole three minutes he'd risen a whole seven inches, but it would be enough, enough to reach and haul himself onto that sturdyish branch there- and then he could reach out and it was tantalisingly close-

Sam nearly sobbed in happiness as the apple dropped into his palm, even collapsing onto his branch.

A real apple.

It wasn't plastic. It wasn't metal. It wasn't even a hallucination! No, this was the real deal, and right now he would have his cake and eat it.

'What are you doing?'

Oh yes, Megatron was there, wasn't he. Sam spared him a weary glance (even from his new seat, his eye-level didn't even reach Megatron's upper leg).

'I am going to have my cake and eat it!' Sam declared delightedly. Not even _he_ could ruin this moment!

'That isn't a cake,' Megatron said bemusedly, showing uncanny baking knowledge. 'Cakes do not grow on trees.'

Sam used a quick finger motion to show the commander where he could stick his inane mumblings, and the fruit headed towards his rejoicing mouth.

'Boy, no!' Megatron snarled, claws pincering the apple and attempting to pull it away.

'Hey- get off!' Sam tugged once then lurched backwards as the fruit literally _smooshed_ into pulpy fragments. 'Megatron, you ass-clown-'

'It could have been poisonous, idiotic boy.'

'Poison- it's an _apple!_' Sam inspected the goop on his hands. 'It _was_ an apple-' He rubbed his eyes in frustration, then stopped immediately once he felt damp muck spread across his skin but too late- 'Argghh, apple in my eyes, apple in my eyes-' Quickly he blinked, then attempted to wipe his unhappy eyes with the back of his hand.

'I told you it was dangerous!' Megatron declared triumphantly.

'Only because of _you_!' Sam accused wildly, '_Your_ fault I have apple-eyes-'

'Quickly, do you see it?' the commander hissed excitedly.

'What?' Sam returned dumbly, peering away through bleary apple-filled eyes.

'Catch one!' Megatron ordered with disturbing enthusiasm.

'Excuse me?'

'You said you required food,' the mech said cheerfully. 'Behold an energy source prancing before you. You must be stealthy to sneak up on it.'

The human wearily looked around from his perch and saw a deer prancing about near a bush.

'You cannot be serious.'

'Deadly. You must be too, boy. I am sure your instincts will kick in shortly. Your progenitors must have taught you these skills by now.'

'_What _are you on?' Sam demanded despairingly. 'My parents don't hunt! We're not cavemen- we don't wave spears and chant or attack each other- and whilst we're on the subject, I hope you told Starscream and Soundwave off for violence-'

'Do not trouble your tiny inadequate mind,' Megatron said in a patronisingly kind manner. 'They both have been dealt with accordingly.'

'You mean you beat them up?'

'My discipline is as harsh as the extremity of the behaviour, and they were only playing,' Megatron said.

'_Playing_!'

'I do attempt to quell their ongoing conflict but am apparently unsuccessful. It is very unseemly.'

'"**_Unseemly_**_"?_' Sam repeated loudly. 'Dangerous, you mean! Life-threatening-'

'They do not threaten your life, boy!' Megatron's conviction was palpable; he sounded even cross, as if this thought was completely ridiculous.

'Hell yes they do! _You_ threaten my life though you say you don't mean to- obviously you're just being all deceptively ninja assassin or something-'

'I would never deceive you.'

'Oh thanks. Why don't I believe you?' He tapped his chin thoughtfully before thrusting the finger in Megatron's direction with a triumphant shout. 'Ah wait, it's because you're a _Decepticon_ and you love killing people!'

'There is no need to deceive a simple life form such as yours. There is no enjoyment in it at all; in fact, one who would try and manipulate mankind is obviously deficient in the processor if they can do no better.'

'Well, _surely_ you need to sort them out!' Sam cried frustatedly, deciding to return to the original point. 'Have they no discipline? Can't you tell them what not to do- don't they **listen** to you?' He saw Megatron's optics narrow; a sore point, then. 'Are they out of your control?' he pressed, determined if nothing else to irritate the Decepticon. He deserved it, after all. ''cause if you can't control them we've got serious beef- I can't stay if I'm in any danger at all-'

Claws clenched with a harsh scraping sound; the Decepticon even raised a silver lip and uttered a low growl.

'So you admit you can't control them! What sort of commander are you?' the teenager continued suicidally.

'I suggest that you cease _prattling_,' Megatron said threateningly, his voice nearly a snarl.

'So why are you acting so weird with all this tree and deer nonsense?' Sam demanded hastily, sensing immediate danger. 'This is weird even for you.'

Temper-tantrum seemingly averted: '...I have been doing some research.'

Sam refrained from making a sarcastic comment and _tried_ to have a relatively friendly conversation (or as friendly as it could be when you were being terrorised by a hideously large and powerful lunatic). 'What on?'

The mech paused for a moment.

Sam thought he recognised the look; if he wasn't mistaken (and he shouldn't be, for he had seen it _many_ times recently), it was the concentrated appearance of Careful Avoidance of Sam's Hated Megatronisms or Explicitly Ridiculous Expressions- or CASHMERE, as he himself preferred to call it. Seeing that effort was being made to avoid hurting his feelings, the human figured it was only polite to be patient.

'Your stay hasn't been overly exciting or stimulating,' Megatron finally said.

'Ho,' Sam choked abruptly on a disbelieving snigger, 'It's been plenty eventful. Lots have happened, thanks.' He paused infinitesimally as a terrifying thought hit him. 'You- you don't mean to say you've planned something exciting, have you? Dear god, I don't think I'm up for that Megatron- you know, it's quite fine here just as it _is_, any more excitement and I might actually-'

'Fear not, I have planned nothing,' the Decepticon soothed. 'In the midst of my research, I simply realised that you were not being entertained enough, or being presented with the means to entertain yourself.'

Sam's mind was working in overdrive to fathom where on Earth this could be leading. 'I don't know if I like where this is going.'

'You won't be going anywhere,' Megatron explained. 'But you should not be left unstimulated.'

'That's- that's very kind and hospitable and generous,' Sam rambled, 'but- but do I get a choice in this at all?'

The mech thought. 'Would you prefer a choice?'

'Very definitely yes.'

'That utterance does not make much sense.'

'**_YesIwould_**,' Sam rushed. 'Having a choice is only fair!'

'Of course,' Megatron said.

'You never give me choice!' Sam accused.

He abruptly plucked the human up once more and raised him to optic-level. 'Boy, you have been making choices all orn.'

'I have?' Sam squealed, more focused on the hideous drop below him.

'I have not made you do anything.'

'Liar!' the teenager spluttered. 'You thrust me into this tree- for a moment I thought you knew about my ace climbing skills but _clearly_ Soundwave hasn't violated my past that much- mind you, I did stop when I met Carly but Mikaela- who knew she liked climbing too? Miles sure knew what he was doing-'

Megatron pressed a giant metal claw to Sam's mouth in somewhat of an oppressive _be silent_ gesture. He himself didn't speak for a short while, seemingly thinking if the gentle frown was anything to go by. 'Back to the base, boy,' he said suddenly. 'You seem to be over-excited once more.'

In other words, back to the cage.

* * *

An hour later and completely alone, Sam was pacing said cage with violent energy. What could he do?

_What can we do_?

_We could all try to get along,_ a tiny voice at the back of his head suggested.

_Oh hello, _Sam said to his mind. _Where've you lot been?_

_Off our heads, _angry!Sam snarled. _How could you get us taken to a hospital? Twit-_

Genius!Sam explained a little better. _Suppressants, Sam. There's nothing we can do if we're suppressed._

_But you're back now_, Sam replied brilliantly with a confused frown.

_They've worn off, you **idiot**!_

**_Angry_**_! _genius!Sam berated wearily, _leave him alone. Clearly stupid!Sam is less suppressed than I am._

_We're coming back as fast as we can,_ sweet!Sam chirped. _But it's tricky!_

_Like wading through bog, seeing in the dark, finding that needle in the haystack,_ repetitive!Sam added helpfully.

_But we can only help so much,_ genius!Sam said. _You got to help **yourself**._

Ah, now that was an idea. But how? Sam's eyes darted around the room, then the cage (not _his_ cage, he refused to think of it as his). The cushion, his bag, the surreal reality of cage bars- wait, the bag! Skidding down beside it (skidding being Sam's natural method of traverse), he ripped it open and tore through the contents until he found- ah yes, here they were! Pen and paper, man's creative best friend.

Filled with purpose and determination, Sam plonked himself down on his cushion and unconsciously bit down on his biro until the plastic cracked loudly. Startled, he jolted out of his daze and began to write.

* * *

Full of jittery energy, Sam scratched the back of his head and glanced around the new large, sparse room he'd been carried to.

Skywarp, whistling shrilly whilst waiting for the teenager to start, was the only Decepticon actually paying unthreatening attention to him. Starscream was scowling disbelievingly and snarling something to his trinemates whilst Thundercracker kept a wary optic on Soundwave (the Communications Officer's intense stare was definitely in their direction). Meanwhile, Megatron was sitting on a large block and growling. Though Sam wasn't quite sure what was irritating the commander now, he'd been growling for such a long time that it was almost unnoticeable; the human had become acclimatised as though he'd been standing next to a plane's engines or something.

Yes, Sam had managed to call a 'meeting', though really it was more of an intervention (rather, he'd harassed/begged/reasoned with Soundwave by howling at the room until the telepath had agreed to call a few mechs together). It proved a worrying point though; clearly the Decepticons had surveillance _in the cage_. Unfortunately, Megatron had also turned up. This wouldn't be a bad thing if Sam managed to get his points across- he imagined if he could convince Soundwave and Starscream (clearly the brains behind the Decepticons) then he was pretty much sorted. Megatron was sure to throw awkward spanners -and probably a minion or two- in the works, though.

'I have decided,' Sam declared, 'that you don't know how to look after a human properly.'

'Do _you_?' Megatron asked.

Sam watched him witheringly for a moment to try and decipher whether the commander was being serious or not. As ever it was futile and so he grudgingly replied, 'Got a better idea than you.'

'What is your evidence?' Soundwave enquired as Megatron's optics unbelievably shuttered.

'I'm a human myself, Soundwave. That an acceptable reason?'

'Justification: sound,' the mech announced after a brief pause.

Wearily, Sam realised that Soundwave had actually been considering his argument. He gathered his resolve and continued bravely with his pre-planned speech. 'As thus, I have drawn up a list of things that must be done.'

Soundwave approved of the organisation with a rumble whilst the teenager struggled in pulling the folded paper out of his pocket. Eventually he succeeded, and uncrumpled the list the best he could before holding it up for the aliens' viewing.

'These are not rules,' Sam nearly pleaded, hoping fervently that it would not be misconstrued. 'I don't want to order you around. These are just things that have to be done in order to- to maintain my health.'

'This sounds quite greedy,' Thundercracker mused, peering at the words. 'Three feeds a day?'

'Fascinating,' Starscream said, inspecting the list with a snide expression. 'His puny body is so inefficient.'

''Do you mind?' the human snapped. Food is an important issue! I need a certain amount to- to sustain my life, right. I-' and begrudgingly he continued, 'I _understand_ that you don't want me to go out myself. I don't like it, but I sort of get it. But if you bring food to me, it has to be _appropriate._ I cannot eat a live animal.'

'Why?' Skywarp asked.

'I may be an omnivore, but I'm not a predator.'

'But that's the _fun_ of it!' the black Seeker cried.

'Oh,' Thundercracker said with a faint air of disappointment. 'I did want to see you kill.'

'Starscream,' Megatron suddenly interrupted, 'I have an itch.'

The Air Commander wearily flounced over and prodded at Megatron's shoulder armour sulkily. 'Well?'

'Not even close.'

'Shame,' Sam coughed whilst Starscream poked different parts of his lord's body, 'I'm a killing machine, I mean there's just so much killing I want to do- I have to repress the urge- my instincts, my need- continually.'

Skywarp shook his helm in wonderment. 'And how do you manage it?'

'Supreme self-control.'

'Impressive,' Thundercracker commented approvingly. 'I certainly couldn't. Why do you bother?'

'So you feel the desire now? Do you yearn to kill just mammals, or would you like to attack _me_, or-'

'Will you cease your prattling?' Starscream demanded mid-prod from behind Megatron, directing the command at both Sam and Skywarp before focusing on the former wearily. 'You are deceiving this first-rate idiot. Stop it.'

'He can work out if I'm lying or not,' Sam returned. 'You're all meant to be way more clever than I am.'

'Clever**er**,' the silver Decepticon corrected.

'See?'

'Skywarp is- special,' the Seeker continued. 'He doesn't understand these subtler language techniques. Stop leading him astray.'

Sam considered this. Starscream almost sounded like he was desperate: could it really be true? Was Skywarp really that naive? He decided to test it out. 'Optimus is actually a Decepticon,' he said loudly.

Skywarp gawped.

Thundercracker froze, an optic twitching.

Even Soundwave visibly frowned at this- then glanced to his commander. Megatron still hadn't moved. Was he actually listening at all?

Starscream screeched with wordless rage, hands flying to his helm. 'Boy!'

'**Starscream,**' Megatron snarled, 'why am I _still _itching?'

'Oh my,' Skywarp said, 'that sounds ridiculous.' His Air Commander (having immediately returned to prodding) visibly relaxed with a long, relieved sigh, but the black mech unexpectedly continued: 'Yet now I think about it that makes so much sense! That surely explains why Prime has never killed Lord Megatron-'

'No,' Starscream interrupted earnestly, 'that is because Prime is not strong enough- Thundercracker, make him see sense.'

The blue Seeker looked desperately torn and confused. 'The boy _is _lying, isn't he?'

'Of course he is,' Starscream snapped. 'Why on Cybertron would you consider that such extravagant statements could be accurate?' He glared down at a faintly amused Sam. 'You will pay for this, child-'

'Every time you call me a child, I am going to tell Skywarp something,' Sam threatened. 'And I'll make it count.'

Starscream looked half-impressed and half-infuriated by this blackmail. 'You have been around Decepticons too long.'

'I'm human,' Sam said. 'We aren't as simple as you seem to think.'

'Rubbish,' the silver mech snorted. 'You are every bit what I think of you. Besides, you cannot know precisely what I think of you, presumptuous child.'

'Was that _child_I heard there? Hey Skywarp,' the teenager suddenly announced, 'did you know that if you say supercalifragilistic ten times _really fast_ in front of the Autobots that they start to sing and dance?'

Thundercracker ogled. 'I cannot even imagine it.'

Skywarp clapped his talons together in glee. 'What was that word again, boy? Why, what I would give to see Ratchet-'

'You absolute _imbeciles_,' Starscream snapped- his subordinates quailed. 'You genuinely believe his lies?'

'The boy speaks the truth!' Skywarp piped up miserably but defiantly. 'As the vessel-'

'The Allspark does not spew out of his mouth!' Starscream raged. 'It resides within him, _yes_, but that is all- what is your ridiculous excuse of a processor thinking, considering the _boy _could be a predator!'

'It's my fearsome claws,' Sam said, clawing his hands appropriately, 'and my sharp teeth.'

'Shut up,' the Air Commander said, 'you're making this worse.'

Thundercracker sighed heavily. 'I did wonder how you managed to kill things.'

'I actually tend to whip out a blade or two,' Sam continued dryly, 'or sometimes I just go crazy with my guns.'

'_No_,' Skywarp gasped. 'You are proficient with weapon-'

'Have you done absolutely no research on this planet's lazy, disgusting inhabitants at all?' Starscream asked wearily. 'I clearly expected too much of you.'

The Seekers visibly wilted.

'Go _now_,' he abruptly ordered, 'and do not return without an advance on your human knowledge.'

Sam nearly choked, seeing a very dangerous and distressing flaw. 'How about don't reveal yourselves to the humans- you know, like let them see or hear you- and planes aren't the most conspicuous forms of transport- so they aren't very common and-'

'Valid point,' Starscream unexpectedly agreed. 'Any surveillance is to be done at distance. Am I clear?'

Skywarp _definitely_ gave a miserable pout, and Thundercracker a wry salute.

'Goodbye, boy!' the black Decepticon cried mournfully, optics fixed dolefully on him. 'Remember me-'

'How long are you going for?' Sam asked, a little disturbed at the passion.

'Any excuse for drama,' Starscream overrode. 'Be off, the both of you.'

Skywarp was gesturing at Sam frantically, long talons twitching. 'Can't I-'

'Certainly not, now begone!'

With a soft short whine, Skywarp grasped Thundercracker's forearm.

'Nononono!' the blue Seeker cried, looking extremely sickly, 'not the telep-'

And then they were gone in a VOP and blast of air.

'What did he want?' Sam asked, patting his hair down

'Who, Skywarp? I don't think you require such knowledge.'

'You know,' Sam said unwisely, frustrated at the lack of cooperation, 'I killed you in my dream yesterday.'

Unexpectedly Starscream roared with laughter.

The human kicked a stone sulkily. 'It isn't _that_ funny.'

'Of course it is! Imagine it! I, _Starscream_, Second in Command and Air Commander of the Decepticons- the greatest army that ever fought and ever will- _I _who have vanquished more beings than you'll ever see in your lifetime- I, destroyed by you?' He let out a breathy giggle. 'The orn that comes true would also be the same orn Autobots started killing your race, boy-'

'Yeah well, get used to it,' Sam said stupidly. 'It's coming.'

'-he same orn Megatron would want peace!' Starscream was continuing to cackle. 'The same orn Optimus Prime forsakes justice and honour and his inane moral code!'

'Ha_haa_.'

'The same orn _Soundwave_ speaks properly and starts stroking humans!'

'This isn't funny anymore,' Sam scowled. 'Oh wait- it never was in the _first place_. _And_ that brings me onto something else. Could- could you _just stop_ with the insults?'

Soundwave unexpectedly spoke up. 'Decepticons do not insult boy. Decepticons convey facts.'

Starscream shifted slightly. 'It isn't your fault that your race is particularly flawed.'

'See, see- that's what I mean,' Sam said angrily. 'Humans aren't so bad!'

Starscream snorted.

'Species is primitive, weak and unintelligent,' Soundwave said. He said it politely, neutrally; this lack of aggression somehow made it worse.

'It isn't even really your pathetic size,' the Air Commander added. 'There have been smaller races far more agreeable- tolerable, rather. But _yours_ is simply infuriatingly arrogant.'

'You can't say those things!' Sam shouted.

'Wrong: Soundwave and Starscream just did.'

'Well they're not true!' the human insisted loudly, stubbornly. 'If you took the time to know us at all you'd change your mind-'

A short growl erupted forth from Megatron. '_Enough_.' Quiet fell near immediately; the titan slowly turned his helm to look at his lieutenants. 'Despite this being one of those wonderful occasions I find complete agreement between my second and third, it is in fact _my_ ruling which will affect anything. Should I decree humanity Cybertronians' equal, our equal they would be.'

'Affirmative master,' Soundwave responded smoothly.

Starscream made a low gurgling choking sound, but quickly inclined his helm in acknowledgement.

Megatron held their gazes a moment longer before looking down upon Sam. 'It is unfortunate then that I think your race crude, unintelligent, repulsive and abhorrent.'

Sam flung his hands up in exasperation. 'Aw, _c'mon!_'

'You want more freedom, boy?' Megatron asked darkly. (Sam mentally prepared himself for yet another putdown/rant/lecture/_insert hurtful and/or embarrassing remark here_.) 'Well then, of course you shall have it.'

'M- Lord Megatron?' Starscream demanded disbelievingly whilst the human was still realising what had been said. 'What on _Cybertron_ are you doing?'

'_You_ will remain when we are finished here and I will explain it to you in intense and condescending detail,' the commander snarled.

The Seeker instantly regretted speaking; no doubt Megatron had seen his (admittedly somewhat aggressive) incredulity as a challenge. 'So… _kind_ of you, master.'

'I _am_ good to my favourites.' And with that, Megatron's attention returned to a bewildered Sam. 'But naturally boy, you may see that there is something I require of you in return.'

Of course there was a catch. 'Being? As in, what do you want? I haven't agreed to anything so don't think I'm going to sign my life away to you or anything-'

'Oh no no no, I don't expect that now. In actuality I don't expect that at all- unless you truly fancy it-? No? Good; that isn't what I want from you.'

Completely lost, Sam side-glanced Starscream (a faintly disgusted face if ever he saw one), then Soundwave for good measure (absolutely unreadable, why did he even bother?).

'Soundwave, you will provide Rumble. He will guide the boy.'

Another two oh-so-subtle side-glances caught Soundwave actually _wincing_ and a slow grin spreading across Starscream's face.

'Thanks,' Sam said stiffly. 'Much appreciated.'

'It _will_ be,' Megatron said mysteriously. 'But of course you must uphold your end of the bargain. Will you?'

'Yes- er, wait- you haven't told me what it is!'

The commander extended an arm lazily and dropped something small- Sam dived to the side, expecting it to explode as it hit the ground. Fortunately the thing did not detonate, unfortunately he'd managed to land his entire body weight on his injured arm.

A bolt of agony blazed through the limb; screwing his eyes up tightly, Sam instinctively curled up with a sharp pained gasp.

He had to be strong though, had to be for the Autobots. The Decepticons thought him weak anyway, but that didn't mean he had to be pathetic. He'd had worse injuries; the hurt would pass. And so with a wince but determinedly, Sam slowly pulled his limbs inwards, rose to his knees gingerly and wobbled to his feet once more.

Physical pain was thrust aside as he recognised the object on the floor- it couldn't be, could it? ...It was.

Sam wailed. He couldn't help it; the sound just burst out unstoppably.

Thirty plus foot above him, Megatron watched intently.

'Not _pink_!' the human finally howled intelligently. 'Not **pink**!'

'But you like pink collars, boy. Your rodent has one.'

'My-my rodent- _Mojo_? That's my mother, not me!' Sam suddenly realised something peculiar. 'Wait- how do you even know that?'

'Soundwave's reconnaissance skills are second to none,' Megatron replied.

'Bumblebee's better- hang on,' the human said with a sudden sly smirk. 'Second to none?'

'You repeat me well.'

'So… you mean he's better than you? Funny, thought no one was better than you. But clearly I was _wrong-'_

'**_Boy_-**' It was deep, threatening, but Sam couldn't care less.

'All hail Lord Soundwave,' he cried suicidally, bowing flamboyantly in the telepath's direction. 'May your reign be long and your days merry!'

Soundwave's tentacles quivered in distress as he glanced at Megatron pleadingly. The larger mech's claws rippled slowly, ominously.

Sam suddenly realised that antagonising the Decepticons was not the best way to get his own way. 'Look, _dogs_ have collars- I am not a _dog_!'

The silver alien was surprisingly collected. 'But you _are_ human. Besides, you are incorrect. Soundwave's research has proved that some humans do indeed wear collars.'

'_Shi- _what kind of kinky research have you been _doing_?' Sam was well aware his voice was bordering on shriekily hysterical now.

'Research: _thorough_,' Soundwave informed.

'Yours is a moot accusation,' Megatron interrupted. 'Despite your misleading comments, it appears that this not unusual human behaviour- if you want to wander more freely then you shall wear it. Soundwave, you are dismissed.'

The blue Decepticon swept his tentacles into a bow and wiggled his way out of the room whilst a hypnotised Sam tried to gather his inarticulate thoughts. It didn't work- as usual, his words just splurged out incoherently. 'Megatron, I thought we'd discussed this, I thought we'd come to a reasonable conclusion- I don't _want_ one, I don't _need _one, and I will hate you forever if you put that _anywhere_ on me!'

'We could starve you into submission,' Megatron suggested.

'Oh my god, you try it. Do you think I'll like you if you _starve_ me, genius?'

The huge commander was silent for a long time before he narrowed his optics. 'The boy isn't capable of sarcasm,' Megatron said, 'but had I heard that same utterance from Starscream instead I would have had been forced to beat him for impudence.'

Starscream noticeably bristled, wings pricking up indignantly.

'Why the _hell_ aren't I capable of sarcasm?' the human demanded.

'It is a higher life function.'

Sam literally couldn't think of anything to say. Worry not! Just because he couldn't _think_ didn't mean he didn't speak. 'I _am_ a higher life- being thing!'

Two bright optics settled on him with what Sam construed as utter disbelief. Or perhaps it was complete scorn? He couldn't tell; the Decepticons were still somehow harder to read than their counterparts. It could even have been humour.

But incredulously Megatron said, 'Justify.'

Pressure. Sam's mind flailed hopelessly for a good second or two before, with a screwed up face of thought, he had an offering. 'Er- I can talk?'

'All species communicate.'

'You talk my language!'

'It is not _your_ language,' the alien said. 'You do not _own_ English. How may you lay claim to something you neither spawned nor bought nor rule over? No, boy, languages are borrowed.'

'But-' Sam had to admit he didn't particularly know what justified the classification of a higher being. Instead of confessing defeat, he thought for a longer time. 'I _feel_,' he said. 'I feel pain and hurt and loneliness and regret.'

Megatron thought it was slightly curious that the boy had mentioned no positive emotion. 'You are capable of more than that.'

'I was describing how I feel right now,' Sam returned shortly. 'Not that you care or understand.'

'These things do not make you my equal,' Megatron said casually. 'They do not even make you Ravage's equal. How many creatures communicate with others and feel, boy? Near on every single species on your planet. And do you consider them higher beings?'

'Are you telling me I'm no better than- than a fly?'

Megatron thought about this. 'But have you considered the complexity of such a tiny creature? It is not necessarily a bad thing.'

'You fail to consider _my_ complexity,' Sam retorted.

'And you fail to see mine. Put it this way, boy: I can do _anything_ that you are capable of. I can undoubtedly do it faster, more accurately and generally better. And that would be nothing-'

'No you can't,' Sam said slowly, interrupting without thought. 'You can't do everything I can.'

It was a challenge, and Megatron's optics narrowed in acknowledgement.

'I'd like to say work it out and see if you really are that smart,' the human sniped, 'but that would take forever. So I'll just tell you: you can't empathise. You can't sympathise. And by god you don't even _care_ about anyone. So you tell me how you're better than me when you don't love.'

Megatron's growl was the lowest he had ever heard, vibrating and savage. 'You cannot pride yourself for _love_.'

'I can.'

'Can't.'

'You're trying to get me off point but it won't work!'

'Love is a weakness. Why would I want to love? The fewer things you love the better, boy, and I know it well. I _abide_ by it well.'

'So you don't love anything.'

'Oh but I do.'

Sam did not point out the major contradiction the alien had just made. He didn't have the chance to; Megatron continued too quickly.

'I do not love _anyone_,' Megatron said, 'but that does not mean I do not love _something_.'

Sam was intrigued. 'What?'

'Prove your intelligence to me: discern it.'

'Hey, that isn't the point at all- I've just pointed out your _flaw_ and you won't recognise it!'

'That is because it isn't a flaw.'

'Prove that it isn't!'

'Prove that it _is_. But _where_ did you get these materials from?' Megatron demanded suddenly, pointing with a long claw at Sam's piece of paper.

Sam shifted slightly, feeling cornered. 'Hospital.'

'You stole them?'

'No,' he said with as much dignity as he could muster, 'I did not steal.'

'But you took without permission?' Megatron stood suddenly and swept out of the room without explanation.

Sam gestured feebly, finger half-pointing at the commander's exit in shock. 'Is- is he _upset_ because I _stole_ something? The lord of doom and death and destruction himself?'

'Naughty boy,' Soundwave reprimanded with a flash of his visor.

'You disturb me,' Sam replied immediately. 'Don't ever call me that again.'

''Query: cause of boy's demand?'

'You're very creepy,' the human re-explained. 'You _disturb_ me, Soundwave. You have tentacles and some creepy voice and you call me_ a naughty boy_. That's something no one even _completely_ _demented_ could fantasise about.'

'Why would boy fantasise about Soundwave?' The mech's visor brightened as he leaned closer.

'Oh my god,' Sam began inarticulately. 'Oh my god, Soundwave, stay away from me.'

'Justify.'

'Because you're being such a creeper right now! You're making my belly crawl!'

The mech's gaze ever so subtly lowered.

'_Gah_,' Sam screamed- torn between turning awkwardly around to hide his stomach or covering it with his hands, he ended up doing an odd mixture of both- '**stop**!'

'Soundwave is only inspecting your abdomen to see that it functions normally,' Soundwave commented whilst ignoring his order. 'Conclusion: nothing creepy about it.'

'What, suddenly you care?'

'Negative,' the mech replied. 'Priority: Lord Megatron.'

That didn't make any sense. 'Struggling to connect the dots,' Sam hissed. 'That was so unrelated and out there-'

'Explanation: Lord Megatron must be pleased by the boy. Boy must be in peak condition to please Lord Megatron.'

'I'm not _pleasing_ anybody!'

He heard Starscream laugh, then: 'Oh, you have _no_ idea.'

Soundwave leant in uncomfortably close then, and caressed the side of his horrified face lightly with a tentacle. 'Soundwave: never wrong. It has begun.'

* * *

**four: I have great pride in my extremely Americanly Amercian usage of 'creeper', because it's (as far as I know) not in common usage at all in England. SEE, I even put effort into researching Americanly things for this fic, oh yeeeass. Americaaaaan. I try.  
**

**three: I had to steal a TF:Prime Starscream line. If you saw it, kudos. (; Steve Blum is an absolute genius!**

**two: Also, tumblr. I don't understand you. WHY SO CONFUSING  
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**one: I swore to myself that I would update The Edge of Reason before anything else, but then the amount and quality of reviews for chapter nine actually gave me a happy tear and I couldn****'****t help myself. Thank you to everyone who did review, anon or otherwise! You have provoked a sooner update. (;**

**If you leave the shortest comment just to let me know you liked it, that****'****s brilliant. If you have a little more time to review or you****'****re excited or you****'****ve got a burning question, press that button! That****'****s the way to my heart. That****'****s also the way to get something you want in this fic, my dears.**

**Toodledoo, have a good one! :D  
**


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